What do you do when you've reached the limit of your parenting abilities?
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Anonymous
| I love my 8-year-old son to the ends of the earth, but I feel like his challenges are beyond what I know how to help with anymore. He has these moments where he's an amazing kid and I'm blown away by his kindness and maturity, but most of the time he ranges from just generally uncooperative/resistant to full on rude, defiant, throws epic tantrums when asked to do something he doesn't want to do (or not given something he wants) or if he gets in trouble, etc. Everything is a battle with him, no matter how small. My understanding is that it's not nearly as bad at school as it is at home, but it definitely happens and seems to be having an impact on him socially there (trouble making friends, being left out of play dates, etc.). I feel like I've tried everything I know, and I don't know if my parenting abilities are just too limited and I'm the one who needs parenting help, or if he needs professional help that's beyond what a parent can provide. I'm feeling completely beaten down by this, it seems like every bit of my energy goes into just managing to get through the day with him, I don't have anything left to put in any extra that might help him learn to manage this better. Has anyone been here? What did you do? Did it help? |
Anonymous
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OP, are you a single parent? I didn't see any mention of a partner in your post, making me wonder.
Can you give us a specific example of a recent battle, how you handled it, and what the outcome was? Perhaps then we can better help you modify your reactions (if necessary) and give you suggestions. It's also entirely possible he could benefit from counseling. |
Anonymous
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In my opinion, 90 percent of the time if a kid is being a butt, they are either hungry, thirsty or tired.
So my advice is feed him, water him, let him rest. Then see if he returns to your normally scheduled sweet kid. |
Anonymous
| I'd have him evaluated. Then you can see if it's a parenting issue/discipline issue or something else. |
Anonymous
New poster. This is true for my kid, but he doesn't eat well on most days. So he acts like an a$$ most days. I think he needs better coping skills even when he is hungry. Who do you reach out for help with these kinds of issues? Parenting experts? Psychiatrists? I do think he's deeply unhappy about something. |
Anonymous
| Child psychologist. Get a rec from your pediatrician. Made a world of difference for my DS when he was 7-8. |
Anonymous
| Does he have any problems with distractibility (with non-preferred tasks) or inattention? The behavioral stuff sounds a lot like my 8 year old with ADHD. I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. Do you have a supportive partner? It might be worth seeking an evaluation if it continues. |
Anonymous
I'm not a single parent, but I'm a SAHM parent and DH works long hours so the bulk of the moment-to-moment parenting falls to me. To give an example from yesterday, DS and his 3-year-old sister were in the living room, I'm not sure what preceded the event because I was making dinner. I look over just in time to see her throw a toy at him (missing him by a mile, which doesn't excuse her behavior but it's not like anyone could claim that he overreacted because he was in physical pain), and then him pick it up and hurl it at her really hard, hitting her square in the face. I tell him in a harsh voice (but not yelling) that he knows he's not supposed to throw things, and I want him to take a time out to calm down and then we'll talk about it. He just stands there looking furious and doesn't move. I tell him for the second time that he needs to take a time out, and that I'll talk to him about it when he's done. I then turn back around and realize blood is gushing from the 3-year-old's nose, DH still hasn't moved, so then I do raise my voice to him that he needs to take his time-out now, and there will be more consequences if he doesn't. He finally goes upstairs, I get the bloody nose to stop, and then talk to her about how it was wrong to throw a toy at her brother, and she owes him an apology when he comes down even though she's the one who got hurt, because her behavior was still wrong. Once she's all cleaned up, I realize that DS has been upstairs for far longer than required for time-out (he knows how long they are, he keeps track of the time and knows he can come down when it's done). So I go upstairs to talk to him, he's sitting on his bed, tears rolling down his cheeks, face screwed up in a way that I know means he's trying to not break down in a complete screaming fit. I sit down next to him and ask if he's ready to talk, he mumbles yes. I ask him if he understands why he got in trouble, it takes a bit of prompting to get him there ("I'm in trouble because Larla got hurt." "Why are you in trouble over Larla getting hurt?" "Because I hurt her." "How did you hurt her? What was the behavior that was wrong?" "I threw a toy at her"), and then I confirm that yes, that's why he got into trouble, and that it's never okay to throw something, even if you're not throwing it at someone or meaning to hurt them, because you could hurt them accidentally, or you could