Getting grief about not finding out gender--minor vent.

[Anonymous]

I'm due with my second child in 4 weeks and am the mom of a 2yo boy. We didn't find out the gender with either, and I'm finding myself getting annoyed w/ all the comments I'm getting from friends, family, coworkers, and total strangers on the metro. "What do you mean you didn't find out! That's crazy! Don't you want to know???" etc etc. Then they tell me what I want. "You really want a girl this time, don't you?" (I kinda don't!)

I know that it wouldn't be polite for me to harass people who DO find out the gender ("where's your sense of surprise? what's up with our "need-to-know" culture??) I know that I would take heat for comments like that. I respect people's right to choose what they want to do, but if they're going to keep asking me "why didn't you find out???", they might not like what they hear!

It's a personal choice, and this is ours. I guess this is just one of those personal things about pregnancy that people for some reason feel the right to comment on. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you. I actually had one person not believe that I didn't find out. She assumed that I knew but just didn't want to tell people. And she's my mom's age - she didn't find out with her kids - why is that so hard to understand?

Enjoy the surprise. Either way it's a happy one

[Anonymous]

My sister didn't find out, and after her baby was born my mother accused her of having known the sex all along! I just don't get why anyone cares either way -- it is your decision. I think people only have so many questions to ask about a pregnancy - when are you due, what sex is it, how are you feeling, etc. - that they want answers! But that doesn't excuse it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's awesome when people wait (but I was too impatient to do it myself). And it's way more fun for your friends and family -- I am always more anxious to hear the delivery news of the people who didn't find out because it IS more of a surprise.

[Anonymous]

"I know that it wouldn't be polite for me to harass people who DO find out the gender ("where's your sense of surprise? what's up with our "need-to-know" culture??)"

And, yet, people said exactly this to me while I was preggo and DID find out. They annoyances with pregnancy go both ways. Just the way it is. Try to ignore as best you can.

[Anonymous]

Start a pool - or have your friends/coworkers start one - on the gender and due date (and maybe birht weight?) and then perhaps people would start to get an idea of the fun in NOT finding out the gender.

[Anonymous]

I am an obsessive planner and had to find-out the gender. I wish I WASN'T that way and am envious you'll have this surprise. I think it is fun.

I had a friend who was in the same boat and some of her family members were actaully angry with her, almost like it was an inconvenience for them not to know the gender of HER child! She's not the most assertive person but toward the end of her pregnancy, when people would make comments about it, she'd say something like, "why are YOU so vitally interested in what WE have? If we're happy to wait, we'd think 'outsiders' would be, too." It was great!

[Anonymous]

Yep, I can relate. We didn't find out with #1 and I remember getting some of the same comments. We are good friends with one very forward couple in particular and when we told them that #2 was on the way a few weeks ago one of the first things they said was, "Well, you're going to find out this time, right?" When we said we hadn't decided yet she went into this whole, "What??? You have to find out!!!" Really? I didn't know I did or that you had any say in it... It never fails to amaze me how totally clueless and insensitive people can be about some comments they make.

[Anonymous]

I find great pleasure out of torturing these people. Some people really get bent out of shape. You really should laught them off and play with them a bit.

[Anonymous]

We found out but didn't tell anyone other than the grandparents. We didn't plan it that way initially but then we liked having a little secret about the baby, something that was just for us. We were honest "we know but aren't telling," and this drove some people nuts. I still don't understand why but I tried to laugh them off.

[Anonymous]

Say you're having a puppy or kitten. I don't know. Seems totally crazy to me that people would give you grief, but then there was that cab driver who told me it wasn't healthy for pregnant women to wear pants!

Enjoy your surprise, OP. I'm in the obsessive planner camp and generally impatient, so I admire people like you. I even have a hard time not telling my DH what I got him for his birthday or other holidays in advance. Sigh. Maybe someday I'll reform!

[Anonymous]

We haven't found out either. I get a range of comments from "that's so awesome" to "how are you going to decorate." It's kinda funny. My parents are totally supportive of our decision not to find out the gender.

We didn't find out for #1 and "everyone" told me I was having a boy so we were pleasantly shocked to see a little girl pop out This time I'm getting more of a range of guesses. We'll all find out when the time comes ... there are so few surprises in life ... i love having this one.

[Anonymous]

I think it is just out of the ordinary to not find out the gender and you can expect some questions. Finding out is a big, exciting event for a lot of people. Maybe they are just having a hard time figuring out why someone would bypass the part.

I would be annoyed with anyone giving me grief about the decision, either way.

I like the idea of the pool.

[Anonymous]

Arrrrgggghh...PP who said your friend's parents are actually annoyed with her about not finding out the gender of HER child...could it be you're talking about me?

Why oh why do people care so much about something that is sooooooooooo none of their business? And then I know you've all had the same thing, where friends KEEP asking. First, people assume "oooh, 16 week ultrasound, you'll get to find out the gender, are you so excited?" "No, we've decided to be surprised." "Ah, 20 week ultrasound, maybe you'll be able to see the sex this time" "Um, no, still just hoping for a boy or girl..." WTH? And then yes, my parents. My stepmom: "well. you'll want to know that gender. You'll find that as you get further along you'll just wish you knew." When the oddly "I know how you'll feel better than you do" line of reasoning didn't work, she was pissed off because she doesn't know how to shop. Guess what, I'm kind of glad that we aren't going to be drowning in a sea of "little boy" or "little girl" specific outfits. She is irritated that I'm not waiting until after the baby is born to let someone throw me a shower because "people won't be abe to buy what they want." Good god, what did they ever do before sonograms? I'm usually a VERY patient person but I finally busted out with a "listen, I've had enough of these comments, I can't believe you think this is any of your business!"

Way to make the surprise I want to be joyful a total pain in the ass, right? (And they wonder why we're imposing a 10 day waiting period before anyone gets to visit from out of town to see baby....LOL....maybe I should withhold the gender info until then? Ha ha ha!

[Anonymous]

OP - we're on #2 and we didnt find out either. But it seems pretty normal in my circle of friends not to find out - I'd say at least 60%+ dont find out. My friends from work think its crazy, but I have my whole life to know the child - its nice to live in a world of possibilities. Especially since we already have a DD, if we knew this was a girl, I'd have a hard time picturing it as anything other than a copy of DD and I want #2 to have its own identity.

When people ask what it is, I just say "A baby, i hope!"