I adopted as a single mom. Now, marriage proposal

[Anonymous]

Forgive me if this is not the right forum--I don't see a Legal Questions forum.
I adopted my child as a single mom abut ten years ago. All is well and we are very happy.
My boyfriend was supportive during the process, but not sure he wanted to be a dad. No problem.
He has since become VERY supportive, financially and every which way, and we've lived together for the past four years.
I think it's not healthy for us (or our child) not to be married. It's just too unsettled. I insisted that he keep his own place--he rents it out occasionally--but I want to make sure that if we split up, he has a place to go and my daughter and I don't lose our home.
He is now preparing to retire (he's much older). He asked, but cannot add my daughter to his life insurance (we're in Maryland) unless he either formally adopts her, or we get married.
Not too romantic--we're not romantic types--but should we get married so I can make sure my daughter is provided for, financially, should something happen to him?
Also, if we're not married, can we visit him in the hospital should something happen?
This is not the Prince Charming and white picket fence fantasy that I had when I was a teen, but this is my life. I'm grateful, but need to make sure my daughter is protected.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are marrying for this right reason. You seem to be marrying because of financial benefits for your daughter. You marry because of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are marrying for this right reason. You seem to be marrying because of financial benefits for your daughter. You marry because of love.

Disagree. In this case you are formalizing what is a defacto marriage anyhow and you are doing it to benefit and protect your daughter. Absolutely you should do this. At the very least, have him adopt her.

[Anonymous]

Do you love him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are marrying for this right reason. You seem to be marrying because of financial benefits for your daughter. You marry because of love.

Disagree. In this case you are formalizing what is a defacto marriage anyhow and you are doing it to benefit and protect your daughter. Absolutely you should do this. At the very least, have him adopt her.

I would not let this man adopt her. You never know what will happen. Just continue to play house. It's hurting no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love him?

They have been in a relationship for 4 years. I would say yes?

Agree with PP to formalize it. He is already a shaping force in her life, and if he has been caring for her all of this time, and he is now willing to accept the responsibility - and you have no issue with this - I see no reason not to UNLESS:

1- I am completely wrong, and you do not love him, OP. If you are just going through the motions and you really could not entrust the care of your daughter to him should anything happen to you, then do not do it. Assign someone else as guardian should something happen to you.

or

2. You think there is a possibility you may ever divorce if you married and/or he adopted. In most serious circumstances, you do not have parental/spousal rights or authority without a formal adoption or marriage. However, if you two end up divorced and he adopts, he could potentially claim custody to your daughter too.

Just throwing that monkey wrench in there

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to somebody about estate planning.

It is not true about the life insurance... or you could say it is true that nobody under the age of 18 is going to be the beneficiary of a life insurance policy without somebody else, like a trustee of a family trust.

I am not sure why you are worried about life insurance policy.

Who do you have as your guardian for her if you were to die?

Keep the home in your name.
Don't let him adopt.
Why aren't you the beneficiary of his life insurance policy?
Get Power of Attorney and Power of Medical Attorney for hospital stuff.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd see an attorney to ask these question. It might fall under estate planning -- if he has you on his life insurance, can't you use the $ ? Or he could certainly put his daughter in his will, for example.

I'm not a lawyer but there are plenty of experts -- I'd go consult one for a few hundred dollars and rest assured you made a decision that works financially and emotionally for all of you.

[Anonymous]

from the OP, the man has been in OP's life since before the adoption, so he is the father in the girl's mind.

Go for it, OP...although I get a PP's point of view that it feels like it's for financial, not love reasons, I disagree because the love etc. is already there, the financial just needs to be nailed down so as to nail down...the security. Everyone tends to have a better life and make better decisions and "move towards self-actualization" when the issue of security is taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you are marrying for this right reason. You seem to be marrying because of financial benefits for your daughter. You marry because of love.

Disagree. In this case you are formalizing what is a defacto marriage anyhow and you are doing it to benefit and protect your daughter. Absolutely you should do this. At the very least, have him adopt her.

Agree. DH and I got married because he needed health insurance. We already knew we were spending our lives together and loved each other, marriage just seemed like a formality. If you are in love with the person and are already essentially living and a married couple, as OP is doing, it's understandable to view marriage as what it is at it's most basic level: a legal arrangement/agreement between two parties.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to marry him? If you do, go for it. Sounds like the benefits that come with being legally married would be helpful. He doesn't need to adopt her unless he wants to do so.

He can put her in his will as an unrelated person, I think.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem like you would be marrying this man for the traditional reasons.

The man you marry should be someone you love unconditionally & truly someone you can build a future with.

Not someone who will be your child's savior.

I think you should stay unhitched.
Besides these days, no one even blinks an eye at unmarried couples w/kids.

[Anonymous]

Marriage would be the easiest way to cover all the legal bases. From the way you wrote your post, it seems you've been with him over 10 years and that all is happy. I say just marry him.

This may give you social security income in certain situations.
It potentially gives access to health insurance for your daughter.
It does give you access to him in the hospital.
He can make you his life insurance beneficiary, and you can manage the money in your daughter's best interests.

All of it can be managed by an attorney for estate planning, too. But marriage is the easier way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:from the OP, the man has been in OP's life since before the adoption, so he is the father in the girl's mind.

Go for it, OP...although I get a PP's point of view that it feels like it's for financial, not love reasons, I disagree because the love etc. is already there, the financial just needs to be nailed down so as to nail down...the security. Everyone tends to have a better life and make better decisions and "move towards self-actualization" when the issue of security is taken care of.

+1. He is in it for the long run or he wouldn't be talking about making your daughter his beneficiary.

[Anonymous]

I think the essential question is, does your daughter think of him as a father?
Your child is 10 years old, that is old enough to ask her her opinion and whether she wants to be adopted.