Tween sneaking and hiding food

[Anonymous]

Over the last few months our 12 yo DD has been hiding stashes of candy wrappers, ice cream wrappers and other junk food wrappers throughout our house. She seems to be eating food on the sly and trying to hide the evidence. Some of this food is coming into the house from us, and some of it is just part of her Halloween (or whatever holiday) loot. At the same time she has gained enough weight that it's noticeable. We have tried several strategies, including telling her that she's going to attract bugs in her room, hiding the junk food from her, and talking to her about healthy choices. None of it works. She has always had a hard time limiting herself, even when she was younger, and she is definitely the kid who will polish off a whole bowl of chips or sweets and look for more. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

You must address the root cause of the problem. The overeating is the symptom. Maybe a good family therapist would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Stop buying so much junk food.
Don't give candy "loot" for holidays.
Feed her more healthy food and make it available all the time. Do not shame her when she takes food.
Do more activities as a family--get out of the house, play sports.

If you see other issues, therapy like PP mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Toss all the candy. Work out as a family bonding thing. Portion it out for her. She truly CAN'T control herself. You have to do it for her.

[Anonymous]

All you "just don't buy it!" just don't get it. This was me as a child and is me today - junk food is reward and a comfort that I seek to enjoy in private. You could put all the apples in the world out, I will still seek this outlet. I have very distinct childhood memories of being ridiculed for this compulsion.

I have recently restarted therapy to try and understand the compulsion. It's a combination of being 'perfect' to everyone, but indulging in something that isn't perfect; having control of what I wanted; engaging in a sneaky behavior like I wanted to get caught; it's like heroin to my brain - feels *so* good. In that sense it's a drug for me.

I honestly don't know what my parents could have done. If my mom tried to talk to me about it I'd be filled with shame and embarrassment but obviously ignoring it didn't help resolve itself! Maybe if they said just that "I wish I could talk with you about this but I'm afraid you think I'd be trying to shame or embarrass you. Compulsions come from a variety of reasons so why don't you talk with a counselor who can help you think through why you do this?"

[Anonymous]

15:55 poster here.

Wanted to add - good luck. Just by asking for advice you are thinking about your child.

[Anonymous]

15:55,

How did you have access to junk food at age 12 if it wasn't in your home? The, "just don't buy it," theory relies on a 12 year old not being able to eat junk food that isn't there. I rely on it for myself. I don't have chips or candy or cookies or soda or crap in my house because I will eat it. My child who cannot drive has no choice but to eat what I have for us at home. Her snack choices are apples, bananas, carrots, humus, or popcorn. I keep one kind of ice cream in the house that I won't eat. My daughter and my husband like it and sometimes have some after dinner. If my kid couldn't control herself, the ice cream wouldn't be there and we would have a dessert that I could make by individual portions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:55,

How did you have access to junk food at age 12 if it wasn't in your home? The, "just don't buy it," theory relies on a 12 year old not being able to eat junk food that isn't there. I rely on it for myself. I don't have chips or candy or cookies or soda or crap in my house because I will eat it. My child who cannot drive has no choice but to eat what I have for us at home. Her snack choices are apples, bananas, carrots, humus, or popcorn. I keep one kind of ice cream in the house that I won't eat. My daughter and my husband like it and sometimes have some after dinner. If my kid couldn't control herself, the ice cream wouldn't be there and we would have a dessert that I could make by individual portions.

Not the PP, but my sources of junk food were friends and the corner store. I think most 12 year olds have enough freedom that they could get to store to get some snacks one in a while, or at least give money to a friend who would get them snacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:55,

How did you have access to junk food at age 12 if it wasn't in your home? The, "just don't buy it," theory relies on a 12 year old not being able to eat junk food that isn't there. I rely on it for myself. I don't have chips or candy or cookies or soda or crap in my house because I will eat it. My child who cannot drive has no choice but to eat what I have for us at home. Her snack choices are apples, bananas, carrots, humus, or popcorn. I keep one kind of ice cream in the house that I won't eat. My daughter and my husband like it and sometimes have some after dinner. If my kid couldn't control herself, the ice cream wouldn't be there and we would have a dessert that I could make by individual portions.

Not the PP, but my sources of junk food were friends and the corner store. I think most 12 year olds have enough freedom that they could get to store to get some snacks one in a while, or at least give money to a friend who would get them snacks.

Exactly. When I was 12 (and even younger) I would ride my bike to the convenience store and get chips and candy bars. Not to mention, most of my neighborhood friends had parents that kept chips and sweets in the house.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your DC show signs of anxiety? Does she try to be perfect for you or others? Do you think she feels like she needs to be perfect for you to love her? How is she doing in school? Does she have friends?

[Anonymous]

Just don't buy it or have many snacks or desserts at home; this will limit consumption. Have some healthier snacks around for DC, or a very limited amount. If you live in a suburb where you have to drive everywhere (like I do now) it really helps.

Like other posters, I had this problem as a younger child and teenager and now I still have it as an adult. I also have anxiety, and just want to eat sugary, fattening comforting food to help anxiety. My parents also did the same thing (where I learned it), always had snacks in the house, and would fuss at me for eating alone or before they got home.

When I went on a healthy diet as an adult, without sugar, my anxiety went out of control. Consider that your DC may be self-medicating, for whatever reason, and be gentle.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, and particularly for those who offered their perspective as adults who have gone through this. We don't have a lot of junk food in the house, but she finds what we have and she also binges on healthier snacks. It's the secret eating in general that concerns me.

