If you are a mom and close to your grown son...

[Anonymous]

Can you tell me about your good relationship and how you encouraged it? I have one young son. I have a close relationship with my mom but...I'm a daughter. He will be my only and he's growing up so fast. What advice do you have for having a great relationship with your son?

[Anonymous]

My DH has a very close relationship to his mom (closer than I do with my mom TBH). I think that she does a good job avoiding meddling (which my mom can't do) and doesn't give her opinion on things (like girlfriends (in the past obviously), life choices etc- unless asked). She is very considerate and caring but she doesn't smother him or treat him like a child (I've had exes whose mothers did this and it made the relationship seem childish).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a very close relationship to his mom (closer than I do with my mom TBH). I think that she does a good job avoiding meddling (which my mom can't do) and doesn't give her opinion on things (like girlfriends (in the past obviously), life choices etc- unless asked). She is very considerate and caring but she doesn't smother him or treat him like a child (I've had exes whose mothers did this and it made the relationship seem childish).

Do you like your MIL?

[Anonymous]

I have a son about to graduate college. I try very hard to let him come to me with questions or for advice. It's hard. I don't want to smother him as a previous poster said, but I also do want to pop in and let him know I'm there for him anytime he needs me. We chat a few times a week and he is very open with me about his life and career search and women. But... he is still very young and hasn't really started out in life yet so we will see. Also have younger sons. I'm much closer with them

[Anonymous]

Someone just did a thread on this. There were some good answers.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I read the other thread and as a mom of three boys, it totally depressed me. It's like "don't tell them what you're thinking and defer to daughter in law." Anyone else feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I read the other thread and as a mom of three boys, it totally depressed me. It's like "don't tell them what you're thinking and defer to daughter in law." Anyone else feel this way?

I've got two boys (teens) and I love them with all of my heart. I have a close relationship with them and hope that we always will remain close. BUT I am raising my boys to be good men who will be able to make good decisions for themselves. Once they are all grown up and out of my house, married with a family of their own it will not be my place to intrude into their marriage/family with my unsolicited opinions and advice.

If they ever need me or ask for my opinion I will be here for them. But I hope that I will never be considered a meddler because I really do not admire that or want that trait in myself. I do hope to make my home a place that they (my boys and their wives/kids) will want to visit with their families. I do hope that I can get to know any future grandkids. But that is still a ways off for me.

[Anonymous]

I think realizing that grown men might have a different idea of what "close" means than women.

My DH doesn't really do chit chat or family gossip. He isn't one to call someone on the phone to chat. He's terrible at gift giving. But he shows up when it counts. He spends quality time. He's invested in his parent's well being and loves them. I think he's really wonderful about helping them with anything they need, being present during health issues and in general being plugged into their lives.

My MIL likes to spend a lot of time comparing him to his sister, who lives closer and relies on her for daily child care. So nothing he does is good enough. He doesn't spend enough time, doesn't call enough, doesn't tell her enough. She thinks he's not as invested in the family simply because he makes choices that are best for his current nuclear family (me and kids) and not best for HER.

However, he lets a lot of it roll off his back. He loves her, he does his best, he knows that, so he sort of just lets her wring her hands about stuff and he just ignores it. That drives me crazy, but I try to stay out of it like a good DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I read the other thread and as a mom of three boys, it totally depressed me. It's like "don't tell them what you're thinking and defer to daughter in law." Anyone else feel this way?

I have 3 boys, too, and I agree with this but don't find it at all depressing. Why would you want your kids - who you have hopefully raised to be free-thinking, responsible adults - to rely on you into adulthood. This would apply equally if you had daughters and sons. The difference, I think, is that with adult daughters there is more opportunity for closeness because adult women can sit for hours, in person or on the phone, shooting the shit so to speak. You will have a different type of relationship with your adult son, but hopefully will like (at least one of) the women your sons choose as wives and maybe have a more chatty relationship with your DIL.

