Dealing with Parents' Imperfections
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Anonymous
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Most of us grow up and see our parents with new, entirely too critical eyes. I know my parents, as loving and wonderful as they are, could definitely be toxic and have definitely caused some emotional issues that I still deal with today.
For example, when I was little and got into a fight with my little sibling, my father would yell and scream at me and tell me I was vile for treating my sibling like that. Instead of being gently told to be nice to my little sibling, I was viciously villanized, called a "scorpion" and evil for mistreating a little kid.Granted, once his temper cooled, he'd come to my room, hug me and apologize to me and tell me I was awesome. His words stuck. Even now I deal with immense self loathing and his treatment of me then has almost caused me to dislike my little sibling. My mom had this awful habit of making me feel bad whenever my dad got me a present. Money was tight in our house. So when I asked for something, at first they'd say no and when I'd cry they'd feel bad and go out and buy it for me.When my dad was away, my mom would come to me and tell me I was a bad person for making my dad spend money on me that he did not have etc. I felt SO guilty and even now it is hard for me to receive gifts without feeling like I do not deserve them. I was never taught to clean my room or do laundry as my mom did everything. When I got older, however, I noticed that they turned it on me and would go around mocking me for being lazy and dirty or some such. I was constantly criticized and mocked and treated like I was helpless. In college, away from them, I learned to do laundry, cook and clean. There was nothing wrong with me after all. I do resent them for doing a number on me. I also realize they were imperfect people who I know literally did the best they could. As such, I still love them and would do anything for them. I do not understand why people cut off parents for offenses like this. |
Anonymous
| Your mom probably asked you to help with laundry and cleaning, and only started mocking you when you weren't willing to help. |
Anonymous
| How old are you OP? Do you have children of your own? How do you parents treat you now? |
Anonymous
| Big deal. No one has perfect parents. Your complaints sound fairly minor, OP. |
Anonymous
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My mom had been a home ec teacher before she had me. She never let me help cook or taught me to sew. She did send me to Sears for sewing lessons then ripped everything out I had done and re did it herself. That whole perfectionist thing I guess.
Could have lived with that if it wasn't for the beatings. Left home for college and never returned. |
Anonymous
Um yeah. You sound kind of spoiled and entitled OP. You were a mean bully so your dad yelled at you instead of "gently telling you" not to be? If you didn't get what you wanted, you cried until you got your way? |
Anonymous
| You cried when they didn't buy you something! OMG. I knew money was tight and I never ever asked even for essentials. |
Anonymous
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This sounds like a thinly-veiled rebuke to people who dare to share stories of their own abuse on this board.
The most callous and pompous response on such threads is always some variation on "your parents aren't perfect; no one is" or "I just hope your children don't judge you as you judged your parents." It reeks of condescension and privilege. Congratulations, OP, on "forgiving" people who called you out on what sounds like immature behavior." ? |
Anonymous
Same here. OP, you're entitled, and your parents sound passive aggressive. BTW, no one needs to teach you to clean your own damn room. |
Anonymous
Spot on. In all the years I've been reading this, I've never heard anyone cutting off their parents for the behavior you are describing. It just doesn't rise to that level and that you can't see the difference speaks to your continuing immaturity and limited experience. |
Anonymous
What the heck are you talking about? No one cuts parents off for these "offenses," which arguably are not even offenses at all. Were you hoping for a pat on the back for your magnanimity? For forgiving your parents for (1) yelling at you when you bullied your sister, (2) rebuking you when you manipulated a parent into buying unneeded items by crying (?!), and this one I don't even get, (3) tolerating your refusal to clean your room or do your laundry. |
Anonymous
| OP, your post is a little tone deaf. I have a parent with whom I've struggled to maintain contact through a lot of problems -- haven't cut her off -- but it's not an incident here and an incident there. It's constant lack of boundaries. |
Anonymous
| Op, stop thinking so deeply - - you'll be happier |
Anonymous
| I think in general fathers yelled a lot more in the previous generation or were not as present in child-rearing. I understand and empathize with some of your issues - although here's the key that you don't talk about that may be missing for a lot of people who don't get you. Do your parents still do toxic things? If yes, then you need to separate yourself by and large. If no, then forgive and try to forget. You can only live in the past but for so long until you begin to make yourself nuts! |
Anonymous
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I think people are being awfully harsh on OP. Some kids really do need to be taught. Kids are assholes. I think we can all agree on that. To call what I presume to be a 3 or 5 or even 7 yr old a bully for picking on her kid sister, presumably two or so yrs younger, is quite harsh. Her dad could have handled that better by saying you're the big sister, you get to teach little sis how to be a big kid like you. Let's teach her nice words and gentle touches etc. But that's not what he did. He screamed at her for it. He taught her how to behave and then made her feel like shit when she followed his example. Not cool. Set the example you want your kids to follow and be their first and best teacher.
The crying when not getting her way, typical asshole kid thing. Again her parents taught her to do this by not saying no and meaning it. I'm on team mom with this one though. Mom tried to tell OP they didn't have the money to give her the things they wished they could so OP doesn't have anything to complain about here. She acted like a brat, mom called her out and explained the money thing and OP continued to act like a brat. This ones not fair OP; you need to let this one go. With the laundry and room cleaning...yeah mom should have taught you that and taken the time over the years to help you be responsible for your own things instead of just flipping a switch one day and being mad at you for not doing what she's always done for you. On the flip side she probably hoped you'd grow up and start asking how to do these things and offer to help as is normal for most kids. When you didn't then she got tired of it and snapped. Not nice but still forgivable. It's hard to be human op. Just remember there will be things you do that will be hard for your own kids to accept and understand. Be a good teacher and remember that generally speaking most parents don't wake up and wonder what they can do to make their kids miserable that day. They're just trying to get through the day like you. Go watch the movie Smoke Signals. It talks a lot about forgiving our fathers. It's really a good movie with a lot of underlying themes and messages. |