Kids toll on marriage?
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Anonymous
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How did having kids effect your marriage, and did you have more trouble after having your first kid, or was it worse with the second?
DH and I have a 4 year old DD and a 6 month old DS and it is really kicking our asses. The first year with DD was miserable because she was a very challenging baby. DH and I really had a hard time adjusting and took our sleep deprivation, parenting disagreements and everything else out on one another. But, we came out of it fine and decided to go for #2 when DD was 3. Now it feels like we have hit an all time low even though DS is easier than DD was... but babies still need around the clock care and DD is still high maintenance. DH promised to step up so we divide and conquer... but he can't seem to deal with the zero personal time, our house is a disaster, etc. And he gets to go to work everyday so it's not like he is home with the kids. We had a long talk about what having 2 kids would mean before we moved forward, and I was on the fence because I was really worried that DH wouldn't be happy with more chaos and us both having to be "on" 24/7. And now it seems like that's exactly what is happening. Will it get better? Is this just par for the course during the first year, or are we doomed? |
Anonymous
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My DH sucked when the kids were babies. With our last one (#5) he was out of the house for the year persuing another interest of his, and that probably worked the best. I actually had the hardest time when he was only working 50 or so hours a week and home ALL OF THE TIME. It really seemed like he could have helped out more, but he chose to spend his down time going hunting and playing video games, and I was annoyed.
In the end, I think you just have to get through this first year, and things will get better. |
Anonymous
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It will get easier but not for a while.
Here's my theory that I share with people. When you have one kid it's a 70%, 30% split of duties. Modern day and all, but the bulk still fails to the mom. Maybe your household is 60,40, or 65,45 - but it's not likely 50,50 given breast feeding, nights, maternity leave etc. Evem after a year or two it's stays skewed. Now, mom goes from 70 to 100%. Dad goes from 30% to 100%. It's a big adjustment for both, but as a dad, I'd be lying if I said the 2nd wasn't much much harder on us - and me. I went from some free time to wondering if maybe I'll ever do anything fun again in my life. It gets better once both kids are >4 years old. |
Anonymous
| Yes 20:59 - you hit the nail on the head... we both had to go to 100% and I feel like I just don't have any more to give, and DH is miserable and I can't fix it. |
Anonymous
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Another father of two here.
No one tells you that when your vows talk about "for worse" they're talking about the first few years with kids. You'll get there. Right now he should be using this time as quality time with the older one. (I hate to say it, but neither you nor your DH are probably actually at 100%, because somehow people manage to have more than two that young and still survive. When you and DH are feeling the pressure, just smile and remind him that you could've had triplets.  )
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Anonymous
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Another father of two here.
No one tells you that when your vows talk about "for worse" they're talking about the first few years with kids. You'll get there. Right now he should be using this time as quality time with the older one. (I hate to say it, but neither you nor your DH are probably actually at 100%, because somehow people manage to have more than two that young and still survive. When you and DH are feeling the pressure, just smile and remind him that you could've had triplets. )
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Anonymous
| We took a long time to recover. When my younger turned 3/4 we started putting things back together and now that he's about 5 things are amazing. It took a lot of work and time to bounce back from that place of constant stress/demands/sleeplessness. |
Anonymous
| Apologies for the double post. |
Anonymous
20:59 is exactly right. And I hate to say this OP, but it's not just the first year that will be tough. You start to get your life back when your youngest turns 4. That is always a rule of thumb. So remember that when you start thinking about having #3. |
Anonymous
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Agree with others - it will get worse before it gets better. Our youngest is 5 and things are really, truly getting better. I can say our marriage is - gasp - happy again! The early childhood years were brutal - no sleep, no sex, an undiscovered affair, lots of tears, fighting - I fantasized about divorce and sure my spouse did too.
Hang in there - don't worry about the mess, find a way to get some sleep and some adult time, date nights, sex (even quickies), and don't say anything that would cause long lasting true hurt. |
Anonymous
| Geez. You guys make it sound so sucky. I enjoyed my kids toddler years, I really did. I wish I could do it again. |
Anonymous
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The young years are fun compared to what's coming later.
Word of advice, never let an adult child come back home to live. Even if you have to work a job to pay their rent, utilities, food, it's better than them living in your home. Our marriage may not survive. |
Anonymous
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Having two young children in a household can be one of life's roughest challenges.
Your home will be loud, messy & extremely chaotic! You will never feel caught up....Meaning there will always be a million things on your to-do list! I know this from personal experience OP. But as your son + daughter get older and more independent, little by little you will have the opportunity to reclaim some part of your life back. It WILL get easier in time. However if you feel now that your husband is not stepping up to the plate the way he should be, then later on when things get better, you will have a ton of built up resentment for how you sacrificed the most. Try not to let things get this ugly. Good luck. |