My mother is driving me crazy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is waaay too long a visit. I understand wanting to visit for more than a week when coming from overseas, but 6 months is too long.

Also you need to be able to speak your mind before you blow up. It sounds like you keep everything inside until it leaks out and explodes. You need to have a calm conversation with your mother where you explain the problem. If she refuses to change, so be it and cut the visits short or drop them altogether, but you need to learn to speak up rather than blow up.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I do bottle it up until I've finally had enough and then I blow up. Hence the tone issue every time. We never get to talk because she deflects with "your tone is unacceptable." Or "I'm older and you can't talk to me like that."

"No Mom. YOU can't talk to ME this way in MY house. I'M in charge here. He is MY son, with Harry. Not my son with YOU. Harry and I are in charge here. I'm sorry if you don't like that, but it IS the case." Backbone, OP. Use it!

[Anonymous]

Take her out to dinner, just you two, maybe your husband if that seems to work for you, and say:
Mom, it is so wonderful to have you here visiting and helping out with the kids, we are grateful for all you do for us. There have been some challenges however in the way situations have been handed with the kids that I fear are causing a lot of tension and stress in our relationship. I am the parent of Larlo/Larla and when I am home I need to be the one that handles any issues or discipline or discussions with the kids. Please so not contradict what I say or do with them. Your putting yourself in the middle of things makes me feel (you fill it in) and cannot continue. You are a gift to this family,
But
this has to change, or we will have to rethink having you stay with us for such and extended time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

I do, I insist all the time. I've made a nice life for myself all by myself. The problem is that she puts this major guilt trip on me every time I tell her she is staying too long.

You don't have to accept her guilt trip. She can try it, but you don't have to take it. You can say things like, "I've told you my views and that is the end of my discussing it." If she keeps going, leave the room. Next time, before she comes, tell her that the visit will only last for 1 month (or whatever is acceptable to you) and stick to it. If she tries the guilt, "You don't love me! After all I've sacrificed for you!" You can say, "Of course I love you and appreciate all you've done for me. That is not the issue. I want to continue to have a good relationship with you and the long visits are damaging our relationship. The visit will be for 1 month (or whatever)." Then stick to it. You can do it!!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she is bored. Why not move her to the US full time? Then she can make friends, get a job, and have things to think about other than your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because you will never insist on being in charge of all decisions affecting your own life, due to cultural norms, I guess all you can do is rant. I am sorry though.

I do, I insist all the time. I've made a nice life for myself all by myself. The problem is that she puts this major guilt trip on me every time I tell her she is staying too long.

You don't have to accept her guilt trip. She can try it, but you don't have to take it. You can say things like, "I've told you my views and that is the end of my discussing it." If she keeps going, leave the room. Next time, before she comes, tell her that the visit will only last for 1 month (or whatever is acceptable to you) and stick to it. If she tries the guilt, "You don't love me! After all I've sacrificed for you!" You can say, "Of course I love you and appreciate all you've done for me. That is not the issue. I want to continue to have a good relationship with you and the long visits are damaging our relationship. The visit will be for 1 month (or whatever)." Then stick to it. You can do it!!

OP here - I think shorter visits are the only answer. We have had many conversations over the years where I told her what bothered me and she refuses to change. I think it boils down to that she does not see me as an autonomous adult who has her own home and family. Somehow she is still parenting me. Part of is that I left when I was still a teenager and before I had my son we would see each other maybe once/year for a few days. So she never got to "see" me become an adult. Add a sprinkle of control freak to it and we have a full blown disaster every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she is bored. Why not move her to the US full time? Then she can make friends, get a job, and have things to think about other than your child?

I can't afford it. There is no way I can afford a separate place for her if she were to move here. She would never be able to find a job that would pay enough to support herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Your mother is staying for too long - half a year is way too long to stay.
2. It sounds like she doesn't know how to be in the role of grandma. Maybe look for some books on it for her to read.

Agree on both points. She would never read a book. She knows everything.

Then she needs to leave. Two week or one month trip? Okay. No more than that.

I really think so too (this is OP). That will mean our relationship will never be the same. However, it might get damaged more if she stays.

Tell her she either needs to back down or her visits will be short (or non-existent). Not exactly the same situation since we all live in the same country, but my sister basically told my mom that with her first. I'm, luckily, the beneficiary of this stance since my mom has never been so intrusive with me as she initially was with my sister. She also backed down with my sister almost immediately. You are the gateway to her grandkid; if you don't like the way she's handling grandparenting, you get to prevent her from doing so.