Can you prepare to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, I royally messed up at work and I am 98% sure my name is now on the reduction in workforce (RIF) list that my company is preparing for and I think I will be out of a job in the next few weeks/months. I am currently 5 months pregnant and there are next to zero jobs in my corporate specialty here in NoVa. DH (who's incredibly disappointed in me) and I had a long talk this weekend (one that basically ran non-stop all weekend long) and I will try to stay home until I've completely deplete unemployment, which I hope will include the 20 week extension. I will start to look again when baby is 3 months old; hopefully the market would have picked back up in 8 months from now and I will have a choice as to where to work. Money will be tight - tighter than tight - and there is a very good chance we will have to sell our single family home and move into a townhouse in order to make this work. We are immediately making significant changes to our lifestyle, like canceling a home improvement project, brown-bagging, cutting out Starbucks, canceling dog walker, etc., to squirrel away as much as possible.

We can try to prepare for this financially but how do I prepare for this emotionally? DC #1 (a toddler) will be removed from daycare/ preschool and I won't be able to afford to do any classes or events during the day. I also have absolutely no idea what I will do with two once new baby comes along either. We relocated here last year and the only people I know are WM from office and family is all a 5 hour car-ride away (which will be limited due to gas $). Deep down, I am excited about spending more time with DCs, but I worry that toddler will be miserable and bored, which will make me miserable and bored.

Any advice on how to frame this mentally, financially, emotionally? Is there anyway to ready ourselves for this transition?

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend "1001 Things to Do with your Kids." Other people will have good ideas for you about finances and emotions.

My advice from the trenches is, it really helps to have a little 'structure' in your day with very young kids. AND, when you are near-poor, like I am and you might be, you can't just fill up your week with $420 toddler classes.

So the above book has been very useful at our house. Other books are "The Preschooler's Busy Book"

[Anonymous]

OP: Do you belong, or are you able to consider joining, any place of worship? Lots of such places have Moms Groups that serve as an incredible source of support and friendship. They often invite guest speakers, and provide childcare. You may find that even though these families buy less stuff, they have more of what's really most important. Blessings to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

You might try MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) -- http://www.mops.org/. There are several groups in NoVA area, including in Vienna, Falls Church, McLean, Fairfax, etc. (If you search for a group on the website, you probably should search for a "classic" group). Kudos to you (and your husband) for facing these challenging times head-on with planning and deliberation.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on your personality. Since you seem concerned about not being able to afford activities, I assume you need structured activities/social interaction. You should definetly join some mommy groups and/or look for playdates. Also, look to your county's website, there are often a lot of free to very low cost activities offered through the county that you might find attractive.

If you do end up moving, you might want to activiely seek a social neighborhood. I'm not exactly sure HOW you do this, but it certainly seems like some neighborhoods are very active socially and some are not. Location to playgrounds is also key. I love being able to walk to two different playgrounds (I'm part-time).

[Anonymous]

OP Where abouts do you currently live?

[Anonymous]

Just wondering why you're approaching the RIF thing as a foregone conclusion. Can you develop a recovery plan with your manager, acknowledge errors and demonstrate a plan to restore your firm's confidence in you? It's fine to steel yourself for losing your job, but if you need the income and have as much dread about SAHM as your post hints at, perhaps it's not too late to target your energy on trying to save your job? Tell us more about what happened and I'm sure many folks on this board would be able to help you come up with a plan that would at least demonstrate that you haven't given up on your job, and maybe salvage your reputation professionally?

[Anonymous]

I think that dread isn't the right word... apprehensive perhaps? I've worked for over 20 years. I am not looking forward to being flat-broke and the prospect of having to leave the home we've only lived in for a year isn't at all appealing. But I do look forward to having more time with my children. I think that right now, I have incredible quality of time with my child. As a SAHM, I will have quantity of time with DC, but will it have the same quality element to it when figuring out how to affordably feed my family and keep the roof over our heads will be a primary focus. DC is very active, very bright, very well adjusted and needs to constantly be on the move... boredom doesn't go over well. I am just not sure if I will how to fill up the hours and keep DC happy.

As for work, my company is going through a major upheaval and I don't know if there is currently an appetite for repair. I've pissed off the higher-ups, lost their trust, and I don't know if they now see me fitting into the "new" organization. I've made a series of small errors (small but with a culmulative affect) and let some projects drag on too long. I think a good portion of it has been because of pregnancy - forgetfulness, tiredness, non-stop nausea - but I would rather cut out my tongue than use it as an excuse for poor performance. I've also felt under-utilized and under-challenged (i.e. bored) and it caught up with me in the end.

