How to react - 5 year olds acting inappropriately

[Anonymous]

My son had a play date with a classmate from school and the short version was that i went upstairs when I noticed it was too quiet. I found the kids in the closet in the other boy had taken off all of his clothes. I calmly told him to get his clothes on and that they were not allowed to be upstairs alone and shortly thereafter his mom came to pick him up.

When the kids left I discussed this with my son, asked him what exactly had happened and he said the other boy wanted him to touch his privates. We had a pretty straightforward discussion at that point about how that was inappropriate and how it made my son feel uncomfortable and if it ever happens again he should say that. I honestly don't think it was a particularly big deal to my son – I think he realizes that he can't do that again and should seek adult help if it happens again. He didn't really seem too concerned about it one where the other.

I'm wondering though if I need to discuss this with the other kids parents? And also whether I should raise this with the teacher, since this is a classmate from school. This isn't someone we have repeated play dates with So I'm not really worried about this happening again, but I'm friendly with the mom and they will likely be in the same school for some time going forward.

I can't decide whether I am overreacting under reacting or what!

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did that at the same age. Never did it again.

It's within the range of normal. You tell both children to not do this anymore. You tell the mother what happened, so that she can reinforce that message.

End of story. It's not shameful or indicative of a larger issue, just not something to do again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son had a play date with a classmate from school and the short version was that i went upstairs when I noticed it was too quiet. I found the kids in the closet in the other boy had taken off all of his clothes. I calmly told him to get his clothes on and that they were not allowed to be upstairs alone and shortly thereafter his mom came to pick him up.

When the kids left I discussed this with my son, asked him what exactly had happened and he said the other boy wanted him to touch his privates. We had a pretty straightforward discussion at that point about how that was inappropriate and how it made my son feel uncomfortable and if it ever happens again he should say that. I honestly don't think it was a particularly big deal to my son – I think he realizes that he can't do that again and should seek adult help if it happens again. He didn't really seem too concerned about it one where the other.

I'm wondering though if I need to discuss this with the other kids parents? And also whether I should raise this with the teacher, since this is a classmate from school. This isn't someone we have repeated play dates with So I'm not really worried about this happening again, but I'm friendly with the mom and they will likely be in the same school for some time going forward.

I can't decide whether I am overreacting under reacting or what!

I would tell both the teacher and the parents.

[Anonymous]

Just curious what you think the teacher should do about it? It didn't happen at school. Do you involve your child's teacher in everything that happens at home during playdates?

[Anonymous]

This basically happened to me as a young kid. I knew it wasn't right and felt bad for a long time. I now feel neutral about it, just remembering how little both us kids were. And how actually it set me up for understanding what to do if it happened again.

And I kind if realized I felt a little bad, but felt bad that I didn't feel bad. Or something.

Glad it was caught. Watch this classmate like a hawk thing...and that house. Someone (older sibling) showed him what's up......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son had a play date with a classmate from school and the short version was that i went upstairs when I noticed it was too quiet. I found the kids in the closet in the other boy had taken off all of his clothes. I calmly told him to get his clothes on and that they were not allowed to be upstairs alone and shortly thereafter his mom came to pick him up.

When the kids left I discussed this with my son, asked him what exactly had happened and he said the other boy wanted him to touch his privates. We had a pretty straightforward discussion at that point about how that was inappropriate and how it made my son feel uncomfortable and if it ever happens again he should say that. I honestly don't think it was a particularly big deal to my son – I think he realizes that he can't do that again and should seek adult help if it happens again. He didn't really seem too concerned about it one where the other.

I'm wondering though if I need to discuss this with the other kids parents? And also whether I should raise this with the teacher, since this is a classmate from school. This isn't someone we have repeated play dates with So I'm not really worried about this happening again, but I'm friendly with the mom and they will likely be in the same school for some time going forward.

I can't decide whether I am overreacting under reacting or what!

I would tell both the teacher and the parents.

