Do you trust your mom or MIL to watch your infant if you opt for WOHM?

[Anonymous]

We are in the process of shopping for a home and where we have been looking has been all over the place. We want to start narrowing down to realistic options and consider what child care costs would amount to and how much family can help out if I stay in the work force.

I am torn between buying near my parents home which would allow my mom to help out, but I don't like her parenting/grandparenting style. She is very big on spoiling the child rather than being able to follow directions as asked by the parents. I have witnessed this first hand with my brother and SIL when they bring my nephew over to my parent's house for a visit.

And the other option is buying out of state, close to my in-laws and trusting my MIL to help with child care. She was an elementary school teacher for 30 years and has tons of experience raising kids. She raised her 2 boys as a SAHM for a couple of years before the youngest went to school. She too would spoil the grandchild but perhaps less so to the extent of my mom.

Both grandfathers are fun, but very much old school non-hands-on child care so it doesn't make a huge difference for their involvement in the decision.

This decision has been brutal on our decision for house shopping. We have homes we love in both states, but just don't know which is the best option for us.

Have others been in this situation where it one grandparent set makes sense over the other?

[Anonymous]

Are they willing to provide full time child care? My mom had promised and when it came time, didn't. Where are your jobs? Can you compromise and go half way in-between? So you split days between grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I would not rely on grandparents as full time child care unless you are willing to compensate them or they are willing to do it without compensation and acknowledge they are still working for you.

My mother was begging me to let her be our nanny as she had recently retired and wouldn't use anything, but I also knew she had a ton of trips planned. Once I pointed out how hard it is around here to get a daycare spot and how inconvenient it would be to have to use a back up care place so that she could play nanny, she backed off. Now she takes DS for weekends or when we travel, and it works out much better. She gets to be the hero and we have reliable child care that meets our demands and style.

[Anonymous]

Believe it or not my father watched DS full time. My mother was still working and he was retired.

It worked out really well. He and DS are best buddies now.

So as long as the parent is aware they have to be in all the way then move near that parent.

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend getting whatever modest house that would allow you to do the full time care.

Good infant care is extremely expensive, IF you can find it. Believe me.

[Anonymous]

We used both at one time or another for full time care. But that had to do with the traits inherent in both women, not just our relationships with them. I would recommend someone hire either of them to nanny, in the event they wanted to turn it into a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe it or not my father watched DS full time. My mother was still working and he was retired.

It worked out really well. He and DS are best buddies now.

So as long as the parent is aware they have to be in all the way then move near that parent.

Same here. My dad watched DD. now Mom is retired and they watch the kids together.

[Anonymous]

I would never count on the grandparents for full time childcare. Filling in as backup? Sure. But all day, every day> No way in hell.

[Anonymous]

Gee, who is worthy of doing this favor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never count on the grandparents for full time childcare. Filling in as backup? Sure. But all day, every day> No way in hell.

+1

Not fair to the grandparents frankly. You would need a lot of leave to make this work.

[Anonymous]

My mom took care of both our kids until they transitioned to preschool. I trust my mom completely. Sure she might not do everything like how I want but she is better than most care givers since she really loves her grandkids. She moved from out of state into our home in order to do this and only occasionally sees my dad as a result. My MIL, hell no. She only babysat one day for us and was totally not willing to do it again. She left with the baby in soiled diapers that was completely overfilled. She also wondered why we weren't home from work at 3. However, she always says how lucky my mom is to watch over the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gee, who is worthy of doing this favor?

A paid childcare provider!
OP is so picky and I'll bet is not planning on compensating either mother for this work!

[Anonymous]

OP - Depending on the ages of the grandparents, it is important to realize that even on a healthy older person caring for an infant and especially a toddler can have a physical toll. I have seen two cases of friends who have had to have knee operations in their 60s exacerbated by full-time care of toddlers. Also remember that if you are moving close to either set of in-laws to help you out that you and DH will be front line helpers as grandparents have health issues themselves so be open for that reciprocal expectation, too. To be fair to either set of grandparents, you and DH need to talk with them about what "your expectations" for any child care might be, especially if you have not been working full-time , and what their expectations might be. I know another couple who are so supportive of their grown children that they have provided childcare all the way through to the extent that even in retirement, they only take a two week vacation to go out of state for family reunions because that is all the vacation their grown child and SIL get AND these are older children now. I think they are more than being taken advantage of. There is no reason why the grown children could not find summer camps or other child care arrangements in the summer to encourage their parents to travel a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom took care of both our kids until they transitioned to preschool. I trust my mom completely. Sure she might not do everything like how I want but she is better than most care givers since she really loves her grandkids. She moved from out of state into our home in order to do this and only occasionally sees my dad as a result. My MIL, hell no. She only babysat one day for us and was totally not willing to do it again. She left with the baby in soiled diapers that was completely overfilled. She also wondered why we weren't home from work at 3. However, she always says how lucky my mom is to watch over the grandkids.

Sorry but that is crazy. I would be embarrassed to ask such a thing of my parents. I'm so happy that they are in the happiest years of their lives, enjoying ALL of their grandchildren, traveling, golfing, etc…..this is insane.

OP, its a lot to ask of someone in their 60's or 70's to give up their life m-f to watch your child. I'd not be willing to do this were it me. I'd really consider what you are asking, and for how many years you are asking this of someone/what happens if you have a second child etc before moving forward.

[Anonymous]

My newborn/infant yes! I just spent a weekend with my mom and she was great with her. But after about 1 I wouldn't burden them with it and I would want to find a caregiver that aligns with my parenting style. The patience required to hold, feed, rock and calm a newborn is not the same as rules etc for a toddler and my mom would get frustrated with that.
Now my mother is just barely 60 and super active so she can probably handle the physicality of a little one all day. My mil can't since she's a decade older. In my case both are still working and enjoying their jobs so this is purely hypothetical but both love being backup caregivers for a couple hours here and there.