WWYD: loyalty and family ties

[Anonymous]

I grew up close to my mom's side of the family (her parents, her brother, and his two kids). My grandmother died when I was in high school and my grandfather's health started declining a few years after that. During my grandfather's slow decline (dementia), there was a lot of conflict between my mom and my uncle, mostly over caregiving responsibilities (my mom is local, my uncle was not, and my mom felt under appreciated for doing the lion's share of the caregiving). My grandfather died 9 years ago. In the conflict that resulted (over bad feelings related to caregiving responsibilities and fights over money) a lot of nasty things were said. My older cousin and my aunt in particular said some unforgivable things to my mom. Sample conversation: "You're a cancer on this family and I wish you would die!"

As far as I know, my younger cousin (to whom I was always closer to) did not directly say anything to my mom. At my mom's request, we have not had any contact with any of them in the 9 years since my grandfather died. My mom was very sick about 7 years ago (in a coma for over a week); my dad called my uncle to tell him, and he never called back.

I just reached out to my younger cousin on Facebook. She messaged me to say something generic like "good to hear from you." Now I'm stuck. I'm not sure how much contact I want with her -- I was close to her and I miss her but I don't want to hurt my mom.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is why you reached out to her in the first place?

You seem to be questioning yourself only after cousin was generically responding. Did you hope (or expect) that cousin would be over the top gracious and all open arms with you and when she wasn't, you started to second guess your reaching out? I'm not trying to be snarky at all, just trying to help you figure out what you were expecting when you first reached out and if that changed after she responded.

[Anonymous]

I friended her after talking with my brother about his upcoming wedding and about how we don't have any extended family. I was just thinking about the relatively passive engagement that comes from being Facebook friends. Her message, though, invites me to do something more active -- and I hadn't thought that through.

[Anonymous]

pp here again. Perhaps you can still maintain the passivity you want through facebook. Now that you're friends, you'll see each other's posts etc. and you can slowly decide how far you want to take the relationship.