Mother Sending Photos of "perfect" family

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling in numerous ways...

My mom constantly sending me photos, videos, etc. of my siblings' "perfect" life (those are her words and perception, not mine). "Looks at Larla and Johnny, they are going on another honeymoon vacation for their 7th wedding anniversary. They have so much joy in their life."

Look at your niece Jane, isn't is such a calm, well balanced child. She only goes to preschool 4 hours per day. "Your brother in law's sister, you know the one who is a child psychologist, says that daycare more than 4 hours per day is a traumatic experience for young children."

I mostly ignore these messages (text, emails, etc) but it's getting on my nerves because they are directly sent to me and with constant digs, and they are sent on a DAILY basis.

When I make it clear, it's annoying, "oh I'm sorry, you have so much anger in your life these days." I ignore them, "I guess, you are going through so much that you are numb and can't be happy for your siblings."

[Anonymous]

Why are you so sensitive? Start bragging about how great your family/life is, be happy for them and call it a draw.

[Anonymous]

Learn to ignore. My mom does the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn to ignore. My mom does the same thing.

When she sends you the emails, photos, etc, do you completely ignore them or send back some superficial response? Serious question. trying to learn some effective tips.

[Anonymous]

Please ignore pp 13:57.

Clearly what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

The thing is she won't change and confronting her as you already know won't get her to change. You have to understand she is a sick person.

Distance yourself from her.

Only respond to her emails once a week with a general.

" Glad they are doing well."

Make no further comments.

Be proud of your life.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is passive aggressive and provocative.

Ignore such emails and photo captions. And when I say ignore, I mean do not acknowledge in any way whatsoever. She is desperate to gets rise out of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is passive aggressive and provocative.

Ignore such emails and photo captions. And when I say ignore, I mean do not acknowledge in any way whatsoever. She is desperate to gets rise out of you.

Yep, ignore. I have family members who do this too. She probably won't "let" you ignore all of them though.
My Mom wanted me to do things she could brag to family members about so she would look better; it was messed up, and I didn't figure it out until I started making choices she did not agree with in my 20s. In her view, everyone else's life and/or daughter was better.

If you want, you can send replies, consisting of "that's so great for Larla" or "glad they had a great time!" and scrubbed, "perfect-life" pictures and stories to your Mom in return. Don't call her out, don't tell her any problems you may have or count on her for any advice; if she sees anger, she will attack you for that too. Sadly, I know from experience.

If you are currently telling her about life as it really is, with any challenges with you or your children or your husband/partner etc..., stop doing that and just send her (or talk to her about) a the perfect fantasy-land version of your life, when you do talk to her. Minimize contact as much as possible. When attacking you, she will have less ammunition. If she sends you daily messages, condition her to receive one weekly message or phone cal (or whatever time frame works for you.) Say, "oh mom, I'm so busy with "insert perfect scrubbed life example here" that I "just got around to writing, thanks for all the updates Mom."

This approach may or may not work, but it's something to try. Worked for me for many years and until my Mom's behaviour escalated. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore pp 13:57.

Clearly what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

The thing is she won't change and confronting her as you already know won't get her to change. You have to understand she is a sick person.

Distance yourself from her.

Only respond to her emails once a week with a general.

" Glad they are doing well."

Make no further comments.

Fabulous advice. She's pushing your buttons, OP. Don't let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please ignore pp 13:57.

Clearly what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

The thing is she won't change and confronting her as you already know won't get her to change. You have to understand she is a sick person.

Distance yourself from her.

Only respond to her emails once a week with a general.

" Glad they are doing well."

Make no further comments.

Be proud of your life.

Of course this. Comparison is the enemy of joy, and your mom is a nasty provocateur. Yuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is passive aggressive and provocative.

Ignore such emails and photo captions. And when I say ignore, I mean do not acknowledge in any way whatsoever. She is desperate to gets rise out of you.

Yep, ignore. I have family members who do this too. She probably won't "let" you ignore all of them though.
My Mom wanted me to do things she could brag to family members about so she would look better; it was messed up, and I didn't figure it out until I started making choices she did not agree with in my 20s. In her view, everyone else's life and/or daughter was better.

