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btdt moms patronizing first time moms
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Anonymous
I feel you. If one more person tells me how "lucky" I am, I'm going to lose it! 
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Anonymous
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I resist the urge to say patronizing things. When I see a pregnant woman getting all starry eyed talking about labor, I remember feeling like that. And then I remember how scary it was when I realized just how painful and primal it all really was. The worst feeling was realizing that I had absolutely no control over what my body was doing. Knowing all of that the second time, I had a much better experience. I would love to be able to explain that to pregnant women so that their first experience could be great. (Yes, I realize first time moms can have a great experience without this knowledge. More power to them!)
No book, movie, class or birth story can prepare a woman. I also know that telling women is quite pointless because it is one of those things that you have to have experienced to understand. Also, I believe that women who have a history of abuse will react quite differently in the pregnancy/birth process than the average Jane. A woman without the same experiences as me does not and cannot understand what that kind of loss of control feels like. I think it would be quite interesting to see the stats on abuse/assault compared between the "go with the flow" moms and the "control the experience" moms. Perhaps we should all give that some thought before patronizing a poster. |
Anonymous
I think that parents who say all that don't like to admit that they can't keep up with all the demands on their time, so they like to rationalize why their house is a mess and yours is not. They like to think that they have extra challenges that contribute to their struggles. Frankly, I think that as long as your child is happy and healthy and welll taken care of you just have to do things at your own capacity. Sometimes it is more important to take a nap than to run a load of laundry and really who cares in the end? I have found that everyone wants to tell you how to raise your child because it is a huge investment of time and emotion and everyone wants to validate their efforts by believeing they are doing the best possible job, but you need to find systems and routines that work for you so you can get through as easily as possible. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for the empathy. I think a previous poster hit it when she said that whether it's preparing for parenthood or giving birth or something else that is a common experience that people nonetheless experience differently, some people simply do not know themselves very well and assume I don't either.
Many BTDT moms have great advice, and I definitely listen. It's just that the moment someone starts to make hard and fast assumptions that claim to know exactly how *I* will react or feel just because they reacted or felt that way, I stop being able to relate. Just today I met up with two colleagues with two kids each who had four very different labors with some similar feelings but many different feelings, too. We're all obviously really different. This is obviously different, but people have been telling me all along to expect misery during my third trimester, but at 36 weeks and change, I still feel great and LOVE being pregnant. So it's obviously different for everyone although I'm sure some people will tell me to "just wait until 38 weeks" or whatever. I don't know why I let this kind of advice bug me anyway. I know I should just blow off advice that does not apply and take the unsolicited stuff for what it's worth. Good luck all. |
Anonymous
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People like to play the expert. It makes them feel better. Not that it's right. It's like being the girl with the scary stories at the slumber party ("you think THAT'S awful, wait til I tell you about THIS!!!") -- you get the attention.
That said, I felt the same way (annoyed by btdt-ers) during my first pregnancy, and yet now sometimes find myself patronizing first-time pregnant moms (in my head!! I try to keep it in my head!!). I think birth and then parenting *really* changes you, and you can't help but look back on your old self and think, geez, what did I know?! -- and then sometimes, unhelpfully, apply that to other people. Again, not that it's right. Or factually accurate. I remember when I was pregnant the first time and a relative heard I was planning an unmedicated birth. She called me-- she never calls me-- for the special purpose of trying to talk me out of it. She told me how god-awful it would be and what was I thinking and so on. It occurred to me as we were talking that both of her own births had been planned C-sections, which took place before she even went into labor! That's right, the woman who was telling me all about labor HAD NEVER BEEN IN LABOR. I still find this hilarious. |
Anonymous
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OP it really is outrageous. My SIL is a nightmare with the BTDT stuff and the worst source of advice on earth. With #1 I was talking with her and I mentioned I was still deciding between daycare and a nanny and at what age, her comment was .."oh just wait untl you see the baby, you'll want to stay home".
Other favorites were "forget about natural birth trust me you will want the drugs", "breastfeeding is only important for the first 3 weeks which is what I did, don't listen to others on going longer you don't want to be tied down to the baby" , "don't worry about the immune stuff I took my kids to the mall at two weeks and they were fine, you really will need to get out" and "after 2 or 3 weeks they really do start sleeping and you can get alot done" . Each statement was delivered with a flippant attitude that I would soon find out and her situation was the only acceptable outcome. Well none of this held true and I think on some level she was personally insulted that it didn't. It does not end. She has a girl and a boy and I got a complete description of how girls are different from boys. When my second was a boy, I got the same lecture on natural gender differences. My kids personalities do not match her gender stereotypes at all. DS is more verbal than DD and DD have a super high activity level that usually is stereotyped with boys as boys just being active. This puzzles her greatly and I'm sure she believes there is some parenting flaw in us for this outcome. |
Anonymous
OP, I think this post demonstrates that you should start practicing your smile and nod now. Because it doesn't end. People mean well but wow, comments like the PP got from her SIL are beyond annoying. But at least once you have kids you'll be very aware of what you say to women who are expecting! |