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Does SG Make You Meet with a Therapist Before Using Donor Sperm?
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Anonymous
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Does anyone know if SG requires you to meet with a therapist before using donor sperm? We are using donor sperm (due to severe male factor and genetic issues) and I just came from my "required" therapy session at my RE's office. (The office requires you to meet with a "child development specialist" before they allow you to use donor sperm) The "therapy" session was one of the worst experiences of my life and my husband and I are now thinking of switching to SG (we've met with both SG and our current practice). Our experience was just that bad.
I'm just wondering if I should prepare myself again for another round of "therapy" or if SG does not have this type of protocol for their patients using donor sperm. Thank you all for your help in advance! |
Anonymous
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I used a donor and part of their protocol was that you were to see a therapist before continuing, but I'm also a single mother by choice.
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Anonymous
What exactly did you hate about it? |
Anonymous
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quote]What exactly did you hate about it?
OP here...good question! To make a long story short, I was horrified at the way my husband and I were treated during our one hour mandatory session (which cost us $200, ugh!). The therapist prefaced the meeting by telling us that she was not here to judge us for our decision to use donor sperm and that there were no right or wrong answers, she just wanted to make sure that my husband and I were on the same page. However, the entire hour was spent with the therapist asking us questions and then openly judging and disagreeing with every answer we gave! She asked a lot of questions that I told her I could not honestly give an answer to at this very moment and when I was able to give an answer, she made faces of disgust and told me I was thinking too much of myself and not enough of my child (FYI, I'm not even a mother yet!) She twisted my words and used them against me so often that I had to keep repeating to her, "You're missing my point..." It was almost like talking to a fertility bully. I finally reached my boiling point when the therapist made the suggestion that in order for our "sperm donor child" to be a "complete individual" it was imperative that when our child grew old enough to understand where he or she came from, that my husband and I should bring our child to our RE's office, give him/her a tour and say, "See honey, this is where you were conceived." I lost it at this point and ended up walking out of the session in tears. As a heterosexual couple, choosing to go the donor route is hard enough without having to defend our decision and parenting styles to a woman who specializes in child development and has no clue about the very difficult journey we have taken as we deal with our infertility. She didn't even understand the difference between IUI and IVF. Basically, this woman was out of touch with reality and really made us feel like we had to defend ourselves. I'm still sick to my stomach over our session today and wish I could find a way to report this woman's unprofessional behavior. I told my RE but he only apologized and didn't seem to care much. |
Anonymous
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This is a dress rehearsal so you should actually be thankful for it. When your child grows up she may be far more interested in her genetic background than your struggle with infertility. It will be completely about your child at that point, not you.
If you can't handle these questions from a stranger with no personal stake in the situation how would you deal with them if they came from your precious child? Painful as it seems your hurt may be microscopic compared to the pain your child might feel about being unable to ever contact one of her biological parents. The therapist is right to force you to consider your child's possible perspective before proceeding. |
Anonymous
OP here...Wow, you sound just as heartless as the quack I met with! Did you even read my explanation above? Your comment above is completely off the mark in comparison to what I wrote. FYI...I never once even mentioned in my OP that we were planning to ever tell our child that he/she was conceived using donor sperm. How can my child question her genetic background if they don't know that donor sperm was ever involved? How can they feel bad about not being able to contact their "biological parent" if the think my husband and I conceived him/her the old fashioned way?? I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing whether or not we plan on telling our child about how they were conceived, however my point is...well...that you missed my point and just wasted your own time with your cruel post. It was not about being asked the tough questions...my husband and I have discussed all types of difficult scenerios that we would have to deal with if we used donor sperm and how we would handle it. I had no problems giving answers to the tough questions, it was the fact that the therapist made faces of disgust at us when I gave my answer (which is my opinion is unprofessional considering her role in the meeting) and that she openly disagreed and judged me for my answers when she prefaced the meeting with the explanation that she was not here to judge or question our parental styles but rather just make sure my husband and I were on the same page with our answers (which we are). I know this is 100% about the child and not about infertility, but when you are going through this horrible journey and are already beaten down, it helps to have someone who does not make you feel worse than you already feel. You are supposed to get something out of therapy, not feel sick about it. |
Anonymous
| Is it standard practice not to tell the child about being conceived with donor sperm? Was your decision not to tell the child a concern on the part of the therapist? |
Anonymous
OP here...I don't think there really are any "standard practices" regarding disclosure when it comes to donor sperm/donor egg. Psychologists have their own opinions about whether or not it is better to tell or not tell a child about their genetic origins...but ultimately, it is 100% up to the parents to decide whether or not they want to tell their child how they were conceived...and if they do decide they want to dislose this information, when exactly in the child's life they want to disclose it. I guess if a couple decides to tell everyone but the mail man that they are using donor sperm, then it will be difficult to keep this information from their child forever. I've read that some couples decide to keep it between each other and never disclose the fact of sperm donation to other family, friends or even the child. For privacy reasons (and to prevent myself from further attacks on this board) I'm not going to reveal whether or not the therapist was concerned about our level of discretion. I will say that she didn't really show "concern" as much as disgust...and her reactions had little to do with the topic of discretion, which is I guess what upset me the most. |
Anonymous
NP here. Your thinking on this is off-base if you consider it primarily to be an issue of telling a child "how they were conceived" - it's far more profound than that. Many parents seem to make this decision based on their own needs rather than the needs of the child - ie feelings of shame or embarrassment (which seem to come up more around sperm donation rather than egg donation) and/or the desire to maintain some kind of fantasy that no genetic donation was involved. Not to mention the whole issue of having a secret that is and remains central to family dynamics. Of course, you're right in that it is "100% up to the parents to decide" - but that doesn't mean the decision should be based 100% on the needs of the parents. |
Anonymous
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NP here.
