Bar/Bat Mitzvah attendance
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Anonymous
| We are not Jewish but my daughter has recently been invited to no less than 6 bar/bat mitzvahs. All but one of these are for children that are simply classmates, meaning there is no socializing outside of school and I've never met the parents. The issue is that according to the invitations they begin at 9 or 10 am and there is some sort of lunch, bus transport to a party and we are to pick them up at say 5 or 6 pm! I know that the services are lengthy and this is a big deal to them, but is my child really expected to spend 8-9 hours on this event for a child that is not a close friend or family friend? If not - how do we manage it when the invitation doesn't specify when the party begins? Or should she just not go if she isn't willing to give the full business day? For the one that we are friends with, of course she will go but really, the time commitment seems excessive for acquaintances. |
Anonymous
| I can only speak of my experience with my brother. He was highly offended as was his wife when any one (child or adult) rsvp'd to attend only the party and not the entire day's event. I do not agree with this but am not Jewish. He still is outspoken of his disappointment and disgust in those who did not commit the entire day to his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. He claims that it is disrespectful of the faith. |
Anonymous
| Yes, it's rude to attend only the party and not the actual ceremony. Think of it like if you were invited to a wedding but the time commitment felt like too much so you decide to only attend the reception. Rude, right? If you don't want to go, just don't go. They're inviting the full class to be inclusive and polite, there's no requirement to attend. |
Anonymous
| Not true, my kids had friends with sporting events in the morning and other friends who could not attend in the evening. He can go to whatever he can. If you have questions email the parents. We understand that most kids have at least one activity on a Saturday and can only come to part of the event. Not rude at all. I appreciated when the effort was made to attend any part of it because everyone is busy. |
Anonymous
| Unless you have a good reason, it is preferable to go to both, but do what you can. Even if the friend isn't close, it seems like all or most of the class is invited, and its a bigger social thing that could be fun. |
Anonymous
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It is interesting to go to the service. My kids always enjoyed the experience. For a Christian kid the services are very different but also familiar in tone. It is not boring and the kids all sit together.
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Anonymous
+1. My Catholic 13yo DS was invited to a bunch this year. We made him go to all the services, to be respectful and to broaden his horizons, but in almost each case the ceremony was separate from the party, so it was not an all day thing. A lot of the kids had sports, etc., during the day so missed the ceremony, but no one (to my knowledge) thought anything about it. The kid getting the Bat/Bar Mitzvah was no doubt more interested in filling up the party than filling up the temple. The parents -- not so sure how they felt. |
Anonymous
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The service is about two hours. Then there's a mini reception at the temple (not everyone attending the temple service is there about the bar/bat mitzvah child - the service is a regular Saturday morning Shabbat service that accommodates the bar/bat mitzvah child), then there's some time before the cocktail hour at the reception place and then a 4 hour party.
It is VERY uncool to skip the service and just go to the party. |
Anonymous
| I dated someone for a while who was jewish. Went to a few bar and bat mitzhahs with him. At a couple he remarked that there were far more classmates at the party than the service and how rude an inappropriate that was. |
Anonymous
| I would just decline the invite if the child is not close to the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child and the times don't work for your schedule. I would not just go to the party unless there is a specific conflict to the service and I would let the parents know that on the RSVP. Your child could however just go to the service and skip the party to have more time on her day. |
Anonymous
It is 100% acceptable to do that. The service is the main event. The party is a celebration of completion of the service. |
Anonymous
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Well I'm Jewish as are most of our friends and I don't recall a single person EVER being offended if someone came to the party and not the service. We get that it's a lot of time to commit and are happy for any participation whatsoever. And we can't always attend every service either.
Bottom line is I would have your child attend whatever he or she can. The bar/bat mitzvah kid is so incredibly nervous during the service they are just as happy when fewer friends attend, but they want as many friends at the reception as possible. |
Anonymous
My child has done this if she does not think she will know many people at the party because it is someone who goes to a different school etc. Just goes to the service.. |
Anonymous
| The service is the main event, though, the kids believe the party is the main event. Apparently some adults agree with the kids. |
Anonymous
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I had lots of Jewish friends growing up (I'm not Jewish) and was never invited to a single Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
Sounds like a modern day gift grab to me. |