SIL incredibly selfish

[Anonymous]

So joining DCUM so I can vent. MY SIL is extremely selfish. She consistently RSVP's "yes" to family events like birthday parties, holiday dinners, etc. and then routinely cancels at the last minute when her plans change- which really means it's no longer convenient to be where she previously committed to and/or she would just rather be somewhere else. This has gone on for years. It's beyond frustrating. Especially when she insists that we are "so close" and family is everything. Um, not it's not, since you routinely put your own schedule ahead of everyone else's and it never even occurs to you that you are self-centered and selfish. It's the hypocrisy that kills me. I called her out once by letting her know that I was disappointed by her last minute cancellation to a family event I had planned and she lost her shit. So rather than do that again, I'm venting here so I can hopefully move on.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just move on. If you know she's like this, then it shouldn't come as a surprise when she cancels. Fool me once...

[Anonymous]

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Is this an "invitation" or a "command performance" - meaning if she says "no" up front will folks just accept "no" or does she have to spend days explaining where she'll be going, what she'll be doing and who she'll be with instead..

Maybe she RSVPs "yes" just to get people off her back and then cancels last second so that she doesn't have to explain herself. Repeatedly.

Not saying that YOU do this to her but maybe other family members do?

[Anonymous]

The devil you know...

Either stop inviting her, or accept it. Those are your choices. Pick one.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the girl has a new boyfriend that she would like to be with but isn't quite ready to introduce to family.

[Anonymous]

Just always count her out.

[Anonymous]

Really, who cares whether she shows up or not? Yes, she's incredibly rude but you don't seem to enjoy her company anyway and it's not as if her absence ruins the party. Throw the party and if she comes, she comes. Enjoy the people who do show up. Post beautiful pictures on Facebook of the amazing party including pictures of the guests and their smiling faces. That way, you're the one who threw the awesome party that she blew off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, who cares whether she shows up or not? Yes, she's incredibly rude but you don't seem to enjoy her company anyway and it's not as if her absence ruins the party. Throw the party and if she comes, she comes. Enjoy the people who do show up. Post beautiful pictures on Facebook of the amazing party including pictures of the guests and their smiling faces. That way, you're the one who threw the awesome party that she blew off.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really, who cares whether she shows up or not? Yes, she's incredibly rude but you don't seem to enjoy her company anyway and it's not as if her absence ruins the party. Throw the party and if she comes, she comes. Enjoy the people who do show up. Post beautiful pictures on Facebook of the amazing party including pictures of the guests and their smiling faces. That way, you're the one who threw the awesome party that she blew off.

This.

Yep. I cannot imagine getting this worked up. I suspect OP wants to be the designated family hostess and SIL's independence is cutting into that role. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's disrespectful, and I would be highly annoyed.

I would try to ignore her.

[Anonymous]

My SIL would agree to go out to dinner with us. After sitting at the restaurant waiting we would call her and ask how much longer she would be. She usually said that she thought she would enjoy a different restaurant and went there instead. Not just us, as she did this to her parents as well. Eventually she was diagnosed as narcissistic, which explained a lot of her behaviors. Her child has asbergers so I suspect she has these tendencies also. Please learn to accept her as she is and live your life without expecting much from her. She may simply be unable to give anyone any attention.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've actually thought about her being a narcissist. To the PP above who stated that it's all about me and I have to plan every event- it's actually the opposite. Generally my husband and our family go out of our way to go to her house and her planned events, even when it's not convenient. We do this so our families can get together and so our kids can see their cousins. Almost all holidays revolve around her house (she, in a very passive aggressive way , makes it impossible to do anything else if we want to see other family) The point of my post is that the few times we plan our own events she NEVER reciprocates. Everything is always about her and even when she does show up (usually hours late) the conversation is always about her. Absolutely true that I should let it go and rise above it, but is can be quite hurtful. My reason for venting here is so I really can let it go and move on.

[Anonymous]

You sound very controlling, OP. Counseling might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very controlling, OP. Counseling might help.

Oh STFU. I bet you feel its ok to cancel on people at the last minute, too.

OP, I get it. Hope venting helps, and next time you invite SIL don't set a place for her. If she does show up, look surprised and say "Wow -- I didn't expect you to actually come, since you so seldom do. I'll have to set a place for you. Give me a minute..."