Would you move to be closer to family?

[Anonymous]

Let me start by saying we have a nice life here in DC... we own an apartment that we love (although we do hope to move to something bigger in a couple years), have well-paying jobs, our one child is in a preschool we really like, we have a nice group of friends, etc. The one thing missing is family. We have zero anywhere nearby.

I grew up very close to my family - huge family dinners at my grandparents every Sunday night, tons of cousins, etc. Right now we have just one child and if we don't have more (working on it but not going well) then I would love her to have more family in her life. And, if we do have another it would be nicer to live by family for the support. My parents live in California and are in their early 60s, very active and would love to have a much bigger role in their granddaughter's life. My 2 sisters live there as well, as do my cousins who have young kids.

DH and I have been talking about making the move out west and he is fully on board -- I think even more than I am. He can transfer to his company's CA office/headquarters so that would be easy. And I am sure I could find a job too. It just seems like such a big move and now that it could be a reality I am terrified. It is more expensive there so I worry about our quality of life. The traffic is horrific. We don't really have many friends, and I hear the private schools are a nightmare to get into.

Has anyone on here moved to be closer to family, and was it worth it? Am I crazy to be worried about this?

[Anonymous]

We moved to CA to get away from family.

[Anonymous]

I'm a Californian too and DH is from the midwest. We've raised our kids here and they have happy childhood memories -- the youngest is about to graduate from high school. We've made friends and have a strong church community. Still, I really wish we'd been closer to family, and I would have loved for our kids, who are very outdoorsy, to grow up in California. If I were you, I'd move in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

I would, especially if you can transfer your jobs there.

[Anonymous]

DH and I talk about it constantly. We're just starting a family and are just getting by in this area. If we lived near my family, we would be very comfortable financially, have all that family support and love, and the schools are amazing. He isn't as close to his family and they live in a higher COL area with high unemployment rates which is the only reason we lean more towards where my family lives.

My job transfers easily but not so much for DH so that's the only reason we haven't moved yet. We're hoping in another few years, he'll be more established in his industry and will be able to get a job in the area so we can move.

[Anonymous]

In your case, I would do it in a second. Family is so important.

[Anonymous]

We did it and we are happy. Why do you assume you would need private schools? There are plenty of great school districts in California.

[Anonymous]

If I could , I would in a heartbeat. My husband works in a field that isn't easily transportable so we have not. We have good friends, and my children are happy; but I miss, and my kids are missing out on, the large happy extended family that I grew up with. When we visit for holidays both kids are wistful they can't experience that year round. I am from a large, happy extended family and we actually really enjoy each others company and have a good time together.

I do wonder though if in reality I would love it, because I did leave, you know? I grew up in a small town in the Midwest and I prefer a bigger city - that would be a drawback for me. Though once again, the opportunity to be with family is such a big draw. I agree with 08:16 - family is so important.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot of upside to your potential move. I'd try it if I had that set of circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Can you do a kind of test run by taking your kids to visit the relatives in CA for an extended time over the summer? If you do, can you stay in an apartment or "residence inn" type of hotel so you're not staying with relatives? I mention that because you could learn a lot about the realities of traffic, cost of gas day by day, cost of groceries, etc. if you are in the area and close to your family but not staying with them, not using their cars, and shopping and making some meals on your own temporary turf. Visiting with people is nice but does not give the visitor a realistic idea of what it's like to live in a place (and if you lived there a while back, it won't be the same now, so you still could benefit from going out there but not staying with the family).

Also, I'd really check out the family situation out there. It's fantastic that the relatively young grandparents would be able to see more of the kids! But you do need to learn things like how involved they are in other stuff (for instance, if they are active seniors, they may not have as much time to babysit as you -- or they -- think they will). You might find that other relatives you know are not going to be as available to be in your lives day to day as you would like. Remember, when you visit, you're the center of attention and folks naturally go out of their way to be with you, but when you live in a place it's different. That's fine too! But it's something to consider. Also, your kids' cousins may or may not end up as their friends. Just being blood relatives does not necessarily mean they'll all grow up as buddies or share interests. That's just natural, but if you picture your kids growing up with heaps of close relationships with relatives, just be aware that it may or may not happen; you need to be happy in the area with or without that as a factor in a move.

The schooling issue is crucial and only some time spent out there, and a lot of online research, would answer some of those questions.

I think you have some great circumstances, especially the fact that your husband's company would make such a move pretty easy on the work front. I just hope you can step back a little from BOTH the emotion of "I want a big family around us" AND the emotion of "I'm scared to make this move" and get some objective perspective.

One last thing. You mention you have one child and may or may not have more and you want your child to have family in her life if you don't have another child. Please don't fall into the trap of "I have an only child and must provide family for her beyond her father and me or she won't be complete or happy." Neither siblings nor cousins are essential to a child's happiness. Be sure you're making a life for her here and now, so that even if you don't move, your family of three IS complete and happy.

[Anonymous]

I grew up without family and it's not what I want now. I hated not having cousins or grandparents nearby. Our solution here was that our parents moved to DC. But I was an only child and there won't be cousins for my kids, so at least now there will be grandparents. (Inlaws can't afford to move here and there aren't jobs where they live)

So yes, if there were jobs, I'd move to be near family.

[Anonymous]

If I actually liked my family, I would move in your situation!

[Anonymous]

Not at all crazy, OP. Sounds like you grew up in a pretty nice, loving supportive family. Why wouldn't you want that for your child/children?

We have never lived around family nor are we close with our families and my DD still pines to move 'home' to be close to family and her cousins.

I say follow your heart on this one. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

I know a couple of people who moved out to CA to be closer to family - they did have to deal with schools and cost of living issues, but so far, they seem to have been happy to make the move.

As for me, DC is a fairly central location for both DH and my extended families - one major reason why I moved here (before I met DH), and why I don't really see us moving.

[Anonymous]

We're in the process of trying to do it. Unfortunately my license won't transfer to California, so we'll be losing income to do so (and COL is so much higher out there!), but literally ALL my family lives within a 20 mile radius. Aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, grandparents. We are the black sheep who moved across the country. It was great while we were young, but now that we have a child I want to be closer to my family. (My parents are young--mid 50's--so they want to be a part of soccer games and birthday parties and all the things they are currently missing out on)