DH is a roommate

[Anonymous]

I have become roommates with my husband. I wish I could leave him without fucking up my kids lives. Or the hassle of it all. I am too tired to divorce. But it's a sham. We don't slept together anymore. We sleep in separate rooms. We show no affection to each other. We're raising our 3 kids together and are friends but it is not a healthy marriage - far from it. I honestly wish he would cheat on me so that it would give me a reason to leave. But I said my vows and marriage is not just about the good days. Obviously we need counseling but can someone else tell me that they are like this too? Because tonight I am so down I just want to pack my bags and disappear but I love my kids too much.

[Anonymous]

Think back OP, honestly. Why did you marry him? No snarky, off-the-cuff retort, please. Just think about that for a few minutes and tell us sincerely. Why did you choose to marry him?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was young. I was 25. I had not dated that many people. The man that I married is no longer there. DH was more out-going and attentive. I have changed too. I was more fun and carefree. But add in 3 children and work stress and life issues... but DH did more things and had friends. I honestly can't name ONE friend that DH has now. I find it weird and odd. All this stuff has added up and I just don't care for him that way anymore.

[Anonymous]

Would it be fair to also say the woman he married is also no longer there?

[Anonymous]

You didn't actually answer 20:21's question. Presumably your reason in your head when you were 25 for why you wanted to marry him was not "I am young and have not dated many people."

[Anonymous]

Sounds like both of you are depressed. Did depression cause the marriage to slip or was it the other way around? Both of you need to work on yourselves to see if the marriage is salvageable. Even if it isn't, this will help both of you be healthy emotionally in any future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Sending hugs. I'm in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending hugs. I'm in the same boat.

Count me in your boat.

[Anonymous]

How old is the youngest? With moves, work, and kids, I lost my local friends until our youngest was about 5 years old. Now the youngest is 10, and I have lots of friends again.

Also, be careful of re-writing history. When times get tough, your brain has a way of making you forget that things were ever any good.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat, but I don't know if I can even call my DH a friend. I can't change who my kids' father is, so I'm stuck with him because the grass is not always greener. He treats me more like a mother he's rebelling against. I just ignore him for my own sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was young. I was 25. I had not dated that many people. The man that I married is no longer there. DH was more out-going and attentive. I have changed too. I was more fun and carefree. But add in 3 children and work stress and life issues... but DH did more things and had friends. I honestly can't name ONE friend that DH has now. I find it weird and odd. All this stuff has added up and I just don't care for him that way anymore.

If you're husband were posting here, what would he say about the marriage and how you've changed?

[Anonymous]

Yawn. Couldn't you just join in on one of the 3 identical existing threads about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I was young. I was 25. I had not dated that many people. The man that I married is no longer there. DH was more out-going and attentive. I have changed too. I was more fun and carefree. But add in 3 children and work stress and life issues... but DH did more things and had friends. I honestly can't name ONE friend that DH has now. I find it weird and odd. All this stuff has added up and I just don't care for him that way anymore.

This does not seem unsalvagable. You say that the big difference is that he used to do things and have friends. He hasn't changed to be abusive, lazy, a jerk, a cheater, etc. Just that he used to be a young guy with a lot of energy and a lot of free time. Now he is an older guy with a lot of responsibilities (which he seems to be attentive to) and fewer friends. You guys can definitely fall back in love. Maybe start by proposing one activity that you would like to do with him, arrange childcare, and plan the outing. If you start putting in an effort, he may start putting in an effort. If you want him to have more friends, give him a push by inviting a couple over for dinner where you think the man might mesh well with your husband. These efforts are easier than getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Me, too. I don't think it's uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have three kids? Did things only start going down hill after the third child? He gave you the number of children that you wanted so now you are done with him? I just don't understand these threads where the wife no longer likes the husband, but chose to have multiple children with him.