Did I Settle?

[Anonymous]

I am dating a guy with whom I had a rough start. Think Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods." + "Style." We had an off again on again romance for the first year. His head wasn't in it. There was also his ex- girlfriend whom he would go to after ending it with me. 3 years later here we are. BF/GF. He now wants to propose. I think it is a year too late. Also, I resent his treatment of me. I feel like I settled. OR, did I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dating a guy with whom I had a rough start. Think Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods." + "Style." We had an off again on again romance for the first year. His head wasn't in it. There was also his ex- girlfriend whom he would go to after ending it with me. 3 years later here we are. BF/GF. He now wants to propose. I think it is a year too late. Also, I resent his treatment of me. I feel like I settled. OR, did I?

I don't listen to Taylor Swift. To be blunt, why would you get back in a relationship with a guy who treated you badly? I don't think you should get engaged, let alone get married. First, you resent his treatment of you. That is fair, but who wants to start of an engagement with someone they resent? Who wants to get engaged to a person you feel like you're "settling" with. Honestly, you should do him and yourself a favor by breaking up and moving on. I think the resentment and feelings that you settled will cause issues down the road. If you're not in love, end it and find a guy you're excited to marry.

[Anonymous]

Why are you dating him if you think it's too late to get engaged?

[Anonymous]

Agree 100% with pp. This is the wrong foot to start off on.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? Makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dating a guy with whom I had a rough start. Think Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods." + "Style." We had an off again on again romance for the first year. His head wasn't in it. There was also his ex- girlfriend whom he would go to after ending it with me. 3 years later here we are. BF/GF. He now wants to propose. I think it is a year too late. Also, I resent his treatment of me. I feel like I settled. OR, did I?

I don't listen to Taylor Swift. To be blunt, why would you get back in a relationship with a guy who treated you badly? I don't think you should get engaged, let alone get married. First, you resent his treatment of you. That is fair, but who wants to start of an engagement with someone they resent? Who wants to get engaged to a person you feel like you're "settling" with. Honestly, you should do him and yourself a favor by breaking up and moving on. I think the resentment and feelings that you settled will cause issues down the road. If you're not in love, end it and find a guy you're excited to marry.

BTW, I'm 27. Young but I realized this at like 23 after being treated badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Makes a huge difference.

No it doesn't.

Starting a marriage with resentment is at a minimum foolish.

Now run along with your MRA /women have an expiration date bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dating a guy with whom I had a rough start. Think Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods." + "Style." We had an off again on again romance for the first year. His head wasn't in it. There was also his ex- girlfriend whom he would go to after ending it with me. 3 years later here we are. BF/GF. He now wants to propose. I think it is a year too late. Also, I resent his treatment of me. I feel like I settled. OR, did I?

I don't listen to Taylor Swift. To be blunt, why would you get back in a relationship with a guy who treated you badly? I don't think you should get engaged, let alone get married. First, you resent his treatment of you. That is fair, but who wants to start of an engagement with someone they resent? Who wants to get engaged to a person you feel like you're "settling" with. Honestly, you should do him and yourself a favor by breaking up and moving on. I think the resentment and feelings that you settled will cause issues down the road. If you're not in love, end it and find a guy you're excited to marry.

100% This!

This will not end up well you will either end up breaking an engagement, standing at the altar thinking I'm making a mistake, or divorcing saying I knew I never should have married him and wasted 6 years on this marriage.


End it for good.

Maybe take a little time for yourself and find someone else.


You're not in love . You're in familiar.

[LoveLiveMusicDad]

How does he treat you badly? What triggers his negative reaction towards you. Does it increase when he's around his friends or if alcohol is involved.

If so, I'd give him a compliance test. If you're serious about us and me, no alcohol for 3 months, because we want to look hot for the wedding (and honeymoon).

If he can't adhere to something like that, then you're not a top priority. And you definitely wont be when money gets tight, someone loses a job, the sex gets less intense, etc...

I'm married for nearly 20 years now. Build it on a foundation of trust, love and respect (and great sex). When the kids come, you will be way better off than the what if in your mind.

Also, don't let the external pressure of the biological clock nudge you towards a bad decision. Think of yourself as the old L'Oreal commercial -- you may cost a bit more, but you're worth it.

[Anonymous]

This is not what I call 'setting.'

OP, at 27 you still got some mileage in you. Are you attractive? If you were to start dating, what would your prospects be?

[Anonymous]

LoveLiveMusicDad wrote:How does he treat you badly? What triggers his negative reaction towards you. Does it increase when he's around his friends or if alcohol is involved.

If so, I'd give him a compliance test. If you're serious about us and me, no alcohol for 3 months, because we want to look hot for the wedding (and honeymoon).

If he can't adhere to something like that, then you're not a top priority. And you definitely wont be when money gets tight, someone loses a job, the sex gets less intense, etc...

I'm married for nearly 20 years now. Build it on a foundation of trust, love and respect (and great sex). When the kids come, you will be way better off than the what if in your mind.

Also, don't let the external pressure of the biological clock nudge you towards a bad decision. Think of yourself as the old L'Oreal commercial -- you may cost a bit more, but you're worth it.

If someone needs a "compliance test," you should not be with them. WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

LoveLiveMusicDad wrote:How does he treat you badly? What triggers his negative reaction towards you. Does it increase when he's around his friends or if alcohol is involved.

If so, I'd give him a compliance test. If you're serious about us and me, no alcohol for 3 months, because we want to look hot for the wedding (and honeymoon).

If he can't adhere to something like that, then you're not a top priority. And you definitely wont be when money gets tight, someone loses a job, the sex gets less intense, etc...

I'm married for nearly 20 years now. Build it on a foundation of trust, love and respect (and great sex). When the kids come, you will be way better off than the what if in your mind.

Also, don't let the external pressure of the biological clock nudge you towards a bad decision. Think of yourself as the old L'Oreal commercial -- you may cost a bit more, but you're worth it.

If someone needs a "compliance test," you should not be with them. WTF?

+1 if any woman uses the phrase "compliance test" or tries to subject me to anything similar to a "compliance test" she doesn't deserve to be with me. PP is a nut.

[Anonymous]

I acted different when I was 23 compared to 27. Maybe he has changed?

[Anonymous]

The couples I know with rough starts to their dating inevitably ended up divorced, most with kids who are now suffering the consequences.

If you're resentful now, just think how that resentfulness will compound in 5 or 10 or 50 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dating a guy with whom I had a rough start. Think Taylor Swift's "Out of the Woods." + "Style." We had an off again on again romance for the first year. His head wasn't in it. There was also his ex- girlfriend whom he would go to after ending it with me. 3 years later here we are. BF/GF. He now wants to propose. I think it is a year too late. Also, I resent his treatment of me. I feel like I settled. OR, did I?

So the way he treated you in the past, any signs of that now? Is this a behavior change that he has made? About this ex-girlfriend, where is she now? Are they still "Friends"? If you are resentful about how he treated you in the past can you have an honest discussion with him about it? Maybe if you lay it out on the table and talk about it you can get past it. If not, bad idea to even entertain the notion of marriage if you are resentful.