Based on the dire feedback I received last week, I immediately dove headlong into trying to repair the relationship - turned the heat up under languishing projects, worked over the weekend, proactively finished something ahead of schedule, etc. I just don't know if it is enough.

[Anonymous]

Just two quick thoughts:
1) Your one-year-old will not be bored at home with you.
2) Depending on where you will live, I would prepare by joining mom's groups and letting people know that you are going to stay at home for a while. In other words, I would begin to meet other SAHMs. Then you can do playdates, meet at parks, free pools, museums, etc. etc.

I'm sorry about the money situation. But I bet you'll love staying home - best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

You need to find your daytime tribe.

If it's just you and your kids, staring at each other and the walls, you'll quickly go nuts. But if you find a handful -- hell, even one or two -- like-minded mommas to hang out with, the time can be a delight. The key is to be Little Susie Joiner and say "yes" to any invite, idea or reasonably friendly person you encounter. Chatting up strange parents terrifies me, but spending M-F alone with my son terrifies me more. So I make an effort -- and it's paid off in some really cool women friends.

I'm not sure where you live, but here's a short list of the free stuff we've got in or close to Arlington: splash parks, library story hours, nature centers (free admission, classes are a whopping $5), riding the Metro to National Airport or the Smithsonian, kids' music concerts at the Tyson's play area or Lebanese Taverna restaurants, Clemyjontri, community center playrooms in the winter, Frying Pan farm in Reston, and impromptu tours of the fire house. I've "picked up" friendly parents at just about all of them, as well as at the local parks. (Note about parks -- they all have their own personality and regulars. If one doesn't seem like a good fit for you, feel free to try another.)

I also like to make something low-key and fun for dinner on Friday or Saturday night. Our going-out budget is non-existent, but homemade pizza, burgers on the grill or a family burrito bar (con margaritas!) do a lot to make it seem like a weekend.

[Anonymous]

Where did this STAY at home lie come from anyway? I have yet to meet a fulltime parent who STAYS at home. We need to re-word that with some accuracy.
No need to get emotional about simple facts.

[Anonymous]

Cutting out dog walkers, starbucks, home improvement projects? That doesn't sound like a tight budget - try cutting cable, home phone, selling stuff on Craigslist, etc. Now that is working with a tight budget.

As for the DCs - there are a TON of free things in the area.

You just have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get saavy.

Are you in Ffx Co. by chance? Check out their website for free family movie nights, free Fairfax Corner demos/activities, kids' musical performance on Mondays, musical performances on Saturday mornings, Barnes & Noble book reading on Fridays, the oodles of playgrounds/nature centers/tot lots, etc....and the list goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cutting out dog walkers, starbucks, home improvement projects? That doesn't sound like a tight budget - try cutting cable, home phone, selling stuff on Craigslist, etc. Now that is working with a tight budget.

As for the DCs - there are a TON of free things in the area.

You just have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get saavy.

Are you in Ffx Co. by chance? Check out their website for free family movie nights, free Fairfax Corner demos/activities, kids' musical performance on Mondays, musical performances on Saturday mornings, Barnes & Noble book reading on Fridays, the oodles of playgrounds/nature centers/tot lots, etc....and the list goes on.

this isn't a Who's Poorer contest. Jeez. I mean, selling stuff on Craigslist? What about selling your body on the street? unable to pay for your prescriptions? My point being that there is always someone worse off than you. For OP, she is facing a big adjustment so get off her back. She doesn't sound entitled or spoiled to me. She is just trying to find ways to survive the long hot days with 2 small kids!

I agree with another PP that your toddler will not be bored with you. Toddlers dont require all those classes, etc. Give them a bucket or water and your attention and they will be golden. That said, YOU may get a bit bored! I am a SAHM and the KEY KEY KEY to sanity is having playdates at your house or others' houses. With other moms or even nannies.

It takes a village and I had to build my village brick by brick! But it has paid off. Moms are not supposed to be isolated all day with their kids. This is a modern phenomenon that is very destuctive.

[Anonymous]

If your toddler likes arts or crafts, you can ask at the library. The children's librarian may have some books with ideas about things to do. (Can be quite low cost.) Or look for a book for preschool teachers, or google for ideas. I try to keep a schedule with my 3 yo. We do reading time, craft time, snack time, etc. Not to make it sound like I have things running by the clock -- just a planned progression of things to do each day. What kinds of things does she do at preschool/daycare? It helps to have a few things that the older child likes to do semi-independently, once the new baby comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did this STAY at home lie come from anyway? I have yet to meet a fulltime parent who STAYS at home. We need to re-word that with some accuracy.
No need to get emotional about simple facts.

Hummm.....