Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex

[Anonymous]

We're getting divorced because he cheated and got another woman pregnant. My family and friends loved him at one point, now they hate him. Why do I feel guilty and want to defend him whenever someone bad mouths him?

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids?

Only one.

[Anonymous]

Just keep saying "He was a jerk to me, but trashing him doesn't make me feel any better. He's my kid's father, please don't say anything negative about him in front of the kid. That talk only hurts the kid-and frankly, I don't want to hear it either."

If you keep giving them the same response, hopefully they will chill out-although my sympathy to your kid, you, and your family. Cheating spouses hurt many people through their actions, and rarely acknowledge the chaos they cause.

[Anonymous]

This just happened to my BIL, we hated his ex the whole time, and now she has cheated and they are divorcing.

But..... I don't tell him that.

It is basically telling you that you are bad at making decisions, like his affair was your fault... he is a jerk, didn't you see that, you should have know better and now the whole blame game is shifted back onto you and your failing at choosing a spouse.

Just say, "you know yes Joe is a jerk, but he is the father of my child. You need to stop saying negative things, you need to swallow your bitterness and be nice to him"

Then... you need to stop defending him... because he is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're getting divorced because he cheated and got another woman pregnant. My family and friends loved him at one point, now they hate him. Why do I feel guilty and want to defend him whenever someone bad mouths him?

My sister is getting a divorce and her husband turned into a real SOB. Family can't stand him and it is completely warranted. Let his family defend him not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just keep saying "He was a jerk to me, but trashing him doesn't make me feel any better. He's my kid's father, please don't say anything negative about him in front of the kid. That talk only hurts the kid-and frankly, I don't want to hear it either."

If you keep giving them the same response, hopefully they will chill out-although my sympathy to your kid, you, and your family. Cheating spouses hurt many people through their actions, and rarely acknowledge the chaos they cause.

This. The bolded in particular.

I know that your family and friends feel protective of you. Some of them may feel betrayed on their own account, since his actions hurt them too (in the way that their friend/family member was lying and hurting someone they care about). But they need to understand that badmouthing your ex to you is not a good way for them to deal with those feeling. Focusing on your child is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Are they badmouthing him or just telling the truth?

[Anonymous]

It's an indirect criticism of your choice, OP, so of course you don't like it. Tell them exactly that.

[Anonymous]

They are probably grieving the loss of your relationship, too, and are trying to understand it. It's easier to paint someone as a bad guy than to understand something that, as outsiders, they'll never be able to understand. Just make sure they don't make comments to your DC about him or his behavior, and stop feeling guilty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they badmouthing him or just telling the truth?

A little bit of both, but mostly badmouthing him.

[Anonymous]

They can hate him all they want but they need to keep it to themselves. It is going to hurt your child and it isn't going to help you. What he did was a dick move but he's still the parent of your child and you need to be able to effectively co-parent with him for the foreseeable future. Just tell them that badmouthing him isn't helping and is actually hurting and you need them to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can hate him all they want but they need to keep it to themselves. It is going to hurt your child and it isn't going to help you. What he did was a dick move but he's still the parent of your child and you need to be able to effectively co-parent with him for the foreseeable future. Just tell them that badmouthing him isn't helping and is actually hurting and you need them to stop.

Thank you. I never expected to be upset about them badmouthing him since I'm so angry with him, but it hurts to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They can hate him all they want but they need to keep it to themselves. It is going to hurt your child and it isn't going to help you. What he did was a dick move but he's still the parent of your child and you need to be able to effectively co-parent with him for the foreseeable future. Just tell them that badmouthing him isn't helping and is actually hurting and you need them to stop.

Thank you. I never expected to be upset about them badmouthing him since I'm so angry with him, but it hurts to hear.

It's easy to think that trashing the ex is the way to be supportive (I mean, that's what we all spent our single years doing, right? bitching about each others exes?) but when it comes to a family splitting up, it's not. They need to focus on giving you positivity and support, not crapping on your ex. You might just need to point that out to them a few times before they get it.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly where you are coming from. It is because you loved him at some point and my guess is you still care about him.

You also have empathy for others.