End of Life Care/ Getting Affairs in Order

[Anonymous]

My FIL was just diagnosed with a terminal disease. He is single and living independently. He is very stubborn, and his finances are in shambles. He does not currently have insurance, a will, a power of attorney, etc.. He lives 2 hours away. There is some family in the area, but his children live further away.

The point of my post is to gather as many suggestions as possible as to what needs to be done. We have a meeting set up with a Social Worker to figure out the insurance bit. We have the name of a hospice to call. We have a lawyer we will set up a meeting with. And we finally have a doctor to meet with who gave the diagnosis.

Essentially, I don't want to miss something. Looking to hear from experienced individuals who might have some ideas of how to make this impossible situation somewhat easier to manage.

[Anonymous]

If you FIL has living children why are you setting up meetings with a Social Worker and wondering about the will? It's not your place to meddle.

[Anonymous]

She's not meddling she's being a team member. Go away.

Op, sounds like you're doing all you really can right now. One thing at a time. It'll get done.

Sport your going through this.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP hospice is a great service. Also the sw should be able to help. Make a list of all assets and debts to address.

[Anonymous]

When my mother was first diagnosed with terminal illness, she absolutely did not want to discuss a will right then. Make sure he wants that - sounds very intrusive to me but I guess your dynamic may be different. Hospice was a godsend, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP hospice is a great service. Also the sw should be able to help. Make a list of all assets and debts to address.

We are currently going through this and hospice has very limited services. Twice a week bath and once a week nurse visit is what my Dad is currently receiving. We have to do everything else or put him in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

If his financial picture is very poor he may me able to qualify for medicare.

I would focus on reading a bit about end of life care and thinking about how you could facilitate a conversation about his wishes. Maybe you could get a clergy member or his favorite kid to help him work through a living will.

[Anonymous]

Get an elder law attorney. Kelly Thompson in Arlington is who we used. She is great.

[Anonymous]

Let the immediate family handle this. Have they asked for your help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the immediate family handle this. Have they asked for your help?

OP here. Absolutely letting immediate family handle it. Not sure how other family dynamics are- and to each their own- but my DH discusses most everything with me and asks for my input/opinion. I just wanted to gather information to share with him when he asks me my thoughts. If I thought he- or his sisters- did not want or value my opinion I would not say anything- but I would still be curious to know how others have handled their situations.

Thanks to everyone who offered advice on the situation. This is all new to my husband, his family, and me. I want to be a supportive spouse and have every intention of doing the best I can. That being said- I don't know what I am doing and I really need all the advice I can get.

[Anonymous]

BTDT recently twice. My advice, step back because you are not blood. I stayed in the background, never gave my opinion even when asked. Your husband and his family will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT recently twice. My advice, step back because you are not blood. I stayed in the background, never gave my opinion even when asked. Your husband and his family will figure it out.

I hear you- but here is a question. What about when the decisions impact you? What is the best way to handle it? Potential things like financial help, DH spending significant time away from me and the kids, whether FIL will spend any time living with us, etc. Some decisions will impact our whole family. Is it ok to offer an opinion in these instances?

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP. Sometimes the 'blood' relations are paralyzed by the diagnosis, fall into grief and are unable to act. Gather information and share if with your DH, but I would not suggest interacting with his siblings at this point. What's his life expectancy? Weeks, months, years? Be careful with sentimental items and don't start 'organizing' too much. That makes old men nervous!

Frankly, I would not involve hospice until he is weeks from death, or even days. My 3 experiences with hospice have been mixed. Start with a social worker, and maybe consult with hospice, but don't call them in until everyone is in agreement.

[Anonymous]

I'll try to post more tomorrow. Disclosure: I work P/T for hospice.

If a doctor is suggesting hospice, then it IS time for hospice. Doctors wait way too long before having this conversation. The patient is often unable to take advantage of the support that could have been provided had they gone on hospice a few weeks earlier. When there is enough time, the process of this final journey can be beautiful, in spite of the utter exhaustion of it for all family caregivers. The average stay on hospice is less than 8 days in my state. It's barely enough time to get the patient comfortable medically at home.There is no time to have some of the conversations that could make this a peaceful and meaningful time for all, as the body and mind are already shutting down. Early referral is a good thing. If you keep on living or get better or decide to go back to curative treatment, well, then you "graduate" from hospice. That happens!

The hospice social worker and nurses will be able to give you a sense of what to expect as life comes to a close. They do not provide the round the clock care (you'll need to hire help for that if it exceeds what you can do), but the nurses come daily toward the end. The social worker will help with questions you have now, and the ones you think of later. They can contact the funeral home and make the arrangements that you want. The chaplain can assist with emotional support for all generations in the family. 90% of what these chaplains do is not specifically "religious," unless that is requested by the family. Hospice volunteers can provide much needed respite. Our hospice has a massage therapist and a music therapist that can come to the house.

The Op's questions are very appropriate and are consistent with what we see with our most functional families. There is usually one or two relatives (not necessarily genetically related to the patient) who are able to step up, ask questions, gather information, and help move things forward in an emotionally draining time for all. It takes a village, and not every adult son or daughter is able to cope. A daughter in law with compassion and helpfulness, like OP, is very valuable to the team effort. I cannot emphasize enough that this will be a team effort.

If I think of more, I'll post tomorrow. For now, OP, blessings to you and your father-in-law as you begin the process of allowing his life to come to a peaceful close.