If you want, you can send replies, consisting of "that's so great for Larla" or "glad they had a great time!" and scrubbed, "perfect-life" pictures and stories to your Mom in return. Don't call her out, don't tell her any problems you may have or count on her for any advice; if she sees anger, she will attack you for that too. Sadly, I know from experience.

If you are currently telling her about life as it really is, with any challenges with you or your children or your husband/parme tner etc..., stop doing that and just send her (or talk to her about) a the perfect fantasy-land version of your life, when you do talk to her. Minimize contact as much as possible. When attacking you, she will have less ammunition. If she sends you daily messages, condition her to receive one weekly message or phone cal (or whatever time frame works for you.) Say, "oh mom, I'm so busy with "insert perfect scrubbed life example here" that I "just got around to writing, thanks for all the updates Mom."

This approach may or may not work, but it's something to try. Worked for me for many years and until my Mom's behaviour escalated. Good luck.

How did your mother's behavior escalate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling in numerous ways...

My mom constantly sending me photos, videos, etc. of my siblings' "perfect" life (those are her words and perception, not mine). "Looks at Larla and Johnny, they are going on another honeymoon vacation for their 7th wedding anniversary. They have so much joy in their life."

Look at your niece Jane, isn't is such a calm, well balanced child. She only goes to preschool 4 hours per day. "Your brother in law's sister, you know the one who is a child psychologist, says that daycare more than 4 hours per day is a traumatic experience for young children."

I mostly ignore these messages (text, emails, etc) but it's getting on my nerves because they are directly sent to me and with constant digs, and they are sent on a DAILY basis.

When I make it clear, it's annoying, "oh I'm sorry, you have so much anger in your life these days." I ignore them, "I guess, you are going through so much that you are numb and can't be happy for your siblings."

As some PPs said, create some canned responses.

"I'm glad Jane is doing so well."

"Yes, it's awesome they are going on their second honeymoon/family vacation/whatever."

"Oh, their family photo looks so wonderful!"

Match her bullshit with more bullshit. For whatever reason, she wants to make you miserable (does she disagree with your choices?). Don't fall for it. Be sugary, saccharine sweet with your overwhelmingly positive responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling in numerous ways...

My mom constantly sending me photos, videos, etc. of my siblings' "perfect" life (those are her words and perception, not mine). "Looks at Larla and Johnny, they are going on another honeymoon vacation for their 7th wedding anniversary. They have so much joy in their life."

Look at your niece Jane, isn't is such a calm, well balanced child. She only goes to preschool 4 hours per day. "Your brother in law's sister, you know the one who is a child psychologist, says that daycare more than 4 hours per day is a traumatic experience for young children."

I mostly ignore these messages (text, emails, etc) but it's getting on my nerves because they are directly sent to me and with constant digs, and they are sent on a DAILY basis.

When I make it clear, it's annoying, "oh I'm sorry, you have so much anger in your life these days." I ignore them, "I guess, you are going through so much that you are numb and can't be happy for your siblings."

As some PPs said, create some canned responses.

"I'm glad Jane is doing so well."

"Yes, it's awesome they are going on their second honeymoon/family vacation/whatever."

"Oh, their family photo looks so wonderful!"

Match her bullshit with more bullshit. For whatever reason, she wants to make you miserable (does she disagree with your choices?). Don't fall for it. Be sugary, saccharine sweet with your overwhelmingly positive responses.

PS - if you are telling her anything about your life, you need to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is passive aggressive and provocative.

Ignore such emails and photo captions. And when I say ignore, I mean do not acknowledge in any way whatsoever. She is desperate to gets rise out of you.

Yep, ignore. I have family members who do this too. She probably won't "let" you ignore all of them though.
My Mom wanted me to do things she could brag to family members about so she would look better; it was messed up, and I didn't figure it out until I started making choices she did not agree with in my 20s. In her view, everyone else's life and/or daughter was better.

If you want, you can send replies, consisting of "that's so great for Larla" or "glad they had a great time!" and scrubbed, "perfect-life" pictures and stories to your Mom in return. Don't call her out, don't tell her any problems you may have or count on her for any advice; if she sees anger, she will attack you for that too. Sadly, I know from experience.