break something. I'm not yelling, I'm not raising my voice, I'm being very deliberate to be calm and not bring anger into it because I know it's counterproductive at this point. Then I ask him if there's anything he'd like to talk about, like anything I didn't see that he thinks I should know happened (e.g., did his sister do even more before throwing the toy that provoked him). I asked him that (although I didn't say this), not because it would excuse his behavior, but to understand if I did miss something important that needs to be addressed, and to give him an outlet if he's fuming about something). He mumbles no, and the tears just keep coming. I ask him what's going on with the tears (kindly, compassionately, truly not angry at all anymore), is there anything I can do to help. He just starts sobbing and can't get words out, finally starts gasping that he doesn't know, he doesn't know, and then goes back to sobbing. I sit with him and hug him for a few minutes until he stops crying, and then ask if he'd like to come downstairs. He doesn't respond, and I follow up with, "You still have to apologize to Larla, but then we'll still have time to play basketball before dinner like we planned." He says he's not coming down because he doesn't want to apologize. I tell him the apology isn't optional, it's part of taking responsibility for your behavior, but if he'd like he can have a few minutes on his own to settle down before he comes down, and he nods his head but refuses to say anything else to me. I go back downstairs to make sure my daughter's nose bleed has stopped, give him about five minutes, and then go back up (because I know from past experience that at this point, he will literally stay in his room the entire night and refuse to leave if I don't get him to come back down). I sit down with him, give him another hug, sit with him for a few minutes, then say, "I know it's not fun to apologize. It's uncomfortable, you might be anxious about how the other person will respond, it's not something anyone looks forward to. But once you do it and get it worked out, it will be done and you can move on from it." He sits there and shakes his head, looking absolutely furious, won't say a word. So I tell him to come on, we're going downstairs and getting it over with, and finally he gets up and follows me. Once we're out of the room, he's bounding down the stairs totally fine, apologizes to his sister (and I prompt her on giving him a properly apology as well), and then it's like nothing ever happened. I'm left with my head spinning, though, because how does he go through such emotional swings and then seem completely unaffected, not to mention I'm emotionally spent from dragging us through the whole process. |
Anonymous
Sometimes this is a factor, so I try to head it off as much as possible. For instance, I make sure he eats breakfast within a half hour of walking up on the weekends, because otherwise the first time he's unhappy about something (such as me telling him he needs to take a break from whatever he's doing for xyz that needs to be done), he'll get into this angry fit that, while he's never physically lashed out at someone in these moments, makes me afraid sometimes that he's just a hair's width away from losing control and attacking someone. Food/water/rest seem to help sometimes, but it's far from a cure-all. |
Anonymous
| Yes, professional help. I'd start with a good child psychologist. (And probably the pediatrician too, although in my experience, they kinda suck at mental health stuff, but maybe yours is better. Or at least has good recommendations.) |
Anonymous
This. Psychologist spent as much time with me (or more) brain-storming solutions for the parenting issues I was having. |
Anonymous
| Some kids are more prone to guilt. Some are more prone to shame. It sounds like your DS is more prone to shame, which makes his feelings unbearable for him and prevents him from doing things like saying sorry. If you don't want to have your DS evaluated, you could start seeing a therapist and try to figure out strategies for how to match your parenting style with his needs. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think you did fantastic with the example you gave. Really amazing. I am sure it was exhausting for you but it sounds like you helped him work through his feelings.
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Anonymous
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Do you ever talk to him about what he can do? Different ways of handling the situation? Based on what you've posted, I think that you need to take a more active role in teaching him how to navigate difficult situations. A psychologist could help him with that too.
Also, your DH needs to step up. If he's home and seeing these things, it's on him to work as your teammate in keeping the peace in the house. He doesn't get to check out and leave all the discipline to you. |
Anonymous
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Sounds similar to my Adhd kid. Lack of impulse control and emotional volatility are common symptoms. A psychologist can both assess him and provide parenting guidance/behavioral interventions for you, regardless of diagnosis.
I often feel like I am out of my depth with my kids, eveb with all the professional support. But there's nothing to do except keep trying. |