Mother Sending Photos of "perfect" family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling in numerous ways...

My mom constantly sending me photos, videos, etc. of my siblings' "perfect" life (those are her words and perception, not mine). "Looks at Larla and Johnny, they are going on another honeymoon vacation for their 7th wedding anniversary. They have so much joy in their life."

Look at your niece Jane, isn't is such a calm, well balanced child. She only goes to preschool 4 hours per day. "Your brother in law's sister, you know the one who is a child psychologist, says that daycare more than 4 hours per day is a traumatic experience for young children."

I mostly ignore these messages (text, emails, etc) but it's getting on my nerves because they are directly sent to me and with constant digs, and they are sent on a DAILY basis.

When I make it clear, it's annoying, "oh I'm sorry, you have so much anger in your life these days." I ignore them, "I guess, you are going through so much that you are numb and can't be happy for your siblings."

As some PPs said, create some canned responses.

"I'm glad Jane is doing so well."

"Yes, it's awesome they are going on their second honeymoon/family vacation/whatever."

"Oh, their family photo looks so wonderful!"

Match her bullshit with more bullshit. For whatever reason, she wants to make you miserable (does she disagree with your choices?). Don't fall for it. Be sugary, saccharine sweet with your overwhelmingly positive responses.

This. Make a google doc with a few & just cut, paste, go on with your day. It will make your mom crazy & make you the noble one

[Anonymous]

Block her, she doesn't sound like she adds anything to your life. Your perfect siblings can take care of her.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to read those emails. Just don't open them if you find them upsetting.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ have a time set aside each week, like 15minutes to look at whatever your Mom has sent that week. Wait till then. If the first message you look is bothersome to you, then stop and delete the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to read those emails. Just don't open them if you find them upsetting.

This.

[Anonymous]

You should photoshop yourself into all sorts of "perfect" situations to send to her. On the red carpet at the Oscars, sitting next to Michelle Obama (or a Trump if that's how she leans) at a fancy dinner, getting an Olympic medal this summer...

[Anonymous]

I'd just warble "ooooops I have to go-i'm making PUDDING!!!" every time she gets boring/annoying on the phone.

If she finally asks what's up with all the pudding act perplexed and ask her why she doesn't like pudding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just warble "ooooops I have to go-i'm making PUDDING!!!" every time she gets boring/annoying on the phone.

If she finally asks what's up with all the pudding act perplexed and ask her why she doesn't like pudding.

You are awesome! What a great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just warble "ooooops I have to go-i'm making PUDDING!!!" every time she gets boring/annoying on the phone.

If she finally asks what's up with all the pudding act perplexed and ask her why she doesn't like pudding.

OP, just reply "Awesone!!!" every single time. With three exclamation points.

[Anonymous]

I would block her ass. My MIL has been annoying me every day with emails about something really devastating that I'm going through. People can be insensitive jackasses (and possibly not even realize it) so you have to protect your own mental sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would block her ass. My MIL has been annoying me every day with emails about something really devastating that I'm going through. People can be insensitive jackasses (and possibly not even realize it) so you have to protect your own mental sanity.

Can you say more? Annoying as in needling you or gloating, or as in too much inquiry and not enough space?
Sorry for whatever you're going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is passive aggressive and provocative.

Ignore such emails and photo captions. And when I say ignore, I mean do not acknowledge in any way whatsoever. She is desperate to gets rise out of you.

Yep, ignore. I have family members who do this too. She probably won't "let" you ignore all of them though.
My Mom wanted me to do things she could brag to family members about so she would look better; it was messed up, and I didn't figure it out until I started making choices she did not agree with in my 20s. In her view, everyone else's life and/or daughter was better.

If you want, you can send replies, consisting of "that's so great for Larla" or "glad they had a great time!" and scrubbed, "perfect-life" pictures and stories to your Mom in return. Don't call her out, don't tell her any problems you may have or count on her for any advice; if she sees anger, she will attack you for that too. Sadly, I know from experience.

If you are currently telling her about life as it really is, with any challenges with you or your children or your husband/parme tner etc..., stop doing that and just send her (or talk to her about) a the perfect fantasy-land version of your life, when you do talk to her. Minimize contact as much as possible. When attacking you, she will have less ammunition. If she sends you daily messages, condition her to receive one weekly message or phone cal (or whatever time frame works for you.) Say, "oh mom, I'm so busy with "insert perfect scrubbed life example here" that I "just got around to writing, thanks for all the updates Mom."

