We are just roommates. I am so sad

[Anonymous]

No passion, no emotion, no sex anymore. We don't fight, but we don't share much either. We each go about our business, and we are partners raising our kids. We have a lot of fun with our kids, and I believe they see a loving family that supports them. But I feel like business partners. I'm the nanny. Take care of the kids, shuttle them around, get them to do their homework, and do it all over again tomorrow. I need to get that spark back. Can we find it again?

[Anonymous]

When did you last initiate sex? Just sit in his lap and start playing around. Men are sooo easy I don't understand your quandary here.

[Anonymous]

Kiss him deeply and grab his ass and tell him you miss him.

Why is this difficult?

[Anonymous]

Similar to pp. Doesn't sound like a bad marriage at all. Buy some cute lingerie, plan some date nights or picnics. Open a bottle of wine and watch a movie together after the kids are in bed. Just make things new and interesting.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any desire to have sex with him?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other post this is way to easy as long as you don't believe there is a 3rd party in the marriage. If you are still in decent shape and know what does it for him. Go buy something you know that he would like and you know put it on and just ask casually "hey does this look ok?" then go about your business. That will leave a thought in his head for the day, then find something else. If he is like an ass man and likes yours find your best undies and be bent over doing something when he goes by and give him a little peek. That will reinforce the last one. Keep doing this and you will slowly rev up his engine and things will kick off.

[Anonymous]

That's the thing -- I just don't feel that attracted to him anymore. Years of neglect, busy-ness, taking each other for granted. I am guilty too. But I would like to find that again. He is a good man and a phenomenal father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing -- I just don't feel that attracted to him anymore. Years of neglect, busy-ness, taking each other for granted. I am guilty too. But I would like to find that again. He is a good man and a phenomenal father.

Well some one has to kick it off, mine as well be you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing -- I just don't feel that attracted to him anymore. Years of neglect, busy-ness, taking each other for granted. I am guilty too. But I would like to find that again. He is a good man and a phenomenal father.

Then you find it. You have sex. You get a sitter and go out to dinner/something together. You would like to find it? Well what are you waiting for?

[Anonymous]

Who honestly knows if it can be kick-started again, but it's going to take work to even try. If I were you, I'd put in the work before the "functioning but not passionate" marriage turns into the "filled with resentment" marriage. I think this takes more than a date night although you should try that right away. I'd try in all sorts of little ways to work on reconnecting, whether it's alone time at the end of the evening or a weekend afternoon set aside for yourselves. And yes, have sex. I don't care how bored you are by it. But also pull out the big guns--I'd plan a long vacation with no kids. Kids zap energy. And conversation. And privacy. And. And. Go somewhere really romantic for 7-9 days. Alone. Whatever is romantic for the two of you--whether it's a place like Anse Chastenet in St. Lucia or Banff National Park in Canada. Somewhere where the two of you can do activities together that are fun and remind you each of why you connected in the first place--either something you both like to do or something new you'd both be into. And then have as much vacation sex as possible. Between the talking and the fun and the vacation sex, you should have a good idea at the end of the trip whether it reinvigorated both of you or whether you think you're permanently in the dead zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the thing -- I just don't feel that attracted to him anymore. Years of neglect, busy-ness, taking each other for granted. I am guilty too. But I would like to find that again. He is a good man and a phenomenal father.

My own experience is that the inevitable next step is for one of you to have an affair. Game over.
Not sure what right ingredients are to rectifying the problem. Spend time apart and quality time together. Novelty and doing things that originally cemented your relationship. Loss of respect will kill your marriage. Both of you need to find a way to show you still love and appreciate each other.
Being an awesome father won't save him from divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who honestly knows if it can be kick-started again, but it's going to take work to even try. If I were you, I'd put in the work before the "functioning but not passionate" marriage turns into the "filled with resentment" marriage. I think this takes more than a date night although you should try that right away. I'd try in all sorts of little ways to work on reconnecting, whether it's alone time at the end of the evening or a weekend afternoon set aside for yourselves. And yes, have sex. I don't care how bored you are by it. But also pull out the big guns--I'd plan a long vacation with no kids. Kids zap energy. And conversation. And privacy. And. And. Go somewhere really romantic for 7-9 days. Alone. Whatever is romantic for the two of you--whether it's a place like Anse Chastenet in St. Lucia or Banff National Park in Canada. Somewhere where the two of you can do activities together that are fun and remind you each of why you connected in the first place--either something you both like to do or something new you'd both be into. And then have as much vacation sex as possible. Between the talking and the fun and the vacation sex, you should have a good idea at the end of the trip whether it reinvigorated both of you or whether you think you're permanently in the dead zone.

+ 1. This plus an action plan of long term change

[Anonymous]

This happens to our marriage from time to time. The physical side gets cold, and we shut off from one another. Then, we have sex and it refreshes the marriage.

It's how I am wired, it's probably how your husband is wired. Like someone said upthread, someone has to be the initiator to change things. You may be able to re-light your whole marriage with a half hour of sex. Give it a shot, I bet it your feeling like roommates will dissolve.

[Anonymous]

The most important thing you shared here is you don't find him attractive anymore. Your marriage is over. I don't know about you, I can't be someone I don't find attractive. Nope not staying in that marriage it's a waste of time. I was going to ask if you are a fun person to be around, do you enjoy planning fun activities, are you romantic, are you spontaneous and creative, etc all of that won't make much of difference if you don't find him attractive.

[Anonymous]

It's not just sex that helps marriages, it's trying new things. Take up a hobby together, go out dancing, try a new ethnic restaurant every other week. Just something out of your comfort zone.