My MIL's big mistake as a MIL has been 1) constantly asserting her opinion as the alpha opinion, even for things that concern my husband and my family; and 2) putting my husband in a position where he needs to choose between me and her (a silly example, but I will say "we are thinking of taking the kids skiing next year" and she will say, oh, husband will never get on skis, I guarantee it" to which my husband rolls his eyes, but its annoying and sets up every little thing as a competition. Those types of comments undermine your sons ability to be an adult and will force your DIL to distance herself from you.

Remember that, assuming you had kids in your 30s, and your kids have kids in their 30's, you will not be dealing with this until you are 70 years old! Try to focus on the time you have with your boys now, teach them to respect you and all others, help them build their confidence, encourage them to find their passion. In the meantime, work on developing relationships with your own friends, independent of your kids. When you are 70 and retired you do not want to be the Mom who hangs around your kids all day - regardless of your children's sex!

[Anonymous]

I would love to be able to hang out with my grown kids from time to time. Not a thing in the world wrong with doing that. I will, as always, have my own life too.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman with two sons whose husband is close to his mom (and I'm close to her also - my own parents are deceased). My kids are little still, but I know that what makes his mom great, to him and to me, is her total confidence in us as parents and as a couple. She doesn't give her opinion unless asked. She is thoughtful, responsive, and never pushy.

To be fair, we are great to her as well. It goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I read the other thread and as a mom of three boys, it totally depressed me. It's like "don't tell them what you're thinking and defer to daughter in law." Anyone else feel this way?

This is correct. You provide your opinion only when asked, and you do not do anything to undermine the relationship between your son and his wife. And, your sons hopefully won't say "oh DW wants to do X, what do you think." They'll be a unified front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman with two sons whose husband is close to his mom (and I'm close to her also - my own parents are deceased). My kids are little still, but I know that what makes his mom great, to him and to me, is her total confidence in us as parents and as a couple. She doesn't give her opinion unless asked. She is thoughtful, responsive, and never pushy.

To be fair, we are great to her as well. It goes both ways.

This made me smile -- thanks for posting, PP. I'm close to my two grown sons (as well as my teen DD); the oldest, who's in med school, just got engaged to his GF of several years -- she's lovely and fun and smart. DH and I have a good relationship with her, and I hope we'll continue to enjoy her friendship, as they build a life and family together. With all our kids, as they've gotten older, we've been very conscious of respecting their independence. Like your MIL, if we're asked for advice or help, we're there for our kids, but we tread very lightly. Mostly, we listen and show interest in their lives and friends as we would with our own peers. We also learn from them and ask for their opinions and advice -- that's actually one of the really fun things about having older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a very close relationship to his mom (closer than I do with my mom TBH). I think that she does a good job avoiding meddling (which my mom can't do) and doesn't give her opinion on things (like girlfriends (in the past obviously), life choices etc- unless asked). She is very considerate and caring but she doesn't smother him or treat him like a child (I've had exes whose mothers did this and it made the relationship seem childish).

Do you like your MIL?

I'm this PP. Yes, I have quite a close relationship with my MIL. She exasperates me sometimes but who doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman with two sons whose husband is close to his mom (and I'm close to her also - my own parents are deceased). My kids are little still, but I know that what makes his mom great, to him and to me, is her total confidence in us as parents and as a couple. She doesn't give her opinion unless asked. She is thoughtful, responsive, and never pushy.

To be fair, we are great to her as well. It goes both ways.

Yes to the bold! This sort of nails why my MIL grates me sometimes. She really doesn't WANT us to survive without her. She has a lot of resentment that we are high functioning and happy without NEEDING her in some sort of very tangible way.

I'd love it if she could find some confidence in us as parents and people. But instead, she thrives on being needed, so the more stunted we are, the more she can thrive.

SIGH. Am filing this in my back pocket for when I'm a MIL. "Confidence in my kid".