In 9 months too late for a 180?

[Anonymous]

So nine months ago, I came to suspect my wife of cheating, but I have no verifiable proof. 99 percent sure though. She has always denied it. From that point on, I did everything wrong. I confronted early, which might have driven it underground. I came across as desperate and pathetic since I was so shocked and stunned and afraid of my family (2 kids) essentially exploding. I went into full protect-the-family mode. We met with a priest, but I suspect she might not have been honest with him. She has not seen the AP (he's overseas), but I know they've had contact. Now I so tired of fighting this and trying to make it work the way I've done it, which is all wrong. Could I try a 180 now? I need to get closure, apology, remorse, empathy, whatever, and I don't anticipate any apology or admission unless she sees a dire outcome (losing the family, exposure to her family -- I have protected her and not told anyone else, and that too is driving me insane.) The 180 preaches being upbeat and happy and positive all the time, which would be fine except I am anxious, heartbroken, numb and angry in equal measure. HELP!!

[Anonymous]

The 180 is you tap dancing around trying to save your marriage all by yourself by burying your true feelings. Be kind to yourself and get a divorce. Your kids will be okay and so will you. Her? Who cares.

[Anonymous]

You assume that the rest of the world knows cheating lingo.

To answer your question. You may want save your family but you have to establish if it's worth saving. More precisely you can't save it.

Also the 180 is not about your interactions with her. Its all about you changing your mindset from groveling to a cheater and saying please stay.
Weakness does not encourage fidelity. So I hate to say this but man up. Also a common observation is that if a women cheats your marriage is over.
Yet another reason to get it together. But Step back don't do stupid shit like snoop etc focus on what you want and articulate that.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've heard of the 'women cheat, marriage is over' thing ... I get it -- women who cheat get emotionally involved more than physically involved, and once emotionally separated from the husband, it's hard to get that back. But I have been to a support group that includes reformed women cheaters, so there are no absolutes.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post. My wife ended up moving out six months ago. The affair now seems to have ended. Your post reminded me to start the 180 today! I've been trying to reason with her and get angry and frustrated for months now. Something new has got to be started.

[Anonymous]

Yes you can start - it's never too late for the 180 as it is about protecting and empowering yourself. It is not a game and it it is a good idea even if you divorce. It's just about not groveling, being mature, taking the high road and respecting yourself.

Please go on survivinginfidelity.com - DCUM is terrible for affair advice.

[Anonymous]

My wife had a three-month affair for all the wrong reasons. The AP is always able to be more fun than you as the spouse. There are no demands on the person and it just fun/fun/fun.

I sat down with my wife and told her that I was unwilling to be in a relationship where there was cheating. She agreed but after a year we both agreed to a divorce as the magic was not longer in our relationship. I'm not sure if we sure we would still be married if not for the affair but I'm now with my 2nd wife and things are much better.

Bottom line is the affair is not the problem but a symptom of a problem. You don't love or respect your partner enough to a) not have affair b) spend you time and energy on another relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife had a three-month affair for all the wrong reasons. The AP is always able to be more fun than you as the spouse. There are no demands on the person and it just fun/fun/fun.

I sat down with my wife and told her that I was unwilling to be in a relationship where there was cheating. She agreed but after a year we both agreed to a divorce as the magic was not longer in our relationship. I'm not sure if we sure we would still be married if not for the affair but I'm now with my 2nd wife and things are much better.

Bottom line is the affair is not the problem but a symptom of a problem. You don't love or respect your partner enough to a) not have affair b) spend you time and energy on another relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife had a three-month affair for all the wrong reasons. The AP is always able to be more fun than you as the spouse. There are no demands on the person and it just fun/fun/fun.

I sat down with my wife and told her that I was unwilling to be in a relationship where there was cheating. She agreed but after a year we both agreed to a divorce as the magic was not longer in our relationship. I'm not sure if we sure we would still be married if not for the affair but I'm now with my 2nd wife and things are much better.

Bottom line is the affair is not the problem but a symptom of a problem. You don't love or respect your partner enough to a) not have affair b) spend you time and energy on another relationship.

There are no right reasons for an affair. There are reasons a marriage goes down the toilet. There are reasons people drift apart. There are reasons why you might want to get out of the marriage. There are no right reasons for an affair. If you want to be with that other person, do everyone a favor and get the hell out of your marriage first. (and make sure the other person isn't married so you aren't taking dynamite to two families.. god help if kids are involved.)

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I think you need to stop reading blogs on cheating and get an individual therapist to sort out what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife had a three-month affair for all the wrong reasons. The AP is always able to be more fun than you as the spouse. There are no demands on the person and it just fun/fun/fun.

This is always true of affairs. They are total fantasy land. Let's meet at the hotel, or in Paris, or at the beach, or at the office at midnight, or wherever. No kids, no bills, no dentist checkup, no Missy's piano practice to get her to, no dinner to make, just fun and sun and (probably) sex. It can never last. One way or the other, it has to end. Even if the affair is exposed and the two stay together, the everyday mundane BS will surface. And then guess what? Life gets boring again. And the cheater has already seen how this works, misses that fun, fun, fun dopamine drug/high and is likely to cheat again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 180 is you tap dancing around trying to save your marriage all by yourself by burying your true feelings. Be kind to yourself and get a divorce. Your kids will be okay and so will you. Her? Who cares.

Closure is something you give yourself. You want her to admit she's wronged you and to restore the ego injury her cheating has inflicted on you. Only you can provide that for yourself. Divorce her with dignity and self-respect and be a model for your kids about how to live with self-respect by walking away calmly from a relationship where you were not treated with respect.

[Anonymous]

My first thought was, there is plenty in what you wrote that tells me you need to apologize to your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So nine months ago, I came to suspect my wife of cheating, but I have no verifiable proof. 99 percent sure though. She has always denied it. From that point on, I did everything wrong. I confronted early, which might have driven it underground. I came across as desperate and pathetic since I was so shocked and stunned and afraid of my family (2 kids) essentially exploding. I went into full protect-the-family mode. We met with a priest, but I suspect she might not have been honest with him. She has not seen the AP (he's overseas), but I know they've had contact. Now I so tired of fighting this and trying to make it work the way I've done it, which is all wrong. Could I try a 180 now? I need to get closure, apology, remorse, empathy, whatever, and I don't anticipate any apology or admission unless she sees a dire outcome (losing the family, exposure to her family -- I have protected her and not told anyone else, and that too is driving me insane.) The 180 preaches being upbeat and happy and positive all the time, which would be fine except I am anxious, heartbroken, numb and angry in equal measure. HELP!!

You are shit out of luck. You have lost her trust. My sister is literally in the same boat with her husband. There is no other man, she has been living with me and there is no other man but her husband continues to insist that there is one but can't produce proof of it. He has driven her from her home and she can't tolerate it any more. You can't prove the affair cause there never was one. You need the help not her. It is over give it up, she is gone.

[Anonymous]

how do you know her AP is oversea when you don't have proof of the affair?