Is it hard to be friends with people who make significantly more or less?

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom, who gets very little child support and basically has to make it on a low salary for this area (under 100K). I recently met a woman who is very wealthy and she really wants to be friends, do things together with kids, etc.

I like her but our lifestyles are so different that I am embarrassed. I live in a nice townhouse in a close-in area and love it - but it is tiny compared to the house she lives in. Her outfits are very expensive as well - she's blinged out with all the Tory Burch, Chanel bag, etc. I try to be stylish within my means but a $300 blouse will never fit in my budget.

Am I being silly? I am not really jealous of her - most of the things I love most in life are free or close to it (books, good friends, nature, etc).

[Anonymous]

I have not found it to be hard when he have other things in common. If you like her and she likes you, it should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Oh common. You are focused on the wrong thing. How about this, look at her as a fellow human that wants to be friends with you and just be nice. At the end of day some people regardless of income enjoy the company decent caring people.

[Anonymous]

You are being silly. I am wealthy. I don't have any name brand bags or shoes. I don't have a huge McMansion. I'm friends with people all over the financial spectrum. With one friend we mostly go see movies and get coffee or a snack. With other friends we travel. When I meet someone and find out they live in a townhouse I assume they're smart to be living within their means. I don't care what car you drive or how expensive your shirt is, as long as you can give good insight into the Real Housewives.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand your question.
Absolutely you can be friends. The challenge comes when she wants to do things and go places that are way outside your budget. Like meeting for lunch at a pricey restaurant or going on a weekend trip to a place you cannot afford.
As long as you don’t try to “keep up with her” and her lifestyle, you can certainly be friends. There may come a point where you need to be honest with her and let her know that some things are just outside your budget.

[Anonymous]

Yes it's hard. She want to do things that you can't do because of money. She will not think anything for signing the kids up for something that may cost 300-400 and ask you to do the same. Oh the kids will have so much fun etc. Do not be embarrassed when you have to say you can not afford to do what ever it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes it's hard. She want to do things that you can't do because of money. She will not think anything for signing the kids up for something that may cost 300-400 and ask you to do the same. Oh the kids will have so much fun etc. Do not be embarrassed when you have to say you can not afford to do what ever it is.

That is one of the things I am embarrassed about - her kids are in tons of activities - my kids aren't in any. I will sign up my youngest for swim lessons in the summer but they will be at the rec center. We go on vacation once a year, to the beach. There really isn't money for a lot of extras, but we take advantage of all the free stuff in this area (parks, trip to the library every week, etc.). I have very happy kids, but our lifestyle is really simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your question.
Absolutely you can be friends. The challenge comes when she wants to do things and go places that are way outside your budget. Like meeting for lunch at a pricey restaurant or going on a weekend trip to a place you cannot afford.
As long as you don’t try to “keep up with her” and her lifestyle, you can certainly be friends. There may come a point where you need to be honest with her and let her know that some things are just outside your budget.

Exactly, and if she is a considerate friend she will anticipate these situations and avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your question.
Absolutely you can be friends. The challenge comes when she wants to do things and go places that are way outside your budget. Like meeting for lunch at a pricey restaurant or going on a weekend trip to a place you cannot afford.
As long as you don’t try to “keep up with her” and her lifestyle, you can certainly be friends. There may come a point where you need to be honest with her and let her know that some things are just outside your budget.

Exactly, and if she is a considerate friend she will anticipate these situations and avoid them.

It CAN BE hard to be friends at very different income levels, but it need not be -- it honestly depends on the wealthier friend. I wouldn't worry about or even give second thought to you living in a close in townhouse vs. a single family home. Lots of people in this area live in townhomes or condos to be close, rather than in SFHs further out; some people don't live in the close in SFHs bc they are too costly, while I have other friends who say -- no thanks to a 1940s SFH close in when they can afford a cheaper townhome in the same area built in the 2000s.

You'll figure out over time if the friendship works or not. If she's not all about money and is suggesting "regular" activities -- coffee; drinks; taking the kids to the park or out for pizza or McDs, then it'll work. If she's suggesting shopping trips to high end stores or meals at high end restaurants or making comments bc you're not spending thousands on your daughter's art classes or whatever, then yeah -- the friendship won't work. I would advise you NOT to talk about money BUT if she is suggesting things that are out of your range or you are significantly stretching the budget, then I would say that upfront the first or second time. If she is good friend, she'll get it and start suggesting regular activities. If she decides your "means" are cramping her style, she'll move on.

[Anonymous]

It depends on if she wants play dates at the park or going shopping together. If it makes you uncomfortable, why force it? I try to be considerate of my friends who make less, for example by suggesting cheaper places. But I've had friends who weren't considerate when I needed it.

Personally, I'm just not mature enough or whatever to put myself in a situation where I'd feel envy or less than and I don't have th energy to force myself to get over it. There are lots of people in the area....

[Anonymous]

Real friends will accept you for who you are, income or not.

Granted, some people will travel on their own, but then meet up with you for a cheap dinner somewhere. That is one example of a true friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Real friends will accept you for who you are, income or not.

Granted, some people will travel on their own, but then meet up with you for a cheap dinner somewhere. That is one example of a true friendship.

I'm significantly wealthier than almost all of my friends, some who are old time friends and many recent ones. I understand your angst. I try to be low key and do thing with them they are comfortable with and try to not talk about money or get into discussions involving money, but i know they know. I try best to be truly humble... I try to get a feel for things they are comfortable with and try to do that always keeping in mind their situation. I keep my dress modest but there are some things I just can't hide such as the $3m home, exocit cars, etc. So far I have been able to keep my relationships which I truly value. i think if your friend approaches your relationship like I do, then you will be quite comfortable. You will know in time..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand your question.
Absolutely you can be friends. The challenge comes when she wants to do things and go places that are way outside your budget. Like meeting for lunch at a pricey restaurant or going on a weekend trip to a place you cannot afford.
As long as you don’t try to “keep up with her” and her lifestyle, you can certainly be friends. There may come a point where you need to be honest with her and let her know that some things are just outside your budget.

Exactly, and if she is a considerate friend she will anticipate these situations and avoid them.

+2. If she's destined to be a good friend then she won't make you feel like you have to keep up. My mom had a friend like this when we were growing up and her friend never made her feel badly. We also got lots of amazing hand me down clothes from their NYC shopping excursions!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Real friends will accept you for who you are, income or not.

Granted, some people will travel on their own, but then meet up with you for a cheap dinner somewhere. That is one example of a true friendship.

Even a cheap dinner can be beyond some people's budget at times. Eating out is more expensive than cooking at home almost 100% of the time. 11:44 is doing the right thing by getting a feel for things her friends are comfortable with.

IMO the clothes, house and cars don't put as much of a wedge between people than do the cost of going out or children's activities.

[Anonymous]

In theory no, but I find that the wealthy moms I met at our DC preschool had very little interest in befriending (or even acknowledging) anyone who wasn't also wealthy.