At what age did you know?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My DS (11) has been making comments in the past 6 months or so about being gay...sort of. Things along the lines of not liking girls, that he'll prefer boys. Today I was having a conversation with someone about whether they knew anyone gay (totally unrelated, my point in that conversation was just that not everyone announces their sexuality, and of course that person likely knew someone) anyway, DS walked up and said, sure you do, me. Then just laughed and walked off. I can't recall some of the other comments he's made to me, but I've always just said to him that's fine, you like who you like, etc.
My question really is, do you think he knows at 11? Or what is going on with these comments? I wouldn't even ask if there hadn't been at least 3 or 4 similar ones over the span of months. So at this point I just want to know if he does know, and then what to say beyond "that's fine, pass the salt". Which is kind of how I feel about it at this age, if that makes sense? It's not as if he'd be allowed to date for several more years regardless. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| All my gay or lesbian friends (somewhere between 10-15 when you add their spouses) knew when they were a single-digit age. Like between 4-9. Some may not have known the words for it. |
Anonymous
That's kind of what I thought. Clearly he knows the words for it.  Maybe I should be a little less nonchalant and ask him more questions. Then again, you can barely get an 11 year old to tell you what they want for dinner. So perhaps "that's fine, love you, what do you want for dinner?" works for now. (?)
|
Anonymous
|
He probably knows. Most kids do that early on, even if they don't have a word for it. (I'm bi and I knew around then but I didn't know what it was called.)
He is probably either very secure or he is testing the waters to see how you react. Your idea is good (nonchalant and no issue.) |
Anonymous
| My DD said that she knew at 11 if not before. I questioned that until I remembered a massive crush I had on a boy at that age. I thought, well if I knew she could too! |
Anonymous
|
My DD knew around that age. I was pretty sure she was before then.
I didn't realize I was bi until late high school/early college. But I grew up in an oppressive, homophobic area. Kudos to you for being a cool mom who makes him feel comfortable enough to share with you. How awesome that he can just be who he is, and that its natural and normal for him to be able to express himself like that. I love the idea of people just being who they are and it being as natural as their heterosexual peers, not needing to come out anymore because there's no reason to have hidden anything in the first place. |
Anonymous
|
About 11/12. I thought everyone had crushes on boys and girls. Nope!
That's when I knew. |
Anonymous
| We always suspected DD was. She came out around age 15 I guess. |
Anonymous
|
Hi, OP here. Thank you for the responses, I appreciate them. You all basically confirmed what I thought. I personally can't recall having crushes one way or the other at that age, but clearly everyone is different.
10:51, thanks--but I'm pretty sure I'm not terribly cool. I grew up in a large (liberal) European capital, so that probably gave me more of a 'no big deal' view growing up than I can take credit for. Now I just need to keep a bit more (even more) of an eye on other's people's language/attitudes, I think... BTW, he made similar comments to his older brother, so I think he's pretty comfortable with his family, even if he's just testing the waters or is unsure. Thanks again. |
Anonymous
That must have been difficult. Glad your daughter had a less challenging environment! |
Anonymous
| I didn't realize I was gay until I was 20 (although in retrospect I should have realized earlier). My husband swears he's always known. If I push him to give an age, he we will tell you 2. |
Anonymous
Basically. Talk to him about gay relationships AND straight relationships. Talk about safe sex. Where to go if you think you have an STD. All that stuff. There are doctors who specialize in gay medical issues (I don't exactly know what that means, but I've worked for gay people as their assistants and found out). |
Anonymous
| 19. But this was the 80s. I didn't know being gay was an option as a kid. Had I had the verbage, I would have identified younger. |
Anonymous
My brother said ages 10- 11 was when he first started to "know" he was gay but given that it was the early 1990s it took him longer to finally privately acknowledge that he was gay. He said he was 16 when he accepted it, but it wasn't until in his early 20s that he formally came out to the family even though we already knew  Our parents were college professors so there weren't any issues in accepting the sexuality but at the same time my parents did the right thing by not pressing the subject and letting him do it his own way.
It really was a different time. |
Anonymous
| I got my first crush at 10 but didn't have the concept until 14. |