3 kids - ages? And activities? Balancing it all.

[Anonymous]

Now that my oldest is nearly 13, his sports schedule and school work are really ramping up and I want to be able to manage time better. Sometimes it feels like most of my time is spent on my oldest because his schoolwork, etc. is the most demanding. I want to make sure I'm spending enough time with/for my other 2 DC, who are 9 and 5.5. If you have 3 kids, what are their ages and how do you balance their schedules, activities, and basically just meet everyone's needs?

[Anonymous]

I don't help my children with their homework, but my oldest is 12 so perhaps he doesn't have much yet.

Kids (12, 10 and 6) do one activity each, no travel teams. However, even though my son does recreational baseball, it's killing our schedule!

[Anonymous]

I've never helped my kids with their homework.

Mine are 16, 14, and 11. They play multiple sports. We carpool a LOT and I drive them to tons of practices/games every week. Our schedule is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it's the only life we know.

[Anonymous]

I have four, but rarely helped with homework except quizzing for spelling tests or something like that.

Making friends with other moms whose kids do the same activities is key - carpooling is your friend.

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand what you're doing with his schoolwork. Can you elaborate?

Carpooling helps. Different kids have different needs at different points in their lives. When the younger ones were newborns, you focused more on them. Now the oldest has a demanding schedule, so it's his turn for a while. (Carpooling helps.) The others will have their own demanding schedules eventually, and you'll have to spend more time on them.

Rarely is the amount of time spent with each child equal from week to week. At least in my experience.

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry, should have elaborated about my oldest. He has ADHD, so I have to really stay on top of him about school work, and as he's gotten older and the school demands have gotten greater, I find myself putting in more time and effort helping him keep things straight. I do try to make sure I'm not doing too much for him. He's a smart kid, but organization is an ongoing problem.

Thanks for the feedback, and thanks to the PP who reminded me that this will shift around as the kids hit different ages. I guess I've been feeling a little mom guilt lately - seems like I don't have time to do it all as well as I would like.

[Anonymous]

OP you can outsource this - and hire and ADHD coach for your child (someone to come in and help organize, help teach your oldest systems that hopefully will fit and he can take to college.

[Anonymous]

Drop something in the sports schedule for the oldest with ADHD right now and give him more time to learn how to manage his time himself.

People with ADHD almost always will underestimate the time something takes to do. What will be a tremendous help to him as he gets older is to learn good time management skills and the way to say "no" to requests and activities.

[Anonymous]

You're stretched too thin. Figure out what's most important, and cut some of the rest. Your other kids don't deserve to be ignored because your oldest needs so much hand holding to get his work done.

[Anonymous]

OP - I would not be so strident in what you should do or not do as you know your son best, but perhaps take e a step back this summer and see how much might be organizational and how much is difficulty in a subject area. Perhaps a tutor could handle both issues to free up more time for other two kids. Also if there is a DH in the picture, then maybe Dad could take on a role of sorts with kids. At high school level you may also have to consider whether DS at some point might need medication as a support if he ummeris not on something already. He should have expectations at home for chores, behavior etc. as his siblings do. Summer is here so you will have a natural time to spend more time with all your children and to reassess best approach to DS. In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop something in the sports schedule for the oldest with ADHD right now and give him more time to learn how to manage his time himself.

People with ADHD almost always will underestimate the time something takes to do. What will be a tremendous help to him as he gets older is to learn good time management skills and the way to say "no" to requests and activities.

I agree with this. My son gets really stressed out when his schedule gets unmanageable, that's why we limit him to one sport per season.

[Anonymous]

Does your DS have an IEP? My oldest (ADHD/LD/anxiety) has a goal in his IEP related to homeowrk - identifying strategies for completing it and turning it on time X% over Y period. He also took a class in MS that explicitly taught organization and study skills (he had to take it twice because he backslid after the first class). I understand the challenge/desire, but he really needs to learn to do his homework independently and it's best he learn the painful lessons while in middle school. I'm not saying to just cut him loose but work with the school to help him learn study/organization skills.

As far as managing activities, etc. I've got 3 kids, 2 in HS and 1 in MS. I gave up trying to go to every game/practice and car pooled. There are a bunch of parents out there just like me who are juggling and I've never had problems getting/giving a ride when needed. The kid also understand, and are okay with, us (me and DH) when we're not able to see them play. You can't do it all.

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry, should have elaborated about my oldest. He has ADHD, so I have to really stay on top of him about school work, and as he's gotten older and the school demands have gotten greater, I find myself putting in more time and effort helping him keep things straight. I do try to make sure I'm not doing too much for him. He's a smart kid, but organization is an ongoing problem.

OP, my middle child has severe ADHD. I have taken a completely different tactic than you. I worked and continue to work with him on the skills he needs to meet the greater demands rather than on helping him meet the demands. My son needs to learn to be independent and not rely on me or his teachers to make him successful. We have checklists. I reorganized our house (got rid of the kitchen eating area and made it a place where we keep homework, shoes and other things that need to be organized). On our backdoor, we have a big sign that reminds him to do certain things before he leaves the house. He sets alarms on his phone. He manages his own schoolwork load - my involvement is that his teachers will call me if an assignment is not turned in on the day it is due and then I remind him to complete it before his extra time as provided for in his 504 plan expires.

Two of my kids are in a sport that requires 15-20 hours a week of practice. They get home around 8:30 pm. I bring food in the car when I pick them up, which means we rarely do dinners together - so we try to plan at least one family activity each week that we all enjoy so we can spend time together. Also, we get together before bed and read.

Early in each school year, I work with them to make a daily plan of how they will fit everything in - what sorts of things they want for snacks, when they are going to do homework, how they will complete big projects, what school activities might interfere with their practice schedules, etc. If need be, they write it down. Within a few weeks, we don't need to talk anymore, unless there is a big school project or there is a schedule change. I do find that I keep extra supplies around my house for big projects (poster boards, those tri-fold boards come to mind) because even though they are required to give me advance notice to purchase these things, my kids aren't perfect and I hate running around looking for an all night office supply store.

[Anonymous]

OP, you must realize that a child with any kind of special needs is going to impact your family lifestyle in ways another child won't. This means you can't compare your family life to others who don't have your challenges.

So you have to find ways to manage:
1. Tweak his medication if possible.
2. Enroll him in less extra-curriculars.
3. Enroll the other kids in less activities.
4. Try to plan each year (or semester) so that at least two of them are at the same place at the same time so you can simplify the running-around and time suck.

I have a 10 year old with severe ADHD, who thankfully responds well to medication. He went from daydreaming all the time and never getting anything done to being super responsible and independent for his homework/chores. Please realize that having to help with homework at 13 is a HUGE RED FLAG. Your child will have great difficulty managing high school multitasking and going off to college if he can't make progress in his organizational skills and executive function.

[Anonymous]

6 kids, next year will be K up to 10th. Homework help ranges from asking if there's anything they want to go over with me (8th/10th) and if they'll be studying for tests to active help for the three youngest, or at least supervision so that they don't distract each other. Activities include sports, job, and other things, so homework is done orally when possible, and writing is done while not walking/in a moving car.