Your thinking on this is off-base if you consider it primarily to be an issue of telling a child "how they were conceived" - it's far more profound than that. Many parents seem to make this decision based on their own needs rather than the needs of the child - ie feelings of shame or embarrassment (which seem to come up more around sperm donation rather than egg donation) and/or the desire to maintain some kind of fantasy that no genetic donation was involved. Not to mention the whole issue of having a secret that is and remains central to family dynamics. Of course, you're right in that it is "100% up to the parents to decide" - but that doesn't mean the decision should be based 100% on the needs of the parents. OP here...I am not off base in my thinking and neither was the poster who asked the question. You are the one who is off base. I never wrote that my husband and I based our decision 100% on our needs and not the needs of our child. In fact, I STILL HAVE NOT DISCLOSED WHETHER OR NOT MY HUSBAND AND I EVER PLAN TO TELL OUR CHILD ABOUT THE SPERM DONOR. MY ORIGINAL QUESTION WAS IN REGARDS TO THE TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE WE HAD WITH A THERAPIST AND NOT ABOUT SPERM DONOR DISCRETION!! NO ONE HAS EVEN ANSWERED MY ORIGINAL QUESTION. I DIDN'T INTEND FOR THIS POST TO BE ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU TELL YOUR CHILD ABOUT THEIR SPERM DONOR...SO PLEASE, IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO DEBATE THE SUBJECT, DO IT ON ANOTHER POST. NOT HERE. I JUST WANT MY QUESTION ANSWERED IF ANYONE KNOWS THIS INFORMATION! GEEZ! PS - WE ARE 100% NOT ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED ABOUT USING A SPERM DONOR SO YOUR ASSUMPTION IS DEAD WRONG! |
Anonymous
| I would just call shady grove and ask them. When I switched to SG it all hinged on a couple of specific questions and the person who handles new patient calls was able to answer my questions very quickly (she even contacted my soon-to-be RE and had him confirm something before we scheduled an appt). Good luck --dealing with donor sperm/egg issues is tough. We may use a donor egg so I sympathize with you. |
Anonymous
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OP, I apologize. I really didn't mean to be cruel. I failed to realize that you were upset about by the therapist's lack of professionalism rather than the difficult issues raised.
It was presumptuous of me to assume so much about you and your husband and wrong to weigh in as I had no information that could have helped to answer your core question. I wish you the best of luck. |
Anonymous
OMG! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ANSWERING MY QUESTION! I WILL CERTAINLY FOLLOW YOUR SUGGESTION. AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS. I WISH YOU ALL THE LUCK AS WELL. |
Anonymous
YOU ARE AWESOME TO SAY THIS, THANK YOU SO MUCH.  I REALLY DO APPRECIATE YOUR APOLOGY AND OF COURSE NO HARD FEELINGS.
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Anonymous
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Luckily we were able to finally concieve on our own.
I do not see a problem with not telling a child how they were concieved. I assume I came from my parents, but we never had this discussion. Why would anyone else? Only arguement is genetics, but for us my DH was adopted and he has no desire to find his birth parents. My grandma was left in a basket on at a church door during the depression, so we do not have her history either. We are not upset that he cannot give his medical history. OP-the thearpist sounds AWFUL. Regardless of the content of your conversation, her making sour-puss faces is enough for you to be upset. However, you should just figure that she is just a second rate thearapist that does not have the cerdentials or skills to be a real theapist and strik out into a private practice. I'm sure her next job will be with the public schools. |