Did you steal from family as a teen?

[Anonymous]

if so, why? How did it end up? Did you ever figure out it was wrong?

we had an older teen family member from overseas who was living with us for half a year, and in the end, we found she was stealing from us. I can't figure out if she truly feels any remorse. I'm sure she wasn't buying drugs, but just wanted easy money for shopping. She also took a couple small electronics she apparently thought she "needed." Like an ipod.

We did so much for her, and I'm trying to understand what was going on. It's so hurtful, stressful, and disorienting to have a thief in the house. She took cash out of my purse, and for some of the things she had to have gone through drawers in my bedroom. (I took the electronics back from her purse, and her parents are paying us back the cash we're aware of, but I think there is more that she took that I haven't figured out yet. We have since sent her home.) Because she's a family member, I can't entirely just say "good riddance." She hasn't fully admitted what she did, but also didn't deny anything. She did apologize to me, but not to my husband or kids. I'd like her to be forthcoming with a list of all she took, and a plan for making it right, but haven't requested that specifically. I don't feel like contacting her. I'm still a bit shell-shocked.
It doesn't seem that stealing is something she's done before (her parents seemed entirely shocked and devastated by what we told them.) A couple people told me her behavior is sociopathic, but I hate to think she's beyond redemption. At the same time, it's very disturbing how detached she seemed to be from what she was doing. Can anyone offer insight into this kind of behavior?

[Anonymous]

Was she visiting for fun or out of necessity? How was she adjusting to life in the U.S.?

We had an exchange student when I was in high school, and I was aware of what a difficult transition it was for her, away from her family and in a foreign country.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is related to why she was living with you. Was she spoiled and sent to you for a grand adventure? Was she troubled and sent away as punishment? Was she here for school and under pressure to perform? Was it an enormous sacrifice for her family and she found herself surrounded by excess and luxury? How are we supposed to know the why if you experienced the event and you have no clue? Ask yourself one question though; if her parents had no prior experience with this behavior, why would they believe you? Most parents would deny deny and deny some more before paying for anything based on an accusation and no real loss of goods.

[Anonymous]

My brother stole from me from early childhood. It started with small toys, then birthday money and then things like signed-out schoolbooks (we were twins in the same grade; he'd try to cover for himself when he lost his copy), bigger amounts of cash, and even things my mom had bought me that she wouldn't replace if I lost. An example I remember is cleats I needed for a sport- he didn't use them but must have just wanted me to be stuck without them.

We are in our thirties. He's not a sociopath but definitely has some kind of narcissist personality disorder and has caused me lots of grief. Your niece just sounds lost and maybe struggling to feel like she has what she thinks she needs to fit in?

[Anonymous]

My DD who was eventually diagnosed and treated for bipolar stole money from us and shoplifted.

[Anonymous]

I stole as a kid and as a teenager. As a teen I stole from the people I babysat for. It had nothing to do with them personally, from my perspective.

Here's what I can tell you: I came from a very, very restrictive household. As in, if I got up from the couch to walk out of the room I got asked where I was going. I temporarily traded clothes with a friend and got reamed out for it. Everywhere I turned, I bumped into a rule or a punishment. I graduated from HS in '94, stopped getting allowance in 9th grade, and at that stage, I was getting $3 a week. I did not have the kind of parents who would ever give me money to go to the mall or to the movies with friends. I had friends given $20 a week plus money to go out with friends.

I did not feel in control of my life. Stealing gave me a tiny bit of control. More money gave me a tiny bit of control. I grew out of it.

I am neither a sociopath nor a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend in high school who stole things from family and shoplifted. She grew up in a fairly repressive household and like the PP, I think it was a way for her to have some control that was outside the reach of her family. She was a normal kid in other way and is now a delightful, responsible adult and mother.

There are a lot of reasons why this might be happening, but given the extent of it, her parents should be looking into getting to the bottom of it. Hopefully she lives in a country with access to good therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it is related to why she was living with you. Was she spoiled and sent to you for a grand adventure? Was she troubled and sent away as punishment? Was she here for school and under pressure to perform? Was it an enormous sacrifice for her family and she found herself surrounded by excess and luxury? How are we supposed to know the why if you experienced the event and you have no clue? Ask yourself one question though; if her parents had no prior experience with this behavior, why would they believe you? Most parents would deny deny and deny some more before paying for anything based on an accusation and no real loss of goods.[/quote

+1

This was my thought, too: Maybe she was sent to live with you at least in part because her family felt she needed something -- maybe a trip to shake up a teen who was -- what, exactly? Complacent, spoiled, academically tanking at home, no longer listening to her parents? Maybe she did steal because she saw a higher standard of living and was resentful and simply wanted what she saw; or maybe she was sincerely floundering and upset and this gave her control. Lots of maybes.

It's very commendable that you do want to figure out the "why" even though she is now gone, but in the end her parents have to be the ones to deal with it. And it sounds as if they did not -- you are the one (rightly, I think) wanting a list of what she took and a plan for restitution and a real apology to the whole family; her parents should be the ones wanting and requiring that of her even more than you are. Are they? If they were only shocked about the news, but did nothing about the stealing, even from abroad, did they at least Skype with her or phone her and you, and tell you some form of discipline to use? If not,then they have a larger problem on their hands. They may want simply to forget it happened and she will never be made to face up to it. If you are close to the parents, and they are not putting up walls and denying what she did, then you should let them know that you are concerned for her (because I think you are, based on the tone of the post). But in the end, if they do not discipline her, you can't do it from afar. It's sad -- not the stealing itself so much as the thought that she just didn't seem to think it was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stole as a kid and as a teenager. As a teen I stole from the people I babysat for. It had nothing to do with them personally, from my perspective.

