Sister and niece have zero zero hygiene, please help

[Anonymous]

My older sister and my 15 year old niece are the sweetest, kindest people on earth IMO. They are also the stinkiest people that I know. My sister hardly if ever, shower ... She usually just wets a towel. She doesn't use deodorant and doesn't have shave either. She can wear the same clothes over and over before washing them. My niece on the other hand showers when school is in session but since the school closed, the word on the street is that she hasn't showered.

I am sorry I have been minding my own business for too long. Maybe there is a way I can help? When my sister and niece visit me I usually do their laundry but that still doesn't help. I buy them deodorant but they don't use. One of my older brothers has tried to to bring the issues to their attention but it didn't get anywhere. When they visit the house smells for a few days... That's how bad it is. If they sleep over you have to deodorize the carpet overnight, open windows, strip and wash everything. If they hug you you have to hold your breath. I wish I was exaggerating

There is a big age gap between my sister of almost 15 years so I would want to be respectful while at it. My niece and I have a great relationship too that I would want to keep solid. Any tips?

[Anonymous]

In order to help we'd need to know why they won't shower.

[Anonymous]

Was your sister sexually abused? Lack of personal hygiene can be an indicator of mental health issues and feeling unsafe. Repelling people this way may be defense mechanism. I would stop offering deodorant and simply tell them that you love them, but their lack of hygiene makes them really uncomfortable to be around. It sounds like they are an enmeshed pair, no functional Dad around....niece might live with Mom forever. If you can get niece therapy, even with the school counselor....it's worth a try.

[Anonymous]

Clearly your sister has an underlying issue and your DN is learning bad habits from her mom. I think it is perfectly okay to gently bring it to attention. Remind her that she has gotten a lot older and her body has changed so her need for personal hygiene is really important. Maybe remind her that she could ruin all her nice clothes by not washing them regularly and then teach her how to do it. She probably doesn't know how. Maybe she feel she needs permission to do it if it has been "mom's job." There is an root problem here. Does your sister work? Does she get regular medical care? Clearly other people notice an issue - and likely dance around it too because it is awkward. But someone has to step up.

You also need to speak with your sister about the effect on your niece. Acknowledge that it is awkward but you need to be blunt. Remind her that DN is at an age where negative hygiene can be a huge social stigma. I'm sure the kid doesn't ever have friends over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In order to help we'd need to know why they won't shower.

My sister apparently believes showering will make her have a cold. She will not use deodorant because a long time ago she developed a lump under her armpits after using deodorant.

My niece on the other hand showers when school is in session ... Maybe her friends at school hint to her? The mom usually try to discourage her by telling her she will get a bad cold. When she gets a cold the mom tells her it's because she showered at night or in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly your sister has an underlying issue and your DN is learning bad habits from her mom. I think it is perfectly okay to gently bring it to attention. Remind her that she has gotten a lot older and her body has changed so her need for personal hygiene is really important. Maybe remind her that she could ruin all her nice clothes by not washing them regularly and then teach her how to do it. She probably doesn't know how. Maybe she feel she needs permission to do it if it has been "mom's job." There is an root problem here. Does your sister work? Does she get regular medical care? Clearly other people notice an issue - and likely dance around it too because it is awkward. But someone has to step up.

You also need to speak with your sister about the effect on your niece. Acknowledge that it is awkward but you need to be blunt. Remind her that DN is at an age where negative hygiene can be a huge social stigma. I'm sure the kid doesn't ever have friends over.

You are right on the money PP. She is the only child though they live in the same house with two of my late sister's kids. My DN still shares a room and a bed with her mom ... Something I find odd. Her mother "does" her laundry... So you are right she doesn't know how to do it. DN has not had any friends over for a long time.

DN is always asking me to buy her clothes... I wonder if buying her mostly white stuff then use that as an opportunity to teach her how to prevent stains and discoloration would help?

My sister used to work for a big international organization many years ago and her colleagues used to "gift her" towels and nice smelling perfumes... I was too young to understand but looking back I think they were trying to hint. She is now self employed - does mostly consultant jobs and she also has her own charity.

[Anonymous]

Your sister clearly has mental health issues - probably severe anxiety, maybe something else. She needs help.

[Anonymous]

We had friends kids visit and they were like that. It surprised us as they would not shower in less we made them. So, we ended up telling them every other day or so to shower.

[Anonymous]

What do the other two nieces that live with them say about it?

How is their hygene?

[Anonymous]

How is their dental hygiene?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do the other two nieces that live with them say about it?

How is their hygene?

The other two are very very clean - my late sister taught them well. They are the ones who keep the house together.

Surprisingly my sister's dental hygiene is not as bad. She brushes at least twice a day

[Anonymous]

Can you involve your nieces school counselor or hire a coach for her? Sounds like she may need some OT

[Anonymous]

Is she a reader? I would give her a book about body stuff, that includes information on grooming. You can frame it as "stuff you need to know" and mention that it has guidelines for grooming and whatever else you think she should read.

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-body-scoop-for-girls-christine-rojo/1120351697;jsessionid=59C4CA2157CEA0DA5EE5371F5CCD8D5A.prodny_store01-atgap05?ean=9781583333693#productInfoTabs

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're going to change her. Family has spoken to her and friends have dropped hints--she doesn't care what others think. Sucks for your niece though. I also would not be inviting them over to my house!

[Anonymous]

Use the other two nieces to help the little one. You guys have to before it's too late and she's ostracized!

When she comes to you about buying new clothes, come right out and tell her that she needs to take care of them. That's you ticket there to showing her how to use the machine.

And for the love of God 15 is plenty old enough to research the myths of getting a cold! Give her the facts and tell her while her mom insists on some old wives tales, they are not true. Don't disparage her mom - remember that she loves her mom and you don't want her to be defensive - but be there to help her navigate this.