Any ideas on how to talk to emerging teens about impulse control without making them feel badly? Several of you mentioned the possibility that she will feel ashamed and that's the last thing I want for her. I worry that low self-esteem could be part of the issue in the first place.

Thank for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman in my 30s with diagnosed binge eating disorder. The hiding/shame is the big red flag here, although of course the eating/weight is a problem. I know you were just trying to get her to stop, but the bug warning and hiding food from her just reinforces the shame. It's a spiral.

For me, I had to get CBT from a therapist AND started Vyvanse - an ADHD drug. Tons of kids are on Vyvanse for ADHD, and to me, Binge Eating Disorder is just as serious and can have even more physical repercussions because of the overeating. I wouldn't hesitate to put my tween/teen on Vyvanse to see if it helped. I don't understand how it works but it totally calms the obsessive thoughts about eating/eating large quantities. I'm on a low dose.

The CBT definitely helped too, but on days I miss the Vyvanse, I can tell. I hope that in the future I won't need it, my skills I learned in therapy will be strong enough, but for now I do.

I personally, with my experience, would probably get her on Vyvanse and into counseling specific to the hiding eating and shame. As a parent I'd get into counseling too to learn how to support it (no over restricting, no hiding, etc). My hope would be that by catching it early enough, she may only need to stay on the Vyvanse a short time (a year or two) while she strengthens her skills she learns in counseling. But to catch it early is a HUGE blessing.

It will only get worse - far, far worse - as she gets older if you continue down this path. Take it very seriously as a medical/mental health issue now. It is NOT a moral failing, its not a failing of your parenting. Weight issues & food are so tied up in our culture with self judgement and if you're "disciplined" enough, but for some people it really is an issue of something off balance. I can tell you for me, I think there was a genetic component based on the behaviors of one of my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice, and particularly for those who offered their perspective as adults who have gone through this. We don't have a lot of junk food in the house, but she finds what we have and she also binges on healthier snacks. It's the secret eating in general that concerns me.

Any ideas on how to talk to emerging teens about impulse control without making them feel badly? Several of you mentioned the possibility that she will feel ashamed and that's the last thing I want for her. I worry that low self-esteem could be part of the issue in the first place.

Thank for your thoughts.

PP here again - textbook binge eating disorder. I've binged on really expensive diet food, it's horrifying to go through.

Don't try to handle this yourself. It's not that she's stupid and doesn't know she shouldn't be eating large quantities - obviously she does know, hence the hiding. And it's not "impulse control" or a lack of discipline. It may very well truly be an imbalance of some sort or other mental health issues.

You wouldn't try to talk to your bipolar child about "being more even keeled" or your ADHD child about "paying better attention." Well, some people would/do, but it doesn't usually turn out well. Get professional help. Find a doctor who takes BED seriously. It's NOT a cop out, it's a real eating disorder, and CBT is the most effective proven treatment. Vyvanse is still pretty new for BED but I don't see a lot of reason not to try it.

[Anonymous]

10:10 again, sorry, last thoughts.

I did counseling weekly for about 3 months, then tapered down to every other week, and now am on an as-needed basis and have found myself going about once a month to work through things before they become problems that make me want to binge. My doctor gave me the research from some portal he has on BED when he prescribed the Vyvanse, and the CBT was highly effective. I was just planning on doing the meds and will always be grateful to my doc for giving me that info so I could hit the problem with all barrels.

It was INCREDIBLY hard for me to say the words "binge eating" to my doctor. I've known I've had this problem since I was a teenager, I've probably googled it 5,000 times, and I felt like such a failure that I couldn't "discipline" myself out of it. I know my posts sound like I'm evangelical, think everyone should be treated for BED, etc - but the reality is anything but. I resisted putting that label on myself for well over a decade. I resisted help. I thought I should just be able to do it myself, because overeating is just laziness and sloth, right? I thought if I read everything on the topic about how to change your habits, surely I could.

For me, we discovered a few things:

- There probably is a genetic/imbalance component to it for me based on family history (and not just stuff I saw modeled, I didn't live with the parent who has the issue after the age of 12).

- I do struggle with anxiety/stress, and I had NO IDEA. You'd never know it if you knew me IRL. I'm an in charge person and I get shit done. Stuff comes easily to me. I was a top student and have an excellent career that isn't usually terribly stressful. I'm successful in every other area of my life except managing my weight (which as someone else said - symptom, not the problem). I really resisted thinking of myself as having anxiety because I thought it mean I'm an "anxious" person. Once the therapist helped me see that I can be a strong person and still have anxiety, I was able to accept it and recognize it before it becomes a problem. We think I binge to "numb out" the anxiety.

- I'm not OCD, but I would say (and therapist would say) I have OCD tendencies. My house is pristine (although I was a huge slob as a kid) and I have a hard time relaxing if everything isn't in place. I don't think I 'deserve" to relax unless I've done everything else that needs to be done. I'm VERY hard on myself (this is one of my biggest learnings).

In case any of that rings bells for you and your daughter. I wouldn't say I showed signs of the obsessive tendencies as a teenager, but as I got older, had my own house, wanted to be "perfect" in every other way (especially because when you're fat, you feel like you can't afford to not be perfect in every other way) -- the controlling aspects of wanting to control my environment, other people, etc came out. Again, trying to sooth anxiety I think. I still keep my house pristine and like stuff done "right," but I'm also able to recognize when I'm doing it. I'm able to hear my self-talk that is beating me up. Therapy was instrumental in that.