Deadbeat grandparents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you accept them for who they are, put your own starry eyed dreams about what grandparents "should be" into reality, and be thankful for the time that you can get from them. Foster the relationship that exists in reality, not the one that Hallmark says you should have.

Amen! Say it again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents just don't see it as their obligation to care for my children. Their idea of spoiling them is to get several Christmas gifts, which really isn't that extreme. They have busy social lives and they love their grandkids, but don't seem to see the day-to-day care as their issue. I wish they were more us-centric, but then, that's pretty me-centric to want, isn't it?

In your case, I'd probably decline to show up at their house all the time and invite them over sometimes to play and have a meal. But there's not a lot you can do to convince someone that your life should be the center (or even very prominent) in theirs, I figure.

Omg, they don't see it as their obligation because it's NOT their obligation. I can't imagine thinking my mom was obligated to watch my kid. Day to day care is not their issue. It's yours.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Once a month or so for them being an hour away sounds pretty reasonable op. I think your expectations may be a bit off.

[Anonymous]

Here's how you respond to invites:
"We've got some stuff we need to take care of on our side of the beltway this Saturday. But if you want to come join us for -------, we'd love to have you. You can stay at our place if you're too tired to drive back after."

And for babysitting, I think you really do need to ask (or have your husband ask, really)--you can't expect people to volunteer, especially given all the complaints about pushy MILs. But you also need to be clear that there's no pressure and they should let you know if it's too much. (Unless you're in a jam, then you tell them "I'm in a jam!").

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound like that much of a burden for you. My in-laws are in California and we're in DC, and they still expected us to do all the traveling with babies and toddlers. That was a burden, but we did it anyway because the alternative was the kids not getting to know their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Do you know what the word deadbeat means? I suggest you look it up.

[Anonymous]

OMG, thank your lucky stars. If your husband wants his parents to see their grandchild, he can make the time for that to happen. I don't make plans to see my MIL, that is up to my husband. If he doesn't make plans, we don't see her. That's on him.

[Anonymous]

Tell you husband to visit you, no phones excuses.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar problem.

So I decided for myself how often I wanted to see them and my kids to see them. I go to their house once a month. Anything more, they need to come to me. I haven't articulated this to them in this way, of course. But it's worked out well. And when they give me guilt trips, I don't feel that bad because I am going fairly often.

[Anonymous]

The care of children is not the responsibility of grandparents. Not unless they want to take on the responsibility or if the parents of the children are not there for some reason - death, disease, abandonment.

[Anonymous]

Consider that they may have reasons that they don't wish to tell you. I have an older relative with a bowel disorder that makes car rides very inconvenient. Or maybe your FIL is no longer a safe driver but your MIL doesn't want to admit it because she fears having to move into assisted living. it could be any nber of things. but with your dismissive attitude, you will never find out.

[Anonymous]

Inlaws livin in California and we live in the DC area. We still bring the children to them. They are capable of traveling (and do so) but for whatever reason do not want to travel here. They are old enough that they have earned the right to travel where and when they wish. This does mean fewer visits than otherwise, but apparently that works in their calculus of the situation. We visit when we can, we don't feel guilty if we can't, and we don't try to make them do other than they please.

[Anonymous]

I'm not even that old, DH and I are 50, and I much prefer when the kids bring the grandchildren to my house. I don't like driving at night. I am still very active most of the time (I ran my fourth marathon a few months ago) but I have days when arthritis makes it tough for me to get out of the house. Traffic bothers me now way more than it used to. I don't like being off my routine. I adore my grandbabies and will happily babysit for a few hours while the kids have a date night. I have no interest at all in babysitting more than a night or two a month. I raised my kids.

Consider that you have no idea what type of health challenges your in-laws might be facing. They are not "deadbeat grandparents". Do you even know what that word means?

[Anonymous]

Just don't go if you don't feel like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don't go if you don't feel like it.

No tell them you do not want to go. It is so much easier when everyone communicates. Just say...we are staying at home this weekend and looking forward to it. We work all week and just want to relax around the house. Who could not understand that?

Also as a side note, it is really good to have a place the kids are familiar and comfortable with...in a few years, when they are easier to care for....they can spend a long weekend over there and you can go places and do adult things(like dress leather and stay in the bedroom all day!). Think long term here.