Here's what I can tell you: I came from a very, very restrictive household. As in, if I got up from the couch to walk out of the room I got asked where I was going. I temporarily traded clothes with a friend and got reamed out for it. Everywhere I turned, I bumped into a rule or a punishment. I graduated from HS in '94, stopped getting allowance in 9th grade, and at that stage, I was getting $3 a week. I did not have the kind of parents who would ever give me money to go to the mall or to the movies with friends. I had friends given $20 a week plus money to go out with friends.

I did not feel in control of my life. Stealing gave me a tiny bit of control. More money gave me a tiny bit of control. I grew out of it.

I am neither a sociopath nor a narcissist.

Same childhood except mom would snack me for speaking to her.

Not that I have my own kids they get more but are not spoiled. No smacking.
My DD bitterly complains all the time about how horrible we are, it's awful. You can't win.
Teens are just out of their minds, OP. Even the best of them. I'm sure the girl just wanted to purchase some things. It's wrong and iWork's have nicely explained to her that in this house we do chores for spending money (did she have any? If not that is torture!). Or just ask her 'do you need anything? Spending money?!'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stole as a kid and as a teenager. As a teen I stole from the people I babysat for. It had nothing to do with them personally, from my perspective.

Here's what I can tell you: I came from a very, very restrictive household. As in, if I got up from the couch to walk out of the room I got asked where I was going. I temporarily traded clothes with a friend and got reamed out for it. Everywhere I turned, I bumped into a rule or a punishment. I graduated from HS in '94, stopped getting allowance in 9th grade, and at that stage, I was getting $3 a week. I did not have the kind of parents who would ever give me money to go to the mall or to the movies with friends. I had friends given $20 a week plus money to go out with friends.

I did not feel in control of my life. Stealing gave me a tiny bit of control. More money gave me a tiny bit of control. I grew out of it.

I am neither a sociopath nor a narcissist.

Same childhood except mom would snack me for speaking to her.

Not that I have my own kids they get more but are not spoiled. No smacking.
My DD bitterly complains all the time about how horrible we are, it's awful. You can't win.
Teens are just out of their minds, OP. Even the best of them. I'm sure the girl just wanted to purchase some things. It's wrong and iWork's have nicely explained to her that in this house we do chores for spending money (did she have any? If not that is torture!). Or just ask her 'do you need anything? Spending money?!'

Sam autocorrect, sorry

Same childhood except mom would snack me for speaking to her.

Now that I have my own kids they get more but are not spoiled. No smacking.
My DD bitterly complains all the time about how horrible we are, it's awful. You can't win.
Teens are just out of their minds, OP. Even the best of them. I'm sure the girl just wanted to purchase some things. It's wrong and I would
have nicely explained to her that in this house we do chores for spending money (did she have any? If not that is torture!). Or just ask her 'do you need anything? Spending money perhaps?! You know you can ask me for what you need and we will work it out, right?'

[Anonymous]

My cousin did this. Her parents weren't really involved and she acted out by doing drugs and sleeping with anything that had a pulse. She came to live with us because her parents couldn't deal.
I once got a speeding ticket, and I babysat to earn the $150 to pay for it. She stole it right from my room. She tried to and it on my born again, risked his life and went to China to deliver bibles uncle. She also stole clothes from me and money from my parents wallets. We ended up having to lock up everything.

She now has a son with major psychiatric problems, and I can't help but wonder if he gets it from her.

She has never apologized, and once I was old enough, I stopped seeing/talking to her. Haven't seen her in 15 years since she inserted herseld in the receiving line at my brother's funeral and made a speech about how he was her brother.

If I had to guess, I think she a sociopath. She lies and lies and I truly think she eventually belives the lies. She now lives in a trailer in a very poor southern state.

I heard from my mom that she has some sort of seizure disorder and was asking for money from family (and go find me). I don't believe a word of it, and if it was true, it serves her right. I don't care for the drama. anymore.

I guess my point is that once that trust is broken, IMO, it can't be restored.

[Anonymous]

I did. I am horrified that I did it-- took some money out of a relative's wallet and also out of a friend's.

I don't know why I did it and have no excuses. I came from a poor family and went to a private school on scholarship, but there are lots of poor people who don't steal. I had an alcoholic parent, but lots of kids of alcoholics would never do this. I was a straight-A student and very sensitive, but yes, I look back and think it was a very narcissistic way to act.

Your family member may feel remorse and embarrassment years from now, like me. Give her a chance before then-- I think your idea of a list and a plan for making it right is perfect, especially when framed by the expectation that she is not a sociopath but a good person who can and will make it right.

[Anonymous]

Did too. Not that I needed it but I just preferred someone else's stuff. And small things like their stationery. Sometimes
I did a "trade" on my own terms without asking. Our family could afford it. Just bored perhaps. But I am not a criminal
Now

[Anonymous]

I used to steal dollar bills and quarters from my parents' wallets a couple of times a week because I wanted change for the school vending machines to buy junk food and they would have said no if I'd asked. They had to have noticed, but they never said anything to me.

I never took more than $1 at a time but it probably added up.

[Anonymous]

My teen DD suffered a bad concussion and went off the rails afterwards, which included stealing money from my purse, taking credit cards etc. Initially, she mostly spent the money on doing things for friends like buying them lunch or small cute gifts. Later, drugs were involved.

The stealing ended along with a host of other difficult behaviors (including drugs) and she is pretty much a model for a standup citizen and college student. But we are still find reining the cavalier attitude she developed towards spending money during this time challenging.