How to ...gently tell coworker she should seek help?

[Anonymous]

We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

[Anonymous]

Definitely say something.

My ex-DH has tried to commit suicide twice in the past 6 months. Some of his anxiety and depression is related to his work situation. He struggles to maintain steady, gainful employment due to incompetency and poor social skills. He has not had a "friend" at work in 6 years and, thus, lacks anyone to filter what he feels about perceived slights or actual criticism of his work.

Of myself, I recall being intensely miserable during an elite grad program. I felt like the stupidest person in my cohort and dropped out after a misunderstanding with my advisor. I later learned that everyone in my cohort felt the same way. However, I'm an introvert and didn't form any intimacy with my peers so I only knew my own experience was sucking. Everyone else was bonding over the suck and helping pull each other over the finish line to graduate. Once I dropped out, my anxiety evaporated instantly, but I felt the shame of failure until I learned at my advisor's funeral that we were all struggling horribly.

This young lady sounds like she needs help and needs a friend. You don't have to be her bestie, but in the truest sense, a work friend. Don't let her move on without suggesting that she seek professional assistance.

[Anonymous]

You need to be nonjudgmental and clear in what you say.

I would talk to her and say that she seems to be a little overwhelmed with transitioning to work, and frustrated by her auditory processing disorder. Tell her that there are psychologists who specialize in helping people with learning disabilities succeed at school and at work. There are lots of people who have auditory processing disorder and many do very well. If Temple Grandin can have a successful career with autism and Richard Branson can have a successful career with dyslexia and Ryan Gosling can succeed with ADHD, then she can succeed, too. She needs to see someone help her deal with how she feels about it and how she is transitioning to being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

She's told you what disorder she has. Why are you diagnosing her with something completely different?

And why would you tell her to "seek help"? She has a disorder. She's struggling with that disorder. She's struggling with feelings that she will never be normal. That's totally understandable. What is not normal here? What is not to understand?

Suppose Summer Associate were blind or had diabetes, and had the same meltdown in your office, with tears about the fact that she will never be normal and feels worthless. Would your response be to seek help because these are not normal feelings and she has an anxiety disorder or something? I don't get it, is struggling with an auditory processing disorder not something that you (an attorney) are going to be able to recognize under the ADA as credible? (And I'm not going to get into a debate about whether this is in the DSM, or is a disability, so don't get sidetracked). The point is -- she has a condition, she is struggling because of that condition, and she feels she will never be normal BECAUSE OF THAT CONDITION. Not because she has an anxiety disorder. These feelings are perfectly understandable. I've seen lawyers who had to work with a shoulder sling or a cast for two weeks have these feelings!

For pete's sake, if you don't understand your responsibilities, talk to HR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

I'm confused. Didn't she tell you what the problem is? Telling her to get help is probably pointing out the obvious no? And anyway, you missed the window: the last thing she's going to want is someone bringing her crying up days after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

She's told you what disorder she has. Why are you diagnosing her with something completely different?

And why would you tell her to "seek help"? She has a disorder. She's struggling with that disorder. She's struggling with feelings that she will never be normal. That's totally understandable. What is not normal here? What is not to understand?

Suppose Summer Associate were blind or had diabetes, and had the same meltdown in your office, with tears about the fact that she will never be normal and feels worthless. Would your response be to seek help because these are not normal feelings and she has an anxiety disorder or something? I don't get it, is struggling with an auditory processing disorder not something that you (an attorney) are going to be able to recognize under the ADA as credible? (And I'm not going to get into a debate about whether this is in the DSM, or is a disability, so don't get sidetracked). The point is -- she has a condition, she is struggling because of that condition, and she feels she will never be normal BECAUSE OF THAT CONDITION. Not because she has an anxiety disorder. These feelings are perfectly understandable. I've seen lawyers who had to work with a shoulder sling or a cast for two weeks have these feelings!

For pete's sake, if you don't understand your responsibilities, talk to HR.

What I'm saying is that I understand it is frustrating to have that learning disability, but I do not think it is normal or healthy to consider yourself worthless or an embarrassment simply because you misunderstood something someone said, or because you were very quiet at a work event. I think the anxiety STEMS from the auditory processing disorder and it makes me sad for her.

Maybe I am off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

She's told you what disorder she has. Why are you diagnosing her with something completely different?

And why would you tell her to "seek help"? She has a disorder. She's struggling with that disorder. She's struggling with feelings that she will never be normal. That's totally understandable. What is not normal here? What is not to understand?

Suppose Summer Associate were blind or had diabetes, and had the same meltdown in your office, with tears about the fact that she will never be normal and feels worthless. Would your response be to seek help because these are not normal feelings and she has an anxiety disorder or something? I don't get it, is struggling with an auditory processing disorder not something that you (an attorney) are going to be able to recognize under the ADA as credible? (And I'm not going to get into a debate about whether this is in the DSM, or is a disability, so don't get sidetracked). The point is -- she has a condition, she is struggling because of that condition, and she feels she will never be normal BECAUSE OF THAT CONDITION. Not because she has an anxiety disorder. These feelings are perfectly understandable. I've seen lawyers who had to work with a shoulder sling or a cast for two weeks have these feelings!

