Am separating from closeted gay husband. What and how to tell 20 daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

Op here. It really is my truth actually. It was a horrible marriage because of this specific fact Why not tell the truth? I have always been honest with her and don't feel like becoming a liar just because he is one. I think she needs at least one honest parent.

Deciding to withhold some details out of respect for the other person, or simply because it's the right thing to do, is not lying. Even if he's a total asshole, will stooping to his level make you feel better? Take the high road and be adult about this.

Thanks for the insult. Why do you think I respect him for lying to me How does he deserve respect for that. I am trying to help her. He will have to help himself from now on. She can forgive what he did or not. It's up to her

Your plan is a great example of bad parenting. Your words re your daughter are inappropriate. She has to decide whether to forgive him or not for being gay???? You are being vindictive and want to drag your dc in through the mud with your soon to be ex. Grow up op. It will help make this less painful for your children. You so want everyone to know this is all his fault.

OP here I. am not vindictive. My daughter has been raised to accept gay as normal. People in my family are gay. But I am not gay. My husband has lied and blamed. This is what she can forgive or not forgive I just want to help her see clearly and not marry a closeted gay man like I did and like my mother did. She is 20 and beginning to have serious romantic relationships. I want to help her. I frankly don't care about my husbands suffering as much as I care about her. I would not just out someone for no reason.

I think you are overreaching. I don't think your daughter is destined to date/marry a gay man just because you and your mother did. Your daughter, for one, is growing up in a very different time. For one, there is less need for gay men to stay in the closet. Even as recently as 20 years ago, there was, especially if that man wanted a family with children. I think the biggest risk she runs of dating a closeted gay man is if she dates ultra religious types, as it seems to be in those communities where there is still a lot of negativity about being gay and where a man raised in that community and still active in that community might be in the closet.

I also think that you won't be helping your daughter if you tell her anyhow. Your husband is the one who needs to tell her.

If you tell her, it seems obvious from your posts, it's going to sound like you are blaming him for being gay. It will sound bitter and vindictive and even shrill. I get that you are upset, and you have good reason to be. But if you care about your daughter, you won't drag her into it. After you get a divorce, when things have settled, encourage her father to tell her. That's the best way to go about it if you truly care about her (and aren't just trying to get her on your side by convincing her your dad is a liar).

[Anonymous]

her dad, not your dad

[Anonymous]

I don't get that OP is blaming her ex for being gay. She is blaming her ex for being a liar and dragging her into his lie by keeping it a secret from her for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get that OP is blaming her ex for being gay. She is blaming her ex for being a liar and dragging her into his lie by keeping it a secret from her for so long.

OP here. Thank you. I just want to do the right thing for my daughters future happiness. my daughter and I are very close and I do not want to lie to her on his behalf. My husband being closeted is a very practiced liar

[Anonymous]

Has your DH told you he's gay or do you just suspect he's gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

It is not fair for a family member to drag other family members into the closet with them. OP is divorcing because her DH is gay. She has a right to say that. She has no obligation to keep someone else's secret. OP's daughter deserves a full explanation because she is their daughter, and because even adult children are emotionally hurt when their parents divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not "your truth" to tell your child about her father being gay. It's his truth to disclose details about his sexuality to her, or not.

It is your truth to tell her that you two were not happy together, you weren't physically close anymore, and that you felt he was emotionally abusive. But really, in this day and age--and at her mature age--you can just tell her the marriage wasn't working, and you're getting a divorce. Why does she need all the details?

It is not fair for a family member to drag other family members into the closet with them. OP is divorcing because her DH is gay. She has a right to say that. She has no obligation to keep someone else's secret. OP's daughter deserves a full explanation because she is their daughter, and because even adult children are emotionally hurt when their parents divorce.

If they're divorcing because he is going to live as a gay man now then her child will find out eventually. She doesn't need to be the bearer just because she is pissed off. Having the right to say something is not the same as it being a good decision.

[Anonymous]

As in all divorce situations, my advice is to keep it classy and keep it vague.

"We have chosen to end our marriage due to irreconcilable differences." (True -- you will never be each other's preferred gender, and that's not going to change. Respectful, discreet, inoffensive. No risk of overwhelming your DD with details she might not even want.)

"We are no longer compatible as spouses and will be happier apart." (True... now that you know he is gay you are newly aware that you're not a good match. Most people are happier not living (or living in) a lie. And this is very gracious because it implies that you care for the continued happiness of the father of your child.)

"We are divorcing due to the unfortunate but irremediable breakdown of the marriage" (True -- most likely OP did not want to find out that her husband was gay and thus need a divorce, so it was certainly unfortunate. And a breach of trust like that could certainly be considered irremediable breakdown. Makes a strong statement, subtly lays the blame at his feet, but isn't outright accusatory in an unseemly way.)

[jsteele]

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