Age appropriate way to explain domestic abuse to a 9 year old ?

[Anonymous]

My friend who's just left an abusive situation with his husband is staying with us.
Tonight we were talking together and he broke down and I was comforting him and reassuring him he was doing the right thing. I said the words " ABC might be true, but that didn't give " J" the right to hurt you are to hit you."

Didn't realize my 9 year old had gotten out of bed, but he had and overheard this exchange.

9 year old loved both of his uncles dearly and has been asking when Uncle J will be coming to visit. My husband and I didn't tell them much, just that my friend would be coming to visit for a little while. We did end up telling them they were getting divorced. They have friends with divorced parents and divorced relatives, so they know divorce means they don't live together anymore. We didn't explain why and kind of deflected questions about J visiting.

I did go to talk to DS about it. He asked me why I was saying mean things and lying about J. I told him I was sorry he heard me say the things I did , but that it was true that J had hurt my friend. He didn't want to hear that and didn't want to talk about it, and he pretty much went back to bed.

I'm sure I handled that poorly.

My husband thinks we should let it be and answer the questions as they come up, or let friend field some of them. I'm not sure how I feel about that approach. I definitely don't think it's appropriate to expect friend to explain anything.

Try talking him to tomorrow or wait it out?

Would appreciate some tips on discussing the topic.

[Anonymous]

It's a great learning lesson - people generally don't believe survivors. Abusive men and women hide behind their charm. That it takes real courage to leave and abuse is not a stigma or lie that someone would make up. That it is a devastating process for the survivor to heal.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But what do I tell him? The resources I'm finding are all for kids who were abused or have witnessed abuse.

[Anonymous]

You tell him that J got angry and hit your friend, and that thats not ok. Its not ok for kids to hit each other and its not ok for adults either. When that happens its time for them to be apart. Then see if he has further questions.

[Anonymous]

He didn't seem to want to talk about it last night. I'm thinking I'll bring it up to him again later today or tomorrow .


Would it be a good time to speak to my 11 and 7 year old bout this too or just wait and see if they ask?

[Anonymous]

I am right, that I should tell the kids not to ask my friend about any of this right?

[Anonymous]

That's a tough one because your kid sees he's about to lose someone he loves. That's why he's mad. That's why he's accusing you of lying.

You could tell him that married couples argue, and that's normal. But if it gets physical, that's NOT normal and not acceptable. That means Uncle J isn't managing his anger well. It is very sad that they are divorcing and you all hope Uncle J learns to handle anger better.

I am assuming you won't be seeing Uncle J anymore? You need to figure out how to help your kids navigate the loss of him. That's really the issue for your kid, I'm afraid.

[Anonymous]

Maybe tell him that sometimes good people do bad things. That J is making a very hard decision in order to keep himself safe. That you hope Other Uncle will get help with controlling his anger. Tell him you know he must be feeling sad and confused and angry, and that's ok, and you feel sad, too. Ask if he has questions and tell him to come to you at any time. Also tel him that for now he shouldn't bring it up with J (especially if he's skeptical about what J is telling you!) but that at some point you'll let him know when it's OK to approach J about it.

I'd talk to all of your kids, but maybe separately?

[Anonymous]

Thank you pps for the advice. DH and I talked to all the kids yesterday.

Just saying that Uncle J had made bad decisions and had hurt my friend. Friend was living with us right now because he can't live with uncle J. That because of his bad choices we wouldn't be able to see J anymore . We told them it was ok to feel confused, sad, angry, and even to miss J.
We told them that friend uncle is very sad right now and they shouldn't talk to him about J and should do their best to be nice to him.

To talk to us if they had any questions. I think it was harder on us as parents than us as kids.

11 year old was upset we didn't " tell the truth from the start"


Not sure how much the 7 year old comprehended.

9 year old still doesn't want to believe that J was" mean" to friend uncle.

[Anonymous]

If there were an easy answer to this, you would have done that.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. It's good you didn't sweep this under the rug.