Need advice on a situation with the in-laws

[Anonymous]

Long story, so if you're not in a reading mood don't bother lol.
First off, I don't hate my in-laws. They've been very good to my husband and I. But lately, I've been gaining more and more disdain toward both of them.
Here's the situation.
My in-laws are splitting up. The divorce is currently in the works.
FIL decided to have an affair with a young girl and get her pregnant. Ran off in February and has had extremely minimal contact since. He's been cowardly about making his mistakes. MIL is devestated. As you could imagine. DH and I have been out to her house many times to comfort her and offer help around the house, yard work, etc.
Since FIL left, MIL has been calling/texting myself and DH several times a day. If we don't answer, she starts accusing us of siding with him and acting manic and depressed. That alone is stressful enough. She decided to use DH as a middle man between her and her husband's marital issues. Calling to ask what his dad is doing what he's saying what DH thinks is going on, talking crap and making DH feel awful. He's been put in the middle and feels forced to take sides. He knows what his dad did was unacceptable, clearly. But he wants to keep a relationship because it IS his father. It's been breaking his heart. To make matters worse, she has brought DH into legal matters with the lawyer as well. It's completely unfair and in my opinion, immature. This back and forth game has just gotten ridiculous. Now MIL feels incredibly entitled.
To make matters EVEN worse, we just had a baby a month ago. Our first. Their first grandchild. Because of the drama between the two of them, our daughter hasn't even been able to meet her grandfather. He's living out of town, and has no vehicle to make his way back.
MIL is taking it upon herself to try and become our daughter's caregiver anytime we turn around. We went out to visit and because we decided to go home she got angry and offended and tried to make us leave the baby there overnight. I'm not comfortable with any of the situation.
FIL is being cowardly and dismissive, MIL is being entitled and stubborn.. And both of them are putting my husband in the middle of their disagreement. Because of their immaturity and inability to handle their situation like adults, they won't form a relationship with their granddaughter, and they're breaking their son's heart. I just don't know what to do.

I understand the whole story is kind of a mess.. I didn't know where to begin or what to include.
But what would you do in my situation? i can't stand seeing my husband like this and it angers me so much that my daughter may miss out on family relationships because of this. Would you say something to your in-laws? Set ground rules or just give them a dose of reality? Part of me feels like it's not my place. And if you would say something, how would you go about it without being totally inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Does your husband plan to have a relationship with his half sibling?

[Anonymous]

Wow. Normally I'd say let DH deal with it because it's his family, but it's affecting you tremendously too. I'd probably talk to DH and ask how he wants to deal with them, because what's happening currently isn't sustainable. Then follow his lead as best you can.

With the relationship I have with my inlaws, I would feel comfortable stepping up and saying something. I'm closer to MIL, FIL and FIL's wife than DH is though. I'm not sure if that would work in your situation though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband plan to have a relationship with his half sibling?

Not op, but really not the point or the time to think about this sort of thing. The half sibling is a baby, and op's dh is quite literally old enough to be the child's father. I would think this can be dealt with down the road.

Sorry, op. These things can get ugly. My dh essentially sided with his mom during their late-in-life divorce, and his brother went with the father. MIL went off the rails in a similar manner to yours, but mine has the added fun of a personality disorder, so that was amusing. My best advice is to take the high road as much as you can, don't share any unnecessary info with either party (ie, mom doesn't need to know if you ever meet up with dad for lunch), and perhaps try to get mil in to see a counselor/therapist so she stops dumping on her son.

My dh's relationship with his dad has improved, now that it's several years out from the actual divorce. You're in the thick of it now - hopefully it will improve for you guys too.

[Anonymous]

Can you get counseling with your DH to start exploring where to draw some healthy boundaries?

MIL will destroy your marriage if allowed to continue like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you get counseling with your DH to start exploring where to draw some healthy boundaries?

MIL will destroy your marriage if allowed to continue like this.

