EVER ok to side with the cheater if they are family?

[Anonymous]

I already know how my family plans to side (blood is thicker than water) and I've accepted their decision. However, as the child of a serial cheater and the innocent spouse myself in an emotional affair, I feel for people who are cheater on. This was a physical affair. It is over. None of the parties involved want to see each other again. But the family reunion in August and Thanksgiving are going to be awkward as hell if I don't fall in line with the official family position. I don't want to miscommunicate to any of the adolescent children that this is cool in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

This is going to come off accusatory, and I don't mean it to -- I'm just trying to understand.

Why would you be discussing who had sex with whom at a family reunion or Thanksgiving party, especially if young adolescents were present? Or do you mean who should be given the chilling eyebrow lift, loud sniff & turn, or pointed silent stare?

Answer to the latter: no-one. You model for the young adolescents that there is no way to interact with other people at a social event other than with polite good cheer and calm equanimity, and you leave it to their parents or other guardians to discuss sexual mores with them at an appropriately non-public time and place.

2 cents.

[Anonymous]

You can accept that someone did something crappy, and still love them as family. It doesn't mean you condone what they did.

[Anonymous]

People who have confidence and class always make an impression . Look good , smell good, sound good , be nice to be around. It's what separates winners and losers. It takes work and discipline but if you are someone who expects to influence anybody you must put in the effort . Otherwise just be a stinky pain in the butt. Don't ever think your feelings are anybodies top priority.

[Anonymous]

If you are talking about the mistress suddenly showing up at family events, I would go with cold, distant and polite to the mistress, along the lines of how you would interact with your kid's teacher that you couldn't stand, or the gossipy trouble maker in your neighborhood. Easy enough.

Be warm, gracious and kind to the childrens' mother on the odd chance you encounter her, especially in front of her kids.

[Anonymous]

So sick of cheaters. Sick of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sick of cheaters. Sick of them!

You must hate the human race. How do you think we populated the earth ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is over. None of the parties involved want to see each other again.

The "other woman" isn't going to be there. This is about how you act at a family gathering when you know intimate details about a couple's marital relations, not about how you treat someone outside the family.

You act as if you don't.

[Anonymous]

I would say to the cheater, to adult family members, and to my own kids (but not to teen relatives who aren't my own children): "Bob (or Jane as the case may be) is family and I'll always love him, but I strongly disapprove of his behavior, the pain he caused his spouse, and the pain he caused this family. I really hope he's reflecting on himself and making amends for his behavior."

And, for obvious reasons, I'm not the most popular person in my family. I can't say someone's behavior is cool when it's not cool, and I'm fine with people calling me on my behavior.

[Anonymous]

Um, why would anyone discuss a relative's sexual behavior? What do you plan to do, point at him and intone, "SHAME!"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who have confidence and class always make an impression . Look good , smell good, sound good , be nice to be around. It's what separates winners and losers. It takes work and discipline but if you are someone who expects to influence anybody you must put in the effort . Otherwise just be a stinky pain in the butt. Don't ever think your feelings are anybodies top priority.

LOL What thread was this meant for?

[Anonymous]

I don't think that you need to express an opinion about this at all. Go to the family reunion, have fun and stay out of the bad mouthing.

[Anonymous]

You be polite. You weren't cheated on by this person. Are you going to have to make a personal declaration or something? How would your opinion even come up? Don't engage in a conversation about this.

[Anonymous]

Wow. At my family reunions, we talk about swim teams, colleges, reality shows and pie recipies. Apparently, you people sit down and talk about who has been playing hide the salami with Uncle Billy.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't intend to intone a bell and chant shame, shame. However, a long term relationship is suddenly over, someone will be missing from the table, and there are bound to be questions from the under 18 crowd that adored this person. The rest of my family is looking for reasons to trash the innocent party to make the cheater feel better. I refuse to engage in denigrating either party, but I don't think I can sit next to the cheater, joke, and smile like I used to.