Husband never gives me gifts

[Anonymous]

We have been married 16 years and he has never given me more than a bag of chocolates or flowers, and we're talking like 5 instances, EVER! We have a good marriage, great sex life and really love each other so why can't he do this for me? We have four children and not a lot of money, but I've told him repeatedly that I would be happy with a small thoughtful gift or even a card with a special written message. It hurts when he doesn't think of me. I hate to feel materialistic but it's not about that at all. Help!

[Anonymous]

How were gifts treated during his childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How were gifts treated during his childhood?

OP here. He never got much. He was poor. He obviously places little value on gift-giving, but shouldn't it be enough that it's important to me? It's not stuff I want, it's the sentiment. He's also a man of few words so I really don't get any verbal adoration either. I believe actions speak louder than words, and his actions say he's a loyal, loving husband and father, but the gift thing still hurts me. Am I being shallow?

[Anonymous]

He doesn't give you gifts for your birthday or Christmas? I think he could at least do that.

[Anonymous]

It's obviously not his forte. Just buy yourself something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't give you gifts for your birthday or Christmas? I think he could at least do that.

No, he does not.

[Anonymous]

Buy yourself flowers, candy, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't give you gifts for your birthday or Christmas? I think he could at least do that.

No, he does not.

Do you buy him gifts, and he does not reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't give you gifts for your birthday or Christmas? I think he could at least do that.

No, he does not.

Do you buy him gifts, and he does not reciprocate?

I used to, but I stopped. It just made me feel even more uncomfortable when I would get him a gift and he wouldn't get me one. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Maybe someday he'll get it. Until then, shop for yourself.

Allow him to love you the way he knows how. He seems to be doing his best, no?

Maybe the gifting is still too painful for him to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How were gifts treated during his childhood?

OP here. He never got much. He was poor. He obviously places little value on gift-giving, but shouldn't it be enough that it's important to me? It's not stuff I want, it's the sentiment. He's also a man of few words so I really don't get any verbal adoration either. I believe actions speak louder than words, and his actions say he's a loyal, loving husband and father, but the gift thing still hurts me. Am I being shallow?

So, when do you mention it to him? Between events, months before a holiday? For someone who grew up poor, who does not place value in gift-giving and who is unaccustomed to being comfortable enough to be able to splurge for gifts, it's just not on his radar. If you want to get him into the habit, for the next event (birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc), remind him about 2 weeks before the event that receiving gifts from him is important and that he has a couple weeks left to pick out a gift that will help you feel valued as his partner. You need to put it on his radar when the event is at hand. After you've done this a handful of times (no really!), then you can start backing off and maybe reminding him a little farther (maybe a month?) out. After another few times, try to remind him less and less and further apart. But until he gets into the habit of actually thinking of, selecting and purchasing gifts, it will not be on his radar, it will not be an important event for him and it will not happen.

Think of it as teaching him how to give gifts.

[Anonymous]

A bag of chocolate's? I've never seen chocolates come in a bag, is this like a grocery bag full of Hersey bars or something?

[Anonymous]

Just another example of women refusing to be happy

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's not his love language. My DH is not great at it either unless I pout out exactly what I want and when. And id love a card with an actual written sentiment instead of just signing his name to the ore printed message. But guess what, his parents are lovely but give pretty bad presents and I have never seen them give him or me a card with more than their name signed in it. Just not sown thing that's done in their family so he had no way to learn. My parents are great and over zealous gift givers and write paragraphs in cards so I just had to get used to the difference and that that's not normal either.
Keep a running Amazon wish list, point him to it, say you'd like something from the list at every holiday/bday. Ask him to keep a list too. Appreciate the ways he expresses his love for you in other ways as well.

[Anonymous]

I dont think DH has ever really given me much in the way of gifts once we were married (he did while dating), though he will get flowers or choclate for bday--he also knows those are safe, I think he has no idea what to get me otherwise. . But he does do other thoughtful things for me. and I do buy him gifts, albeit not terribly often (if I travel, if he needs shirts, whatever). I also manage all the money, so if there is something I want and we can afford it, then I will get it. I dont think it had to do with childhood or anything other than the fact that he is not good at forward planning and has more or less abdicated all the household management to me combined with the fact that i dont care that much--but obviously you do, and you have tried. I think you just need to make peace with it. If you know he loves you and treats you well, is loyal and thoughtful in other ways, that's a gift that is priceless.