For pete's sake, if you don't understand your responsibilities, talk to HR.

What I'm saying is that I understand it is frustrating to have that learning disability, but I do not think it is normal or healthy to consider yourself worthless or an embarrassment simply because you misunderstood something someone said, or because you were very quiet at a work event. I think the anxiety STEMS from the auditory processing disorder and it makes me sad for her.

Maybe I am off base.

It's a tough situation, but I would also caution you to be careful. It sounds like she's aware of her issue and is almost certainly working with qualified professionals on it (unless she self-diagnosed which is random). One of the most challenging parts of having an invisible disability of learning issue, for a lot of people, is struggling whether to disclose and get the help you need while worrying that it makes other people uncomfortable in a way that will or distance between you. It sounds like she knows she has a problem. If it makes you sad, you need to deal with your feelings. Let her deal with hers. I suspect a simple encouraging word, where appropriate, would go a lot longer.

[Anonymous]

That is more a language disorder vs learning. Not much can be done but someone could teach her work arounds.

[Anonymous]

How is the quality of her work? If it is fine tell her she is at the same level of other summer associates and leave it at that. Is the quality of her work below the level of other summer associates and that's why she told you her is order?

[Anonymous]

I think there's a middle ground here...maybe something like:
"Susie, I wanted to talk to you about your work before you go back to school. We've been so happy to have you here this summer. I really liked what you did on the X project, particularly how you....... I think the areas where you can develop your skills for the future are ....... I hope you learned something working for us, and will stay in touch. I also wanted to say something because I know you were upset last Friday, and felt like you weren't doing a good job. Everyone has days like that, and everyone feels frustrated at work sometimes, but I was really worried about how upset you were. I got the impression that you're struggling with the auditory processing issue that you mentioned to me, and I really want to encourage you not to give up, and to make sure you get the help you need. You probably know this, but there are a lot of great therapies to help you both with the auditory processing challenges, and any anxiety that you might be feeling as a result of it. It's often easier to get that kind of help while you're still in school, so I hope you're working with someone at your college. You're really a great person, and you bring a lot to the table, so I really hope that you are getting all the support you need."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

She's told you what disorder she has. Why are you diagnosing her with something completely different?

And why would you tell her to "seek help"? She has a disorder. She's struggling with that disorder. She's struggling with feelings that she will never be normal. That's totally understandable. What is not normal here? What is not to understand?

Suppose Summer Associate were blind or had diabetes, and had the same meltdown in your office, with tears about the fact that she will never be normal and feels worthless. Would your response be to seek help because these are not normal feelings and she has an anxiety disorder or something? I don't get it, is struggling with an auditory processing disorder not something that you (an attorney) are going to be able to recognize under the ADA as credible? (And I'm not going to get into a debate about whether this is in the DSM, or is a disability, so don't get sidetracked). The point is -- she has a condition, she is struggling because of that condition, and she feels she will never be normal BECAUSE OF THAT CONDITION. Not because she has an anxiety disorder. These feelings are perfectly understandable. I've seen lawyers who had to work with a shoulder sling or a cast for two weeks have these feelings!

For pete's sake, if you don't understand your responsibilities, talk to HR.

What I'm saying is that I understand it is frustrating to have that learning disability, but I do not think it is normal or healthy to consider yourself worthless or an embarrassment simply because you misunderstood something someone said, or because you were very quiet at a work event. I think the anxiety STEMS from the auditory processing disorder and it makes me sad for her.

Maybe I am off base.

Great. I'm sure she'll perk up right away knowing that on top of her learning disability, she now knows thanks to you that she's not normal or healthy. You really have a way with people.

I guess you mean well, but it's not "normal or healthy" introduces the notion that there is yet something else wrong with her.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have an anxiety disorder. She is upset because everything is a struggle for her, and it's frustrating as hell. God. You think just because someone cries it means they need to seek help? They need a damn tissue. They need privacy or a hug from a loved one. She was having a moment.

[Anonymous]

Larla, I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough opening up to me and explaining the difficulties you've been having. I don't think you are giving off the impressions that you fear you've left with the rest of the team. I want to see you succeed in this program. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help or if you need suggestions for resources that can help your current situation here at the Acme Corporation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Larla, I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough opening up to me and explaining the difficulties you've been having. I don't think you are giving off the impressions that you fear you've left with the rest of the team. I want to see you succeed in this program. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help or if you need suggestions for resources that can help your current situation here at the Acme Corporation.

You are lovely. I hope someone gives you a hug and appreciates you today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a summer associate working for us...college student. She is finishing up next week. She is working under me. She somehow failed to mention she has auditory processing disorder (that just came out last Friday) and that this is reaaaally difficult for her. Tonight, we were wrapping things up at the office, just she and I left, and I look over at her and she is crying at her computer. I ask her what's up and she gives me this whole story about how she'll never be normal, how she feels so worthless, how she's embarrassing our company, etc. I didn't really know what to do, but it seems pretty clear these are NOT normal feelings and that she has an anxiety disorder or somethings.

Sounds like a very immature young lady and a nightmare to work with. She needs to grow up.