How do you deal with a high drama family?

[Anonymous]

My ILs are divorced and one is remarried. Everything is a super high drama, fighting, backstabbing crazy fest all of the time with the whole immediate family. DH has had it and wants to cut them off completely. I always just try to keep the peace for the sake of the kids. I have tried to address the dynamic a few times in the past and everyone in the family seems to be OK with the way it is. Are there any coping strategies that we can use to deal with this? It has really caused a lot of stress to our family and our marriage. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I pretend I'm the only sane one and we're being filmed for a reality tv show, and I get paid a LOT of money to fulfill my role as The Sane One.

It works.

Having said that, this is your in-laws. If your husband wants to cut them off, then you should agree (at least temporarily).

[Anonymous]

You are choosing these toxic, destructive people over your husband who loves you and your kids who need you and they deserve better. Cut them off for a year. If, at the end of that time, your life isn't calmer, happier and more peaceful, then you can make steps toward reunification.

[Anonymous]

It's DH's family and it's his call. If he wants to cut them out - support him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. Can anyone advise on the logistics of this? Like we just stop going to all family functions? Stop responding to calls/texts/emails/FB/Instagram? Or have some kind of grand statement that we're out? We can't move, we're solidly in place for the past 15 years and everyone lives relatively close by. How does this actually work (cutting people off?)?

[Anonymous]

When I cannot my family's drama, I cut them off for months at a time and they live 8 miles away. I just respond very minimally to them. "Can you come to dinner?" "Can't. We have plans. Thanks for asking." I ignore them on FB. They don't have IG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I cannot my family's drama, I cut them off for months at a time and they live 8 miles away. I just respond very minimally to them. "Can you come to dinner?" "Can't. We have plans. Thanks for asking." I ignore them on FB. They don't have IG.

We have definitely gone down this road and actually it creates more drama. Why are you blowing us off? Why didn't you like my photo on FB? Why did you like my photo but not write a comment on my photo? etc. Frankly, it is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Their behavior has to be be worthy of companionship.

Don't "cut-off" that sounds classless and immature. Find a rhythm, an amount of contact that works for you - and it need only work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's DH's family and it's his call. If he wants to cut them out - support him.

+1

And why would you expose your kids to these people on a regular basis? Unless there are cousins that they have a relationship with, I can't see any reason to maintain ties with a family that's so toxic.

[Anonymous]

Let him cut them off. They are toxic and who likes their ILs anyway?

[Anonymous]

MY IL's are super high drama and I haven't figure out how to deal with it yet. We've been married 10 years, together 18.

[Anonymous]

Mine are high drama and I'm trying to figure it out. The trouble spot for us is that DH does not particularly consider them to be high drama. It's what he is used to. I limit contact and set expectations extremely low. I presume that someone will be irrational or difficult, and my expectations are always met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I cannot my family's drama, I cut them off for months at a time and they live 8 miles away. I just respond very minimally to them. "Can you come to dinner?" "Can't. We have plans. Thanks for asking." I ignore them on FB. They don't have IG.

We have definitely gone down this road and actually it creates more drama. Why are you blowing us off? Why didn't you like my photo on FB? Why did you like my photo but not write a comment on my photo? etc. Frankly, it is exhausting.

You need to discover your mask of obliviousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I cannot my family's drama, I cut them off for months at a time and they live 8 miles away. I just respond very minimally to them. "Can you come to dinner?" "Can't. We have plans. Thanks for asking." I ignore them on FB. They don't have IG.

We have definitely gone down this road and actually it creates more drama. Why are you blowing us off? Why didn't you like my photo on FB? Why did you like my photo but not write a comment on my photo? etc. Frankly, it is exhausting.

I simply don't respond. If they call, I don't answer. If they text, I either don't respond at all or respond tersely with one or two words.

Why are you blowing us off?
(Several hours later) Work is busy.
Does that mean you don't have time for your mother?
...

Did you see the picture I posted on FB?
(Several hours later) No.
You should look! It is so cute. Why haven't you liked it?
...

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope. Any "fighting" discussion can only continue if you keep answering questions or defending yourself. Ignore a good amount or just practice saying things like "I'm sorry you feel that way". Don't respond to texts. Stop ALL FB/IG interaction at all. Explain it seems to upset people if you don't do it right, so instead you will just not like/comment on anything. Feel free to hide them even so you aren't tempted.

Then just drift. Be unavailable, be non-committal. You and your DH can get on the same page with this. Be a united front in how you deal with it. When you feel like you can take it, invite them over and be friendly. However, if they choose to take your drifting as rejection and freak out, that's not your problem.

Control what you can control, let the rest slide.