Anyone ever live with extended family?

[Anonymous]

How did it go?

I'm fantasizing about buying a large house in the 'burbs to "co-house" with my brother and his small family. We each have a child the same age (one boy, one girl), and we have one more child who is younger. They might have one more child but not anytime soon. We are probably done but considering foster or adoption for an older child once our children are older. We all get along really well, and I miss having family nearby. Our mom died years ago, and neither of us is close to our dad. My in-laws, while only 4 hours away, almost never come to visit.

My brother and his wife worked in very low paying non-profit jobs for a while, but he is working on getting his JD now. He's currently at the top of his class but at a lower ranked school (think like William and Mary level). So when he's done with school in 2 years, he'll be looking for a job, and DC is one of his possible targets because both of them could more easily find jobs here. They are very financially responsible but have very little savings. We are similar although better off since we are older and have worked longer. Our parenting styles are similar, though we are probably a bit stricter. Each of us are okay with aunts and uncles correcting our children.

I think it would be awesome to find a house big enough for everyone to have their own rooms (with same gender kids probably sharing) and baths, with a couple of separate living spaces for adults and children. Possibly a MIL suite or apartment arrangement. I love the Burke/West Springfield area for the schools or Vienna for the proximity to public transportation. Most likely if we did this, we would buy a house we could afford on our own, and then have them pay a slightly below market rent plus share of utilities. I could see us splitting groceries, meal prep, drop offs and pick ups, etc. I would assume at some point they would probably want to get a place of their own, once they've had time to save up, and I'm okay with that. We are in a house now that we like, but it's small and in a poorly performing school pyramid. We were thinking of moving in the next couple of years anyway. DH really likes the idea, too, and even proposed it this time around, since we're starting to casually look at neighborhoods, etc.

Tl;dr I want to co-house with my brother and his family. Good idea or not?

[Anonymous]

PS, I couldn't figure out if this was a real estate, money/finance outer family post, and it has implications for all areas, so I put it in Off Topic.

[Anonymous]

Do they want to live with you?

[Anonymous]

Maybe.
1. How does your brother and his spouse feel about it?
2. Do all the cousins get along well enough?
3. Can your brother afford this?
4. Do you all have similar parenting styles? I would be livid for example, if someone spanked my kid. Discipline, food, screens, homework, bedtimes, gifts/spoiling, manners, etc.
5. Are your scheudles staggered enough that you'll actually provide childcare for each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe.
1. How does your brother and his spouse feel about it?
2. Do all the cousins get along well enough?
3. Can your brother afford this?
4. Do you all have similar parenting styles? I would be livid for example, if someone spanked my kid. Discipline, food, screens, homework, bedtimes, gifts/spoiling, manners, etc.
5. Are your scheudles staggered enough that you'll actually provide childcare for each other?

1. We considered it when he was evaluating law schools, and a few in DC w on his list. I think they'd be totally on board for at least some period of time.
2. Cousins are preschool age now and get along well. Remains to be seen how that relationship will evolve and change as they get older.
3. If he had a job, yes. It would probably be less than renting a 2 bed apt.
4. Similar for the most part. I could see us addressing our differences and creating house rules to make sure we all agree on basic stuff. They don't speak and use gentle discipline much like us. We stricter on manners, they're stricter on food, but we're not too far apart.
5. I would only expect child care for date nights and such unless my SIL decided to become a SAHM and actually wanted to do that. She nannied for a bit before kids, but has an office job now. I don't expect her to provide child care, although if we decided to get a nanny or au pair, we could possibly share the cost.

[Anonymous]

Speak=spank And thinking about it now, there's probably no way I'd have an au pair if we have extended family living with us.

[Anonymous]

For me the biggest thing would be sharing a kitchen. What are their cleaning styles, and what are yours? Would you get on each other's nerves trying to cook and clean in the same space?

[Anonymous]

OP, that could quickly become unmanageable. Money management will be a PITA and will likely damage your relationship.

If you are close with family, buy a house near them. I don't mean the next house over, just something within a short distance however you define it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that could quickly become unmanageable. Money management will be a PITA and will likely damage your relationship.

If you are close with family, buy a house near them. I don't mean the next house over, just something within a short distance however you define it.

+ 1000000

[Anonymous]

How about two smaller houses in the same neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest thing would be sharing a kitchen. What are their cleaning styles, and what are yours? Would you get on each other's nerves trying to cook and clean in the same space?

This would be an issue. But parenting styles would be the HUGE thing. What if Op sends her child to time out for saying a naughty word and her brother just lets something like that slide with his kid. Trust me the kids will notice and the parents will judge each other.

Do not do it Op.

[Anonymous]

I would do it on a heartbeat, but I am very close to my brother and we come from a different culture where the concept is much less out-there.

[Anonymous]

This will be a catastrophe.

[Anonymous]

If they are rational, analytical people, I would give that a 50% chance of working out.

However is they are emotional types, don't touch that with a ten-foot pole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about two smaller houses in the same neighborhood?

+1 I grew up about a block away from a handful of family. It was great, but we still kept some autonomy. You could rent or sell the second house later on if your brother decided to move out.