Overestimating importance of having relationship with grandparents?

[Anonymous]

Don't you think it's overrated? I mean, with an average grandparent who is kind of out of touch with reality a little? I am not talking about obvious crazies, neither am I talking about fun, active, and caring grandparents. I am talking about a mediocre grandparent who is more interested in sitting on the couch helping themselves to food in the fridge talking about random stuff and giving unsolicited advice than in actually hanging out with their grandkids, having meaningful interactions with them?

[Anonymous]

No, I don't think it's overrated! It's really special--having a close relationship with a grandparent. I wish it happened more often. My kids will get it with my husband's parents, but not my own.

[Anonymous]

IHMO - overrated. My kids have one remaining great grandparent. Unfortunately she kind of sucks. She's not overtly horrible or cruel, there's just nothing positive to be gained from spending time with her. She manages to insult us everytime we see her and maintaining the relationship is hard on us. I really don't feel that the lack of relationship is a loss to my kids.

[Anonymous]

One of the things that's been an eye-opener to me is seeing that my kids have a completely different "take" or relationship with my mother than I do. I find her abrasive and difficult. They find her charming and fun. Granted, they are young children and may outgrow this, but I don't think grandparents can be written off just because you are sour on them. Kids should be able to have a relationship. And just because Grandma sits on the couch doesn't mean she and the kids can't enjoy each other -- watching Frozen can be an activity that they really love.

[Anonymous]

My parents were bad parents. They are amazingly great grandparents. My son and nephew are very close to them. And it feels good. I'm glad they have that rich experience in life. My parents aren't super active or anything but they do pay attention to the kids when they are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the things that's been an eye-opener to me is seeing that my kids have a completely different "take" or relationship with my mother than I do. I find her abrasive and difficult. They find her charming and fun. Granted, they are young children and may outgrow this, but I don't think grandparents can be written off just because you are sour on them. Kids should be able to have a relationship. And just because Grandma sits on the couch doesn't mean she and the kids can't enjoy each other -- watching Frozen can be an activity that they really love.

+1.

Just like our kids have a different take on their relationships with US, their parents, than we might expect...part of the reason I try to make the grandparents a big part of my kids' life (which is hard, because they live half a world away and it means they visit us for half year chunks of time) is because I've heard my own parents' stories and memories of their own grandparents, and their parents, and the ways in which their relationships with each were unique and helped shape them.

Now, OP, I have my moments of thinking "who are these people and why do I want them shaping my kids anyway?!?" but then a little voice says to me, "Well, knowing their grandparents will help our children understand us and our own experiences, and I am sending a message to my kids about what I think a family is...people who stick together and care for one another and listen to each other and respect each other even when we get on each others' nerves, or disagree with each others' choices, or just want some peace and quiet." Because I am reasonably sure that one day I am going to be the old lady who doesn't quite understand why I am irritating my grown-up children so much, but will feel like I have something valuable to create to their lives anyway.

[Anonymous]

Goodness, no. I think you far underestimate how important it is.

[Anonymous]

It is great when. The kid and the grandparent have that special bond. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't.

You are also teaching your kid to respect all ages and all people within his circle. People should not be discarded (without cause, and being tired or boring is not cause). Model loving kindness. That's the other purpose.

[Anonymous]

I had two pretty different sets of grandparents growing up. One was very loving, played with us, spoiled us a bit and pretty involved. The other were more stern, much older, and overall pretty cranky. As a child I clearly preferred the fun grandparents. I remember complaining about my stern grandmother and my mom would always answer "when you are 90 years old you can say/do whatever you want to". That was a good lesson for me. My stern grandmother had a much more difficult life than my charmed middle class suburban 80s childhood. I started to realize that once I hit middle school, that whoa, grandma lived THROUGH some stuff. She lived through two world wars, the depression, she survived the European flu epidemic, had every illness you can imagine (scarlet fever, measles, rubella, cancer) and yet, she built a wonderful life for herself in a foreign country. She might not have gotten down on the floor and played Candyland with me, but she has absolutely had an incredible influence on my life and I'm very proud to have her as my grandmother.

[Anonymous]

As a child that had NO interaction with grandparents after the age of 6 (My one involved grandparent died), I am supremely jealous of other's experiences. Sure, my other grandparents were mean and grumpy - but that's a life lesson in itself. We live far away from our parents now, but my daughter is very close with my ILs and I try to keep in contact with my mom just so she can see both sides eventually (grumpy and involved). I have nieces and nephews that have both types of grandparents and they will openly discuss their goals of emulating one and not the other.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the grandparent but as long as they are a safe set of adults it's important for kids to have relationships with all ages and all kids of adults. It'll help them sort out temperaments and behavior with their peers as well.
I'm lucky to have had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother who had a very tumultuous relationship with my mother (she was totally different with me). I can see the same thing happening with my daughter as well and I'm so happy for her to have a bond with more loving adults.

[Anonymous]

You can't force a relationship. Do your children have other grandparents that are more involved or interested? I certainly wouldn't actively prevent a relationship and I would make the effort so that time can be spent together, but grandparents are who they are and can choose what to make or not of that role.

One of our sets sounds similar to yours, sits on the couch, doesn't really interact with the kids, complains about everything, etc. The other set couldn't be more interested in getting down on the floor and playing, reading until they are hoarse, rolling out Play Doh over and over, etc. With the former set, I just keep at it, inviting, having them visit, etc., but they aren't going to change. The kids figure it out. At nearly 6, our oldest is very clear that she prefers the latter set, doesn't understand why the former set never seem interested in what she has to say and has pretty much given up on attempting to get their attention. I feel sad for them because they made that choice, but am happy for my child that she at least has one set that she has a great bond with.

[Anonymous]

My parents were always very involved with my 3 kids. They lived a few hours away, but would visit every few months. The kids would visit them for a week every summer without DH and I. Every time they would visit they would babysit at night and go to all of their sports games. Fast forward to when kids were 15, 12, and 10. Mom's cancer returned and Dad couldn't drive so they moved in with us. It turned out to be a wonderful thing for my kids. They have a great relationship with them and have learned lessons I could never teach them. Mom passed away last year and Dad's dementia is progressing. My kids now argue about which one of them DH and I will move in with when the time comes. They each want us to live with them for the free babysitting and lawn work. My mom would help them with their homework (she was a retired HS math teacher) and dad still throws the football or plays horse with them. My kids love that my dad calls jeans "dungarees" and the shopping cart a "buggie". I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's completely relative. Family is amazing - the most special bond you can have.....unless it's not. You don't pick your family, and not all families are great. There are plenty of crappy grandparents (and parents too of course) where the relationship simply doesn't add anything substantive to your life or to theirs. It irks me when people, like some PPs, insist that there is some intrinsic invaluability to it, because then you feel like there is something wrong with you if that's not the relationship you have with your family. In my family, I have that great close relationship with one side and the other side is useless. Same with my daughter's grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Like anything it depends on the people involved. If the grandparents don't care about the relationship or suck I would say no. Of course there are lousy parents that should be written off too.