Best friend is "visiting", feeling frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Partly this is just a vent because I'm not sure that there is anything to do in this situation but I'm certainly open to suggestions. I apologize in advance that this is long winded. One of my oldest friends is in town this weekend for an event. She asked me a few weeks ago if I had plans this weekend or if I would be free if she came into town which was basically her way of asking if she could stay with us. We didn't have plans so I said sure she (and her significant other) were welcome to come for the weekend and stay with us. We live close to the metro so they could come and go that way and she said she didn't mind taking the metro even late at night since her SO was coming. Well then she sent me her flight info and it turns out they weren't coming just for the weekend but coming for 5 days AND they weren't getting in until really late at night (way past our bedtime). Well, in the last 3 weeks her plans have changed at least 7 or 8 times. First they cancelled so I made plans for the weekend. Then she was going to come by herself without SO but had someone to stay with all but 1 night. Then she didn't have anyone to stay with some of the nights so we said she could stay here. The nights that she needed to stay with us keep changing and she keeps expecting me to drive her to and from the metro as she comes and goes.

I'm really happy to see her, we've been friends for 20 years but don't see each other often (once every few years) because we live in different states, but this has been a difficult and frustrating weekend. On top of everything else I have 2 pretty sick kids and can't just run out to pick her up every time she wants me to. She was ready to come back here earlier but DH had to go out and get a haircut so I said he could pick her up at the metro after he was done since I couldn't live 2 sleeping children here by themselves. She didn't like that idea and was annoyed because I didn't know exactly what time he would be done and she didn't know exactly how long it would take to come here on the metro and she didn't "want to wait somewhere unfamiliar" for us to pick her up. I should add it's the middle of the day and we live in Bethesda so it's not like an unsafe area. She's been walking all over the city by herself but she can't wait for a short time at the metro for one of us?

Anyway, I just kind of needed to vent. If I had invited her to come to visit for a weekend I would fully expect to plan fun activities and be the chauffeur for the weekend but since she asked if she could stay with us while she attended an event it bothers me that she still expects me to drop everything.

[Anonymous]

One word....uber!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One word....uber!!!!

OP here. Exactly!! But every time she says she can take an Uber she then changes her mind and wants me to pick her up from the metro.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that sounds really frustrating. And in the age of Uber it seems like she could figure it out. And that your husband could cover you so you could spend some time with your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that sounds really frustrating. And in the age of Uber it seems like she could figure it out. And that your husband could cover you so you could spend some time with your friend.

OP here again. I should add that my husband has been really awesome and every night that she wanted to show up really late to our house he stayed up to let her in so I could go to bed. He's been helping a ton with the kids too so I can spend time with her but it's the picking her up and dropping her off that is the problem. We can't just put our life on hold to be her chauffeur (i.e. I'm not going to make DH plan his haircut around when she wants to be picked up) and it's also not fair to the kids when they are feeling really sick and want mommy and daddy that one of us has to leave to get her. I'm happy to be as accommodating as I can but I think what is bothering me the most is how she expects me to do everything and gets annoyed when I can't. She has a really early flight Tuesday morning and wanted me to drive her to the metro at 6am. DH leaves for work at 5:15 which she said was too early for her and I'm not going to wake the kids up an hour early (they get up at 7 usually) for us all to drive to the metro so I suggested an uber and she got annoyed by that...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that sounds really frustrating. And in the age of Uber it seems like she could figure it out. And that your husband could cover you so you could spend some time with your friend.

OP here again. I should add that my husband has been really awesome and every night that she wanted to show up really late to our house he stayed up to let her in so I could go to bed. He's been helping a ton with the kids too so I can spend time with her but it's the picking her up and dropping her off that is the problem. We can't just put our life on hold to be her chauffeur (i.e. I'm not going to make DH plan his haircut around when she wants to be picked up) and it's also not fair to the kids when they are feeling really sick and want mommy and daddy that one of us has to leave to get her. I'm happy to be as accommodating as I can but I think what is bothering me the most is how she expects me to do everything and gets annoyed when I can't. She has a really early flight Tuesday morning and wanted me to drive her to the metro at 6am. DH leaves for work at 5:15 which she said was too early for her and I'm not going to wake the kids up an hour early (they get up at 7 usually) for us all to drive to the metro so I suggested an uber and she got annoyed by that...

That's ridiculous. I'd tell her to Uber to the metro, go in when your husband leaves or take an airport shuttle. Then if she gets annoyed either address it or brush off her attitude as an inconsiderate friend.

[Anonymous]

Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your friend is really high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Stop being passive and tell her "Jane, it's great you can stay with us, but we can't drop everything. I have family responsibilities and I can't drive you to the metro at 6 am. Please take an Uber or a cab. I am happy to call a cab for you."

[Anonymous]

If this person were such a good friend, I'd address it. "Stacey! You are being a terrible houseguest! Pull yourself together! You need to learn to use trains and use Uber and be patient - we are bending over backwards to try to help you while we have two sick kids. Come ON!" I'd say it while laughing, to soften it but saying it would get the point across.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this person were such a good friend, I'd address it. "Stacey! You are being a terrible houseguest! Pull yourself together! You need to learn to use trains and use Uber and be patient - we are bending over backwards to try to help you while we have two sick kids. Come ON!" I'd say it while laughing, to soften it but saying it would get the point across.

That's rude.

I'd just say either she can ride in with dh, or she can cab to the metro.

[Anonymous]

I agree it's annoying, and it's bad timing for you with sick kids.

But maybe she had a bad or traumatic experience with Uber?
Maybe she has something she wants to talk to you about and feels the only way to get your attention is a car ride?

I'd sit down with her as calmly as you can and talk it over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this person were such a good friend, I'd address it. "Stacey! You are being a terrible houseguest! Pull yourself together! You need to learn to use trains and use Uber and be patient - we are bending over backwards to try to help you while we have two sick kids. Come ON!" I'd say it while laughing, to soften it but saying it would get the point across.

That's rude.

I'd just say either she can ride in with dh, or she can cab to the metro.

Yeah, I wouldn't be as blunt as that, but you know what works with your friendship OP. I'd just tell her however you think she'd hear it best that she needs to be a grown up And handle her transportation needs herself.

[Anonymous]

"Hey sorry I can't drop you off, the kids are just too sick, I really need to stay here. Just uber; it'll be like $5 or something. Maybe if I can get the kids to rest enough when you get back we can get a drink or hang out on the porch."

If push comes to shove, just get the uber on your own phone. I've done that when people wanted rides to the airport at 6am. I don't feel remotely guilty about it, although I'm always surprised that people are OK having me pay for it, but I'd frankly rather spend $10 than run around as chauffeur.

[Anonymous]

She's not your friend and decline the next visit. She can get a cab or uber from the bethesda metro very easily.