Unles you think there is a problem at home why would you tell the teacher?
This is a family issue and the parent should be allowed to address it.

That said if you think there is some sort of abuse at home and you need to get an "authority" figure involved I would start with the school counselor.
Not the teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious what you think the teacher should do about it? It didn't happen at school. Do you involve your child's teacher in everything that happens at home during playdates?

OP here - I'm not sure I'd ask the teacher to do anything about it, but I think it's with giving a heads up in case this has come up with others in the class or comes up in the future. The teachers also are good at telling me how to address this type of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious what you think the teacher should do about it? It didn't happen at school. Do you involve your child's teacher in everything that happens at home during playdates?

The teacher needs to keep a close eye on the troubled child. You ought to know that. But you're one of the parents who think this is fine.

[Anonymous]

This could totally be a kid with boundary issues exploring in a way that is inappropriate but not a sign of anything more. It could also be a victim of sexual abuse acting out. I would tell parents and teache because those are the people who have more info and if this is a cry for help they need to have this piece of the puzzle.

[Anonymous]

Why is the child troubled? This happens routinely among kids, Kids showing each other their parts, etc

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at the reactions here. I remember playing doctor and showing privates when I was very, very young. This is normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at the reactions here. I remember playing doctor and showing privates when I was very, very young. This is normal behavior.

OP here and free it's normal - that said, do you raise it with the other parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at the reactions here. I remember playing doctor and showing privates when I was very, very young. This is normal behavior.

OP here and free it's normal - that said, do you raise it with the other parents?

I think it is normal behavior and that you handled very well. I would have probably told the other parent when she picked up the child (out of the kids' earshot), if anything to avoid that she gets it from her child in his "personalized" version. I would live the teacher out of it. Maybe I would ask the school counselor how to help your child enforce boundaries with his friends.

[Anonymous]

When I (female) was about 5, I was caught comparing privates with my cousin (boy), he was 4, by our moms.
They definitely made us feel ashamed. It did not stop my curiosity though, it only stopped me trusting and confiding in my mom in the future.

OP, I do not mean that you are that type of mom, I just mean to highlight how much these things stick with kids, and what impact they can have.

I have a boy, 6 yo, who often plays with the girl next door, also 6. I know they often kiss on the cheek when playing, and I know that it stops there (yes, I do listen and check on them). When they are at her house, the girls mom keeps telling them that they should not kiss. I think this is counterproductive and they are not doing any harm any way.
Like they are playing they are a family and they kiss goodbye etc.
That mom is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son had a play date with a classmate from school and the short version was that i went upstairs when I noticed it was too quiet. I found the kids in the closet in the other boy had taken off all of his clothes. I calmly told him to get his clothes on and that they were not allowed to be upstairs alone and shortly thereafter his mom came to pick him up.

When the kids left I discussed this with my son, asked him what exactly had happened and he said the other boy wanted him to touch his privates. We had a pretty straightforward discussion at that point about how that was inappropriate and how it made my son feel uncomfortable and if it ever happens again he should say that. I honestly don't think it was a particularly big deal to my son – I think he realizes that he can't do that again and should seek adult help if it happens again. He didn't really seem too concerned about it one where the other.

I'm wondering though if I need to discuss this with the other kids parents? And also whether I should raise this with the teacher, since this is a classmate from school. This isn't someone we have repeated play dates with So I'm not really worried about this happening again, but I'm friendly with the mom and they will likely be in the same school for some time going forward.

I can't decide whether I am overreacting under reacting or what!

I think it is slightly alarming that they were in the closet doing this. However, all it could mean is that the other boy has already been told not to do this and he wanted to do it without getting caught.

I think your reaction to your son was fine - we reiterate to my children that no one should touch their privates AND they shouldn't touch anyone else's.

I would say something to the other mom. Just be factual, make it an FYI type thing. I don't think there is a need to bring the teacher in at this point.