Depressed college student
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Anonymous
| My DC has been in college for two years and has either withdrawn or failed about half the classes. DC recently said that he has been depressed off and on the whole two years. He took antidepressants for awhile his first year but decided to stop taking them. I thought it was because he was feeling better but he recently said they didn't do much. He just started taking a different one and I'm trying to get him to go to counseling. Do we make him take a year or semester off and work? Do we send him to Outward Bound? Do we send him to a college for students with learning disabilities? He has ADD and really struggles with executive functioning and the depression on top makes school a real challenge. I'm leaning towards having him take time off to get the depression under control but I don't think a lot of unstructured time at home is a good idea. |
Anonymous
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Not an easy decision, but I would have him take the time off to get the depression under control. Unfortunately, the suicide rate for college students is too high, and the schools don't offer enough support for vulnerable students.
He doesn't have to sit at home. He could take a few classes at a local community college, or work part time. |
Anonymous
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I agree about taking time off for now and finding a really good psychiatrist and therapist he can work with for managing his mental health. (And also perhaps an executive function coach, if he takes some classes at a CC.) Find as many things as you can to give him structured time - the gym, a daily run or walk, volunteering ... you are correct that lots of free time is not good, but depression is also exhausting, so what he does needs to be flexible enough to fit what he thinks he is capable of.
We had a DC go though this, before starting college, and it is a huge challenge. The kid doesn't feel well so isn't very helpful or cooperative and it's a whole maze of providers and meds and things I was completely unfamilliar with. We switched therapists several times until we found the right fit and we switched psychiatrists once also. When you find the right people, you will know. (It's also incredibly expensive, but when you look at what you have spent on tuition for failed classes, it's money well spent to get him better.) |
Anonymous
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Why don't you ask the school if he can take a decreased work load?
Or, get treatment while living near school while taking one class? It might be terribly depressing to come back home to mom and dad to 'get better'. Also, he's an adult and he doesn't have to come home so tread lightly. When you ask him what he wants to do what does he say? |
Anonymous
Thanks for the helpful suggestions. He's not sure what he wants to do exactly, but he doesn't want to live at home. Living at school, working and taking one class might be the best option. I really want him to go to counseling but I'm not sure he'll follow through. |
Anonymous
Well, if he finds a counselor he likes he might go. Look for a man maybe if he'd relate more to a man? If look for a big practice so he can switch therapists until he finds one he likes? Sometimes you can start with the campus health center therapists and then get a referral? My husband got through grad school because he had a therapist. I don't know how he found him. As he was many states away from home he must have sought him out himself. It helped him a lot and I know that he really liked him. Yeah, no one wants to come home - don't take it personally. Being on the cusp of adulthood is crazy exciting and going backward to living at home with mom and dad is not on most people's lists. In fact you can take it as a sign of strength that he wants to continue with his studies and his independent life. |
Anonymous
I struggled with depression throughout middle school, high school, college, and law school. It can be over-whelming. College is challenging and it really hits all of the "I suck" buttons that depressives have. Here's what I would do, if it were my kid. He is failing or withdrawing from half his classes. I don't think more time at college, away from home, is good for him. I would have him come home, get into counseling and get into to see a psychiatrist to adjust his meds. I would emphasize that this is just an adjustment and treatment period, not because he is a failure, and that he will be able to go back to college once the depression is a little more under control. I would have him take at least one or two classes at my local community college, maybe do some part-time work (work study through the community college?), and get into an exercise class that he can attend at least 3 days a week. If all goes well, he should be doing better in about 12 months. At that point, he can reassess what he wants to do and where he wants to go to college. Mood disorders do not have to be disabling for the rest of your life. In my case, my mood disorder is chronic, so I have to treat it like other chronic diseases. For me, it's like diabetes. I have to take my medication daily and get regular exercise and eat right and get enough sleep. I can't let anything get too out of whack. When it DOES get out of whack, I need to see my doctor (or counselor) for help in managing the problem |
Anonymous
This link was on another post recently. If you decide to stay in college, AU has a program for students with learning disabilities. http://blog.prepscholar.com/the-18-best-colleges-for-students-with-learning-disabilities |
Anonymous
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No real advice as we are not doing well on this front either. Lots of sympathy though.