If you are currently telling her about life as it really is, with any challenges with you or your children or your husband/parme tner etc..., stop doing that and just send her (or talk to her about) a the perfect fantasy-land version of your life, when you do talk to her. Minimize contact as much as possible. When attacking you, she will have less ammunition. If she sends you daily messages, condition her to receive one weekly message or phone cal (or whatever time frame works for you.) Say, "oh mom, I'm so busy with "insert perfect scrubbed life example here" that I "just got around to writing, thanks for all the updates Mom."

This approach may or may not work, but it's something to try. Worked for me for many years and until my Mom's behaviour escalated. Good luck.

How did your mother's behavior escalate?

She also had problems with anxiety (as does my whole family) and as she became very elderly the stress of health problems and living on her own just made her anxiety and lashing out so much worse. Basically a lifetime of anger at people who would not or could not do things her way came out when, due to health conditions, she could not live the way she had any longer. For example she started making random unflattering comments: I took her to shop for clothes and a salesperson who had helped her regularly waited on us--when she was still in earshot Mom said "she looks awful, like she has cancer or something." Sigh, the really nice lady heard her. For me, she really fixation on my appearance; if I would not let her complain incessantly (and unfairly) about other family members, she would attack my weight or any wrinkles I have. At some points, anything I did was "awful" and not enough.

Just take the behavior of your mother and double it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is passive aggressive and provocative.

Ignore such emails and photo captions. And when I say ignore, I mean do not acknowledge in any way whatsoever. She is desperate to gets rise out of you.

Yep, ignore. I have family members who do this too. She probably won't "let" you ignore all of them though.
My Mom wanted me to do things she could brag to family members about so she would look better; it was messed up, and I didn't figure it out until I started making choices she did not agree with in my 20s. In her view, everyone else's life and/or daughter was better.

If you want, you can send replies, consisting of "that's so great for Larla" or "glad they had a great time!" and scrubbed, "perfect-life" pictures and stories to your Mom in return. Don't call her out, don't tell her any problems you may have or count on her for any advice; if she sees anger, she will attack you for that too. Sadly, I know from experience.

If you are currently telling her about life as it really is, with any challenges with you or your children or your husband/parme tner etc..., stop doing that and just send her (or talk to her about) a the perfect fantasy-land version of your life, when you do talk to her. Minimize contact as much as possible. When attacking you, she will have less ammunition. If she sends you daily messages, condition her to receive one weekly message or phone cal (or whatever time frame works for you.) Say, "oh mom, I'm so busy with "insert perfect scrubbed life example here" that I "just got around to writing, thanks for all the updates Mom."

This approach may or may not work, but it's something to try. Worked for me for many years and until my Mom's behaviour escalated. Good luck.

How did your mother's behavior escalate?

She also had problems with anxiety (as does my whole family) and as she became very elderly the stress of health problems and living on her own just made her anxiety and lashing out so much worse. Basically a lifetime of anger at people who would not or could not do things her way came out when, due to health conditions, she could not live the way she had any longer. For example she started making random unflattering comments: I took her to shop for clothes and a salesperson who had helped her regularly waited on us--when she was still in earshot Mom said "she looks awful, like she has cancer or something." Sigh, the really nice lady heard her. For me, she really fixation on my appearance; if I would not let her complain incessantly (and unfairly) about other family members, she would attack my weight or any wrinkles I have. At some points, anything I did was "awful" and not enough.

Just take the behavior of your mother and double it.

NP here. I sympathize.
My mother has this weird behavior where she can be super sweet about life's minor mishaps but becomes completely antagonistic and accusatory each time we have gone through traumatic life events. It probably stems from untreated anxiety, as if she can't handle our troubles and just lashes out at us for being in trouble (through no fault of our own).
We learned the hard way not to rely on her during difficult times.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't ignore, I would respond as joyfully as possible: "Wow, what a nice vacation! So glad they could get away to celebrate a big milestone." "Niece Jane is adorable, isn't she? What a happy child she seems to be."

Here's the message doing this sends: You might measure yourself and me against others, Mom, but I don't. The joys and successes of others are opportunities for me to celebrate, not reasons for me to feel bad about myself or my family.

Obvious jibes (like "daycare is bad") should be ignored, or at most the response should be, "Thanks for the information."

Keep her at arm's length. She is not someone you should confide it, or look to for succor. She is not a person who can provide that for you or possibly for anyone. She is too insecure and unhappy. Don't give her ammunition.