My mother is driving me crazy!

[Anonymous]

Background:

I'm not American. She comes to visit for 5 or 6 months at a time. When she is here I financially support us. She helps with my child during the summer. When she is at home I send money because her pension is not enough to live on. I'm happy to do that, and appreciate the help when she is here. I don't ask her to stay as long as she does. That was her idea.

Situation:

When she is here, she feels that she an equal to me when it comes to parenting my child. Every time I talk to my son about anything she gets involved "what was that? What are you talking about?" Even my son has two parents present and "parenting" she gets in the middle of it. Often she plays the good cop. I literally cannot have a single conversation with my child without her commentary. Her presence alone stresses me out to the point where I'm snipping at everyone. For example, at dinner tonight, my son was asking me for something and I said whatever I said. My mother comes from the kitchen and starts asking what the issue is. I told her not to worry about it, that I'm handling it. She gets all pissed off and says I don't have to speak to her in that tone (my tone sucked I admit). I told her my tone is not the issue and that when I'm at home she can just relax and let me be the parent. Her response is that she can't just "turn it off." What the hell? Yes, you can. I'm at home. I'll parent my child. Then she proceeds to criticize my parenting by saying my son will remember and harbor resentment towards me. I'm not a perfect parent, but my son is not lacking in anything he needs (including love). I'm fucking ready to put her on the next plane back.

Thanks it. End of rant.

[Anonymous]

1. Your mother is staying for too long - half a year is way too long to stay.
2. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be in the role of grandma. Maybe look for some books on it for her to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Your mother is staying for too long - half a year is way too long to stay.
2. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be in the role of grandma. Maybe look for some books on it for her to read.

Agree on both points. She would never read a book. She knows everything.

[Anonymous]

Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your mother is staying for too long - half a year is way too long to stay.
2. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be in the role of grandma. Maybe look for some books on it for her to read.

Agree on both points. She would never read a book. She knows everything.

Then she needs to leave. Two week or one month trip? Okay. No more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

I do, I insist all the time. I've made a nice life for myself all by myself. The problem is that she puts this major guilt trip on me every time I tell her she is staying too long.

[Anonymous]

That is waaay too long a visit. I understand wanting to visit for more than a week when coming from overseas, but 6 months is too long.

Also you need to be able to speak your mind before you blow up. It sounds like you keep everything inside until it leaks out and explodes. You need to have a calm conversation with your mother where you explain the problem. If she refuses to change, so be it and cut the visits short or drop them altogether, but you need to learn to speak up rather than blow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your mother is staying for too long - half a year is way too long to stay.
2. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be in the role of grandma. Maybe look for some books on it for her to read.

Agree on both points. She would never read a book. She knows everything.

Then she needs to leave. Two week or one month trip? Okay. No more than that.

I really think so too (this is OP). That will mean our relationship will never be the same. However, it might get damaged more if she stays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

I do, I insist all the time. I've made a nice life for myself all by myself. The problem is that she puts this major guilt trip on me every time I tell her she is staying too long.

You don't have to take the guilt trip. That's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is waaay too long a visit. I understand wanting to visit for more than a week when coming from overseas, but 6 months is too long.

Also you need to be able to speak your mind before you blow up. It sounds like you keep everything inside until it leaks out and explodes. You need to have a calm conversation with your mother where you explain the problem. If she refuses to change, so be it and cut the visits short or drop them altogether, but you need to learn to speak up rather than blow up.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I do bottle it up until I've finally had enough and then I blow up. Hence the tone issue every time. We never get to talk because she deflects with "your tone is unacceptable." Or "I'm older and you can't talk to me like that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

I do, I insist all the time. I've made a nice life for myself all by myself. The problem is that she puts this major guilt trip on me every time I tell her she is staying too long.

You don't have to take the guilt trip. That's on you.

Very, very true. That is on me.

[Anonymous]

Op - - she needs friends! Friends here. She's here often enough! An organized group of other older ladies of her cultural backround (think of it as daycare!) Relatives don't count. I would work very hard to see what groups/organizations there are.

[Anonymous]

A nanny share! Can she babysit other kids along with yours in the summer? Water-down the dynamic. There's just too much intensity as it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your mother is staying for too long - half a year is way too long to stay.
2. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be in the role of grandma. Maybe look for some books on it for her to read.

Agree on both points. She would never read a book. She knows everything.

Then she needs to leave. Two week or one month trip? Okay. No more than that.

I'd have her in for three months for summer break. Might as well make it useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

I do, I insist all the time. I've made a nice life for myself all by myself. The problem is that she puts this major guilt trip on me every time I tell her she is staying too long.

You need to learn to be passive aggressive. Buy her tickets for specific dates that are shorter. Refuse to change them because it's too expensive. Make plans to be out of town to see the other relatives JUST after the date that she is supposed to leave.