Ours refuses any mental health help apart from from the psychiatrist he has seen for years who prescribes his Adderall. Which he often does not bother taking. He is now at home doing community college but still continuing to fail at least a class every semester. He has completely switched types of classes which doing all sorts of STEM courses that he doesn't seem particularly well suited to. He spends a lot of time on the computer and I've had to block him from using during certain hours or he'd be up all night doing nothing but watching Youtube, which I also have had to block. Really, really have no idea what will become of him. He has gained a lot of weight and we haven't been successful in getting him to work out or rethink his eating choices. He doesn't heed deadlines for signing up and everything is a last minute scramble. He won't acknowledge when he is in trouble in a class and, thus, does not withdraw in time. Have brought up the possibility of a trade and he is seeming less resistant than in the past. I am a firm believer that things have a way of working out, but my faith is beginning to falter.... |
Anonymous
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OP,
Many schools have services for kids with ADHD or executive functioning issues. Your kid is growing and may need appropriate adjustment to medications but be in an environment that can support his challenges. Medication only works if your kid is taking it appropriately. Since summer is coming up, this it the time to assure that your kid knows basic life skills, like knowing how and when to take meds. Can your kid independently bathe, do laundry, know how to prepare food etc. So many kids end up away from home and haven't learned the basics. Don't do an Outward Bound type program unless your kid has expressed a specific interest. There's always volunteer work to be found that could match his interests and now would be the time to talk to a behavioral specialist if the basics aren't being met. |
Anonymous
| OP here- I'm leaning towards having him take a semester or year off. I think he may want that also. He's been living by himself in an apartment at school and next year he's supposed to live in a group house. I'm thinking of letting him stay in the group house and just work or work and take one class. I don't think he'll be happy at home. His school won't let him take classes at another school except in the summer, so he wouldn't be able to take classes at a cc. I just worry about him getting more depressed but at some point he needs to figure this out himself. |
Anonymous
Check in with him in person regularly. You will see if he has dark circles under his eyes, is unkempt, losing weight, etc. People can be very adept at hiding behind their cell phones and texts. |
Anonymous
Please be careful with this. My housemate in college had uncontrolled depression. She went home for a semester, but then came back to live with us. She wasn't enrolled in classes and was supposedly working, but she rarely left her room and never left the house. It was a huge responsibility for us to feel like we had to supervise her recovery and I don't think it did her any favors either. I don't know what your solution is, but sending him back to his college town, even if not taking classes, before his depression is under control, is potentially a bad idea. |
Anonymous
| So if he doesn't go back to school he would live at home and work. I think this might also be tough because he won't have any friends around. I wonder if it would be better for him to do a hiking trip or go abroad, something more structured and interesting. How do you "recover" from depression? |
Anonymous
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I was in a similar situation when I was in college. After a brief hospitalization, I moved to a new apartment, withdrew from school, found an easy part-time job. Eventually I returned to school (took 1-2 very easy summer school classes, then a reduced course load during the year, and then full-time after about a year). I also did therapy several times a week. That worked out well for me, but I had a good outpatient team (therapist, doctor or psychiatrist).
Getting a job was great because it was something I was good at. The job was basically just rote, manual labor, took zero brain power, but that was just what I needed. Before I would recommend that for your son though, I think you, OP, need to consider how self-motivated your son is. Does he agree there is a problem? Does he want to get better or return to normal? Your post said you are trying to get him to try counseling. Does he think that's a good idea? Is he willing to at least test-drive a couple of therapists to see if he finds one that works? For me, coming home was not recommended because my home environment & home town was very triggering to me. But everyone is different. Would coming home be a relief to your son or a sign of major failure? I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Do you have any support or ability to get feedback in real time from either a professional (a therapist or licensed clinical social worker) or others who have been in your place? Maybe that would also be helpful for you to help your family and son sort out your options? |