This approach may or may not work, but it's something to try. Worked for me for many years and until my Mom's behaviour escalated. Good luck.

How did your mother's behavior escalate?

She also had problems with anxiety (as does my whole family) and as she became very elderly the stress of health problems and living on her own just made her anxiety and lashing out so much worse. Basically a lifetime of anger at people who would not or could not do things her way came out when, due to health conditions, she could not live the way she had any longer. For example she started making random unflattering comments: I took her to shop for clothes and a salesperson who had helped her regularly waited on us--when she was still in earshot Mom said "she looks awful, like she has cancer or something." Sigh, the really nice lady heard her. For me, she really fixation on my appearance; if I would not let her complain incessantly (and unfairly) about other family members, she would attack my weight or any wrinkles I have. At some points, anything I did was "awful" and not enough.

Just take the behavior of your mother and double it.

NP here. I sympathize.
My mother has this weird behavior where she can be super sweet about life's minor mishaps but becomes completely antagonistic and accusatory each time we have gone through traumatic life events. It probably stems from untreated anxiety, as if she can't handle our troubles and just lashes out at us for being in trouble (through no fault of our own).
We learned the hard way not to rely on her during difficult times.

PP here, thanks NP. We learned this the hard way as well. Sme exact way--very sweet about minor things, horrible about major problems we were going through. She really did not seem to think anyone should have major problems ever--especially ones with solutions that weren't to her liking

Don't know if OP is going through a more trying time than her sibling at present, or if she is less into boosterism that many others in her family, or if her Mom just has a problem with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm struggling in numerous ways...

My mom constantly sending me photos, videos, etc. of my siblings' "perfect" life (those are her words and perception, not mine). "Looks at Larla and Johnny, they are going on another honeymoon vacation for their 7th wedding anniversary. They have so much joy in their life."

Look at your niece Jane, isn't is such a calm, well balanced child. She only goes to preschool 4 hours per day. "Your brother in law's sister, you know the one who is a child psychologist, says that daycare more than 4 hours per day is a traumatic experience for young children."

I mostly ignore these messages (text, emails, etc) but it's getting on my nerves because they are directly sent to me and with constant digs, and they are sent on a DAILY basis.

When I make it clear, it's annoying, "oh I'm sorry, you have so much anger in your life these days." I ignore them, "I guess, you are going through so much that you are numb and can't be happy for your siblings."

As some PPs said, create some canned responses.

"I'm glad Jane is doing so well."

"Yes, it's awesome they are going on their second honeymoon/family vacation/whatever."

"Oh, their family photo looks so wonderful!"

Match her bullshit with more bullshit. For whatever reason, she wants to make you miserable (does she disagree with your choices?). Don't fall for it. Be sugary, saccharine sweet with your overwhelmingly positive responses.

This. Make a google doc with a few & just cut, paste, go on with your day. It will make your mom crazy & make you the noble one

Agree! I'd also not respond every single time. Respond randomly, but at least once per week.

Also agree to stop all sharing with your mom - except for the oh so wonderful things that happen.

I have a SIL and people in my own family who can spin ANYTHING. A friend of one family member was fired from his teaching job for inappropriate conduct with a student, and it was a BLESSING (who knew?) because he was able to move on to a career that was really meaningful for him and his true calling in life.

OP, if you want help spinning your life, let us know. And your mom sucks. (Mine does too.)

[Anonymous]

I wonder what she is saying to your brother's family? Do you think she is saying nice things about you? I agree with all the other pps that your mom sounds very difficult and childish. No family is perfect no matter how they look on the outside. I would echo everyone and don't let her get a rise out of you. Say I'm happy for them or glad things are going well.

Again I'm sorry that your Mom can't support your choices and your family.

[Anonymous]

Step one: Stop reading her emails etc every day. Save them up for once a week, because you don't need that negativity. Canned response to whatever she raves about is some form of "great to hear everything's going well for everyone. awesome." And if she doesn't like that you answer less often, you're busy with your awesome life.

Step two: Stop telling her anything about what's going on in your and your family's life. Canned answer is that everything is great. You don't want to give her ammo.

She probably needs people close to her to be perfect. It fills a need in her and makes her feel in control. She also probably needs to pit people against each other, so that they don't connect as well and she gets to be the main person. She accomplishes this by needling you about the perfection of your relatives, because on some level you will start to resent things about them.

The key is to build a strong boundary around this stuff, so that you can be happy for your siblings and content with your own life.