How did you "find yourself" after your divorce?

[Anonymous]

I'm in the process of divorcing my husband. I feels lost, lonely and like I failed.
I also gave myself up completely to make my marriage work. As a result, I have no idea who the hell I am.
I'm trying to come up with a list of things that I can do to figure myself out. I really want to focus on how I can be nice to myself again.
What did you do to grow and heal after your divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the process of divorcing my husband. I feels lost, lonely and like I failed.
I also gave myself up completely to make my marriage work. As a result, I have no idea who the hell I am.
I'm trying to come up with a list of things that I can do to figure myself out. I really want to focus on how I can be nice to myself again.
What did you do to grow and heal after your divorce?

Good Luck with that.

I am in marriage have lost myself.
But have some beautiful kids that make it worth it to me.

[Anonymous]

Binge drinking
Lowering of standards to...
...have lots and lots of sex with guys I normally wouldn't have considered in my younger days

Repeat

[Anonymous]

It was a bumpy road but a lot of good came out of it.
I probably drank too much. I don't recommend you do that because it makes you feel terrible and it gets you into trouble, inevitably.
But I also did some traveling, took some great writing courses, started going to music gigs (which I hadn't done in years).

And I did little things too - you have to change your routine on the weekends or you will feel his absence more. I bought myself a bouquet of flowers every Saturday morning and made a pot of coffee (I had never drunk coffee before then).

You make minor changes to help you cope with the bigger change. I rearranged furniture, eventually moved out.

Best of luck. It does get better. Sometimes its a bit two steps forward, one step back but you get there.

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous posters. I divorced in my 20s with no kids, so my experience will likely be different from yours.

I drank a lot, partied a lot, dated (*ahem*) a lot, etc.

At the same time, I made a lot of good friends, developed friendships, picked up hobbies. I also started lifting weights and I did a lot of yoga. I ate healthy food.

Basically you do the things that make you happy, but you have to accept that the process will be a bit bumpy and that you will need to figure out what those things are.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm 34...so not young, but not old.
I don't have children, but just can't help but feel that I'm washed up.

[Anonymous]

I screwed a lot of guys. It was fun.

[Anonymous]

Right there with ya, OP!

I made space to find myself. Get rid of your ex's stuff, and anything replaceable that reminds you of him. Clean house, physically, and get rid of clutter. It's surprisingly good at helping clear out emotional grunge, too.

Next, try new things. I took tennis classes at the YMCA (bonus: childcare was available!). New things often mean meeting new people, and those people like to do things, so there's another opportunity to go try more things... It's one of those "...how can you know who you are 'til you know what you want..." things (which is totally a quote from a Sondheim musical I took myself to see, and see how handy it can be to go see/do new things! ) Throw a bunch of new activities into your life and see which stick.

Third, but perhaps most important, DO NOT go looking for someone. Seriously. This is the absolute worst idea. If you don't know who you are and what you want, you're a liability to those around you, and that lack of self-knowledge is going to seriously hinder any new relationships you may form. Stick to casual friends/activity buddies for a bit.

Give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself. Don't lay on (additional) guilt by feeling selfish for taking time to find yourself. It's important work. "Walk around feeling like a leaf. Know you could tumble any second. Then decide what to do with your time." (A quote from a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye. I also discovered I like poetry )

[Anonymous]

I was married 20 years and after the divorce found a few rebound women (never cheated on XW). After that novelty wore off I worked too much and realized that wasn't healthy. Started working out, got into shape and joined many Meetup groups (hiking, dating) and created new friends. After 4 years and a few girl friends later I am really happy with whom I've become. Still looking for the forever one, however it was lonely and dark for awhile - this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine found herself another husband. And another one. And another one. And a final (5th) one she swears is "the last marriage."

I don't recommend her method of coping with divorce.

In your case, I'd hire a trainer, commit to a good exercise plan, clean up your eating if you can. Make some new friends you can hang out with, if the current ones are all married and/or homebodies. Date around a bit. Just do whatever YOU want to do for awhile.

[Anonymous]

This is fantastic advice! Thank you everyone. I'm really fortunate because I actually have made quite a few amazing friends from activities I joined while married. These friends don't even know my husband, which is nice. They've been incredibly supportive and encouraging.
I gained some weight due to depression and have steadily losing it after eating a more healthful diet and lifting weights.
I've always been in a relationship. I've never had a break from it and because of that, I have a string of broken relationships behind me. I don't want to go down this road again. I'd rather spend the time now to figure it out than to waste years with someone, only to discover that I'm still a mess. I'm really scared.

[Anonymous]

I submitted a proposal to a publishing house that I take a "trip" around the world to various countries on their dime then write about the experience... I thought, what a great way to see the world and eat, love, and pray about my current situation. Possibly meet new people, too? Heck yes! I went for it and they bit. I traveled to far away places and certainly did FIND myself in ways I never could have sitting at home attempting to fit into the day to day office life that so many women accept as what is their path.

Try it, OP, you could truly find yourself!

[Anonymous]

Exercise.

[Anonymous]

Hey op. I'm in the same boat except I have young kids and I'm old.
Im surprised no one has mentioned therapy to figure yourself out and try and make sure you don't have a repeat performance.

[Anonymous]

Take up a sport that makes you live in the moment. I ride horses and volunteer at a shelter