I never really thought of counseling, but that might not be a terrible idea. Especially since it's so hard for me to express everything I'm thinking and feeling toward the situation due to not wanting to compromise his feelings s

[Anonymous]

Grandpa can go to hell, Grandma needs love, husband needs to tell them both to cut it out/work it out themselves and you need to stay out of it.

You have enough to do with a baby, let them fight it out.

BTW, this happened at my sister's in law's house. Grandpa got busted with a girlfriend that was 24. It tore that family apart. After the smoke cleared, Grandpa ended up with his young thang, Grandma got the house AND the family business, kids shunned their father.

When he died, none of them went to his funeral but that's the choice HE made. He put his dick above all else and ended up fucking himself.

He should have divorced his wife before cheating. Cheaters never win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get counseling with your DH to start exploring where to draw some healthy boundaries?

MIL will destroy your marriage if allowed to continue like this.

I never really thought of counseling, but that might not be a terrible idea. Especially since it's so hard for me to express everything I'm thinking and feeling toward the situation due to not wanting to compromise his feelings s

In addition to counseling for you and DH, see if you can get MIL some counseling too.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your poor mother in law.

Her husband of years left her and had a baby with a younger woman. She's probably terrified of being alone. Does she have any close friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get counseling with your DH to start exploring where to draw some healthy boundaries?

MIL will destroy your marriage if allowed to continue like this.

I never really thought of counseling, but that might not be a terrible idea. Especially since it's so hard for me to express everything I'm thinking and feeling toward the situation due to not wanting to compromise his feelings s

In addition to counseling for you and DH, see if you can get MIL some counseling too.

Best advice. Can this happen, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get counseling with your DH to start exploring where to draw some healthy boundaries?

MIL will destroy your marriage if allowed to continue like this.

I never really thought of counseling, but that might not be a terrible idea. Especially since it's so hard for me to express everything I'm thinking and feeling toward the situation due to not wanting to compromise his feelings s

In addition to counseling for you and DH, see if you can get MIL some counseling too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you get counseling with your DH to start exploring where to draw some healthy boundaries?

MIL will destroy your marriage if allowed to continue like this.

I never really thought of counseling, but that might not be a terrible idea. Especially since it's so hard for me to express everything I'm thinking and feeling toward the situation due to not wanting to compromise his feelings s

In addition to counseling for you and DH, see if you can get MIL some counseling too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Help your MIL find a great divorce attorney and counselor. And take her to her primary care doc--she might need an antidepressant to get through this.

Then draw some boundaries: "Mom/Brenda, we can't necessarily talk with you every day. We have a one month old baby. If we don't pick up, it's because of the baby. We will call you back by the next day or two."

DH needs to tell her when she goes in on Dad: "Mom, I can't be your counselor or your best friend here. He's my dad. I'm not going to speculate on what he is doing, nor am I going to be the middle man for any communication between to the two of you. It's not something you can ask of me."

If it gets to be too much, he can take a break from both of them. Say he's taking a couple weeks off to focus on his life and the baby, he'll check in then. And don't pick up the phone, set the parent's numbers to ring as silent.

Parent your baby as you normally would. Your MIL is going to be crazy for awhile, and new grandparenthood can make MILs crazy anyway. So take a step back and let this ride out. Once MIL and FIL figure out their new lives, there's plenty of time for them to bond with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandpa can go to hell, Grandma needs love, husband needs to tell them both to cut it out/work it out themselves and you need to stay out of it.

You have enough to do with a baby, let them fight it out.

BTW, this happened at my sister's in law's house. Grandpa got busted with a girlfriend that was 24. It tore that family apart. After the smoke cleared, Grandpa ended up with his young thang, Grandma got the house AND the family business, kids shunned their father.

When he died, none of them went to his funeral but that's the choice HE made. He put his dick above all else and ended up fucking himself.

He should have divorced his wife before cheating. Cheaters never win.

OMG I need to remember this. This is pure gold.