would you consider this a problem? skyping w/ inlaws

[Anonymous]

I would describe my relationship with DH's family as "fine" - not particularly warm but we are all friendly and there is nothing palpably wrong. Things were a little weird around our wedding and the aftermath (2.5 years ago), but that seems to have settled into the "fine"ness. It's hard to describe the dynamic, really.

Lately DH has taken to skyping with his family when I'm not around on the weekends - either showering or napping or doing an errand or something. I actually really dislike videochatting so from my perspective it's nice, I want the kids to get to know the extended family and I get out of it, so ... a win, right? But I worry that the family thinks I don't like them, or that it in some way sends a bad message. Like, DH's brother's wife is usually involved in the skypes when they happen, so I feel like it's noticeable that I'm missing. One of the wedding issues was basically both DH's family and me getting butthurt over feeling like the other didn't like us, so I'm pretty nervous about giving off this impression. I've talked to DH about arranging videochats in advance but he says that's just too hard to do, and it just seems to work out better when there's downtime to give it a shot. And I guess this makes sense that the "downtime" happens more often when he's watching the kids and needs something to do because I'm out.

Is it acceptable to just not like videochat? Or should I make more of an effort?

[Anonymous]

Eh, they'll see you at some point in the background and see that you are still married. This is how it is with DH's family and we are on good terms.

[Anonymous]

What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Heck, no, this is not a problem. DH is managing communication with his family, as he should. Good for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's the problem?

If you think there isn't one, good

I'm just worried they think the reason I don't chat w/them is because I don't like them. That's not the case, the reason I don't chat w/them is because I don't like videochat. I don't really initiate videochat with my own family, for example, which means they never see the kids ... a separate issue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would describe my relationship with DH's family as "fine" - not particularly warm but we are all friendly and there is nothing palpably wrong. Things were a little weird around our wedding and the aftermath (2.5 years ago), but that seems to have settled into the "fine"ness. It's hard to describe the dynamic, really.

Lately DH has taken to skyping with his family when I'm not around on the weekends - either showering or napping or doing an errand or something. I actually really dislike videochatting so from my perspective it's nice, I want the kids to get to know the extended family and I get out of it, so ... a win, right? But I worry that the family thinks I don't like them, or that it in some way sends a bad message. Like, DH's brother's wife is usually involved in the skypes when they happen, so I feel like it's noticeable that I'm missing. One of the wedding issues was basically both DH's family and me getting butthurt over feeling like the other didn't like us, so I'm pretty nervous about giving off this impression. I've talked to DH about arranging videochats in advance but he says that's just too hard to do, and it just seems to work out better when there's downtime to give it a shot. And I guess this makes sense that the "downtime" happens more often when he's watching the kids and needs something to do because I'm out.

Is it acceptable to just not like videochat? Or should I make more of an effort?

Depends upon what culture you are from? In some cultures, ur DH's family may think you are uptight while in some culture they won't care

[Anonymous]

The fact that you used the word "butthurt" the in-laws are probably fine that you aren't in the conversations.

[Anonymous]

Not an issue from my perspective. It's my DH's job to manage the relationship with his family not mine. I never even considered participating in their video chats and I like my ILs! Enjoy the free time.

[Anonymous]

This is not a problem.

[Anonymous]

You've only been married 2.5 years and you have multiple kids already? Wha?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you used the word "butthurt" the in-laws are probably fine that you aren't in the conversations.

lol, it's not like I use that term in everyday life , just trying to keep it a bit light.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've only been married 2.5 years and you have multiple kids already? Wha?

we got pregnant with kid #1 shortly after engagement and put off the wedding. She was 1 at the wedding, and we had #2 a year after the wedding. It's been quite a hectic time.... only now settling in and having time to even contemplate relationship with ILs...

[Anonymous]

My SIL does this too and my parents wonder if she likes them. Anytime they call, she immediately passes the phone to my brother and leaves the room. She thinks she's giving them privacy, and my parents aren't sure how to ask her to stay.

To answer your question, yes, it's possible your in-laws think you are avoiding them. Anytime you want to improve the "fine-ness", you can. It just takes one person to make a baby step.

[Anonymous]

I mean this in the lightest way possible, but when people think about and over-analyze every little thing, these things tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies and/or people start to perceive more issues. Sounds like you and the inlaws are going this with each other, hence the "feeling" that you "don't like each other."

Make an effort to reach out to inlaws sometimes. A note, an email, a photo of the kids and you'll feel like you're doing what you can. If you're not around, you're not around.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's a problem. My husband often calls his family on Facetime with our son while I'm doing something else as a way to entertain himself and the toddler. I don't really participate so I'm generally just in the background if I'm in the room. However, if you want to be involved, just say something to your husband.