Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 daughter

[Anonymous]

Life with my closeted gay husband has become truly awful since our only child left for college. I am going to separate from him finally. There is a lot of emotional abuse and no sex obviously for many years. How and what should I tell our daughter. My father was a closeted gay and I wish my mother had told me.

[Anonymous]

The truth.

[Anonymous]

Your father was a closeted gay man... and you married a closeted gay man. Wowza.

I would tell her with the guidance of a counselor. Seriously - you need one anyway and you need good advice that is more specific to your situation. I would insist she tries counseling too. You don't want her to relive this same pattern that is pretty strong in your history.

[Anonymous]

It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

[Anonymous]

I think you should give him the chance to tell her himself. With the kids drown, you can probably do a collaborative divorce and keep things civil.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

Deciding to withhold some details out of respect for the other person, or simply because it's the right thing to do, is not lying. Even if he's a total asshole, will stooping to his level make you feel better? Take the high road and be adult about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

Deciding to withhold some details out of respect for the other person, or simply because it's the right thing to do, is not lying. Even if he's a total asshole, will stooping to his level make you feel better? Take the high road and be adult about this.

Thanks for the insult. Why do you think I respect him for lying to me How does he deserve respect for that. I am trying to help her. He will have to help himself from now on. She can forgive what he did or not. It's up to her

[Anonymous]

I the child of a man who was closeted and my parents divorced because of it. When they divorced I was young but they brought in a counselor and we all sat down and he explained the situation outright. It was just about the truth. She deserves the truth and if he is closeted he deserves her eventual acceptance and love when she is ready. This is a very complicated issue - not one that you can say should be further pushed in the closet or kept secret for fear of shaming or overly faulting the Dad. He is gay. The journey to self acceptance for gay people is still not clear and people do get hurt. Allow him to apologize for that if he feels she got hurt in his own self discovery and let her decide what to do about it. This isn't like an addiction or an affair or something - you aren't throwing him under the bus to tell her. But he should be involved in telling her and if possible I would look for a family counselor if your soon to be ex is ok with that idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

Deciding to withhold some details out of respect for the other person, or simply because it's the right thing to do, is not lying. Even if he's a total asshole, will stooping to his level make you feel better? Take the high road and be adult about this.

Thanks for the insult. Why do you think I respect him for lying to me How does he deserve respect for that. I am trying to help her. He will have to help himself from now on. She can forgive what he did or not. It's up to her

Your plan is a great example of bad parenting. Your words re your daughter are inappropriate. She has to decide whether to forgive him or not for being gay???? You are being vindictive and want to drag your dc in through the mud with your soon to be ex. Grow up op. It will help make this less painful for your children. You so want everyone to know this is all his fault.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you're really hurt and really angry. That's fair. You're allowed that. But it isn't the place you should be in when you make big decisions like this.

My mom left my dad for another woman. For a few years, I was hurt and angry and hated the OW. I sided with my dad. But time settled those harsh feelings, and twenty years later the OW is a loving grandmother to my children. My father is still sort of a jerk and that showed itself with time as well.

If you act out of this bitter place, your DD may side with you today but eventually she'll resent how you dragged her into this and called it your truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you're really hurt and really angry. That's fair. You're allowed that. But it isn't the place you should be in when you make big decisions like this.

My mom left my dad for another woman. For a few years, I was hurt and angry and hated the OW. I sided with my dad. But time settled those harsh feelings, and twenty years later the OW is a loving grandmother to my children. My father is still sort of a jerk and that showed itself with time as well.

If you act out of this bitter place, your DD may side with you today but eventually she'll resent how you dragged her into this and called it your truth.

+1. Best advice so far.

[Anonymous]

Unless homophobia plays into this, which I am reading some --" forgiving him for being gay," etc -- the issue is compatibility and fidelity.

You will never be his preferred gender, and he has been unfaithful.

Ergo, we are divorcing because of fundamental incompatibilities.

If DD pushes it, just say, ask dad and his boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

Deciding to withhold some details out of respect for the other person, or simply because it's the right thing to do, is not lying. Even if he's a total asshole, will stooping to his level make you feel better? Take the high road and be adult about this.

Thanks for the insult. Why do you think I respect him for lying to me How does he deserve respect for that. I am trying to help her. He will have to help himself from now on. She can forgive what he did or not. It's up to her

Your plan is a great example of bad parenting. Your words re your daughter are inappropriate. She has to decide whether to forgive him or not for being gay???? You are being vindictive and want to drag your dc in through the mud with your soon to be ex. Grow up op. It will help make this less painful for your children. You so want everyone to know this is all his fault.

OP here I. am not vindictive. My daughter has been raised to accept gay as normal. People in my family are gay. But I am not gay. My husband has lied and blamed. This is what she can forgive or not forgive I just want to help her see clearly and not marry a closeted gay man like I did and like my mother did. She is 20 and beginning to have serious romantic relationships. I want to help her. I frankly don't care about my husbands suffering as much as I care about her. I would not just out someone for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

OP, this is going to backfire on you. If you try to turn your child against her father by revealing he is a liar, that will backfire on you. I see this happen all of the time. Wife tries to turn kids against husband in divorce. Husband says nice things about wife. Kids see mother saying the mean stuff, playing the blame game and see father being nice, trying not to put them in the middle, trying not to make them take sides. Kids feel more sympathy for father.

This is the second thread on DCUM where a woman getting a divorce indicated her kid(s) should know "the truth" about their father when that "truth" really isn't about the kids and has more to do with the spousal relationship.