Deadbeat grandparents

[Anonymous]

Okay, so the title is a bit harsh. Just wondering if others out there have in-laws that expect them to always have their grandchild brought to them. They live about 45mins to 1.5 hrs away, depending on traffic. Although they are in their late 60's, they get around elsewhere just fine, attend plenty of social events and get out of town often. They are both retired, though one works part-time. My husband and I are kinda fed up with the expectation that he has to drive our 8 month old over to them, and sometimes he flat out lies to his mom that he's busy. Oftentimes, we are playing catch-up on the weekend, and doing family stuff, and they are not very outdoorsy. Unless we are doing what they want, they don't really want to be bothered. I'm getting sick of it. On the other hand, it's nice to have an occasional day where gramma can watch my baby while I have some downtime, but that offer is never made. I have to ask. Other friends offer more than my mother-in-law does. It occurred to me that maybe they don't like me or like coming over, but they sure to fake it if it has to do with any aversion to me. How have you all handled this? If my folks lived in town, I wouldn't be able to get rid of them; they'd be all over their first and only grandchild. This is the first grandchild on both sides of the family.

[Anonymous]

How often do you have to see them? What do they say when you invite them to your house?

[Anonymous]

Just stop doing it. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Some parents just feel more comfortable in their house. I wouldn't take it personally. I'd just give them the family schedule in case they ever want to join in and plan some dinners with them. The weekends will just get more hectic as your child gets older.

[Anonymous]

My parents just don't see it as their obligation to care for my children. Their idea of spoiling them is to get several Christmas gifts, which really isn't that extreme. They have busy social lives and they love their grandkids, but don't seem to see the day-to-day care as their issue. I wish they were more us-centric, but then, that's pretty me-centric to want, isn't it?

In your case, I'd probably decline to show up at their house all the time and invite them over sometimes to play and have a meal. But there's not a lot you can do to convince someone that your life should be the center (or even very prominent) in theirs, I figure.

[Anonymous]

OP here - they typically make excuses when we invite them over. Either there's another event, or whatever. I only see them every 2-3 months or so, on average. My husband sees them about once a month or once every 2 months as well. When we've raised the issues, they claim they'll make an effort. Mother-in-law says its her bad knee and has to rely on FIL to drive (balony!). Sometimes they've even complained that they don't see their granddaughter often enough. That's their fault, in my opinion! thanks for the responses...

[Anonymous]

The thing about being a grandparent is that you're totally free to decide how much or little and on what terms you wan to see your grandkids. Now, if they're complaining that your DH isn't bringing the baby over often enough, that's one thing, but otherwise, it's their life and their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents just don't see it as their obligation to care for my children. Their idea of spoiling them is to get several Christmas gifts, which really isn't that extreme. They have busy social lives and they love their grandkids, but don't seem to see the day-to-day care as their issue. I wish they were more us-centric, but then, that's pretty me-centric to want, isn't it?

In your case, I'd probably decline to show up at their house all the time and invite them over sometimes to play and have a meal. But there's not a lot you can do to convince someone that your life should be the center (or even very prominent) in theirs, I figure.

Omg, they don't see it as their obligation because it's NOT their obligation. I can't imagine thinking my mom was obligated to watch my kid. Day to day care is not their issue. It's yours.

[Anonymous]

So you accept them for who they are, put your own starry eyed dreams about what grandparents "should be" into reality, and be thankful for the time that you can get from them. Foster the relationship that exists in reality, not the one that Hallmark says you should have.

[Anonymous]

Not all grandparents are interested. Just a fact.

My own parents make zero effort and they live within driving distance. And yes, I have invited them. If I bring my kids to them, they're still not terribly interested.

So we don't see them much. Focus on the relationships in your life where people reciprocate. Focus on friends who will become like family. That's where I've put my energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parents just feel more comfortable in their house. I wouldn't take it personally. I'd just give them the family schedule in case they ever want to join in and plan some dinners with them. The weekends will just get more hectic as your child gets older.

Look when people get old some don't travel. It can be a health issue, some don't like driving, can't drive at night, etc. Instead of stewing about it, just tell them. We are tired and really do not want to drive over to your place. Also stop expecting them to be a free babysitter. It does work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, so the title is a bit harsh. Just wondering if others out there have in-laws that expect them to always have their grandchild brought to them. They live about 45mins to 1.5 hrs away, depending on traffic. Although they are in their late 60's, they get around elsewhere just fine, attend plenty of social events and get out of town often. They are both retired, though one works part-time. My husband and I are kinda fed up with the expectation that he has to drive our 8 month old over to them, and sometimes he flat out lies to his mom that he's busy. Oftentimes, we are playing catch-up on the weekend, and doing family stuff, and they are not very outdoorsy. Unless we are doing what they want, they don't really want to be bothered. I'm getting sick of it. On the other hand, it's nice to have an occasional day where gramma can watch my baby while I have some downtime, but that offer is never made. I have to ask. Other friends offer more than my mother-in-law does. It occurred to me that maybe they don't like me or like coming over, but they sure to fake it if it has to do with any aversion to me. How have you all handled this? If my folks lived in town, I wouldn't be able to get rid of them; they'd be all over their first and only grandchild. This is the first grandchild on both sides of the family.

This is way too one-sided, if anything, with a child that young or any child in diapers, people should be coming to you.

Ask them to meet you at the museum, or zoo or something else. Or visit you for the morning. Weekends are precious to catch up on things with your spouse and kid(s), especially if you both work FT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they typically make excuses when we invite them over. Either there's another event, or whatever. I only see them every 2-3 months or so, on average. My husband sees them about once a month or once every 2 months as well. When we've raised the issues, they claim they'll make an effort. Mother-in-law says its her bad knee and has to rely on FIL to drive (balony!). Sometimes they've even complained that they don't see their granddaughter often enough. That's their fault, in my opinion! thanks for the responses...

My parents are an hour away. Driving to see them once a month or less doesn't put me out at all. You make it sound like it's a hardship. As for wanting them to come, you just have to let that go. My fil declines and cancels all the time on us. By now, he must know it's his own doing. If your in-laws decline your invites, they will figure out that it's their own decisions that are keeping them from their grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, so the title is a bit harsh. Just wondering if others out there have in-laws that expect them to always have their grandchild brought to them. They live about 45mins to 1.5 hrs away, depending on traffic. Although they are in their late 60's, they get around elsewhere just fine, attend plenty of social events and get out of town often. They are both retired, though one works part-time. My husband and I are kinda fed up with the expectation that he has to drive our 8 month old over to them, and sometimes he flat out lies to his mom that he's busy. Oftentimes, we are playing catch-up on the weekend, and doing family stuff, and they are not very outdoorsy. Unless we are doing what they want, they don't really want to be bothered. I'm getting sick of it. On the other hand, it's nice to have an occasional day where gramma can watch my baby while I have some downtime, but that offer is never made. I have to ask. Other friends offer more than my mother-in-law does. It occurred to me that maybe they don't like me or like coming over, but they sure to fake it if it has to do with any aversion to me. How have you all handled this? If my folks lived in town, I wouldn't be able to get rid of them; they'd be all over their first and only grandchild. This is the first grandchild on both sides of the family.

[Anonymous]

In my family / culture the children do bring the grandchildren to visit.

As for free babysitting that's not an obligation that's up to them they had their days of caring for kids.


As for them not liking you, that's possible if the attitude you present here is representative of how you are in real life.