Annoyed with in-laws

[Anonymous]

I do not have a great relationship with my MIL. She said some things to me before we got married, and was just a bitch throughout
my wedding planning, and I just haven't really gotten over it. I have tried, but every time I talk to her she makes some kind of comment that pisses me off.
Anyway, one thing recently that has been bugging me is that the last four times I have been up to visit her, she has been unavailable to see us. DH and I have four kids, and she lives 200 miles away, so this is no easy undertaking, and thre of the four we rented a hotel room and stayed for a couple of days, but she wasn't available to see even just DH for a meal. A few months ago we moved, so our last visit at Christmas involved a flight, and we were there for nine days. Part of that time, we were visiting friends And my family, but we didn't make firm plans with anyone just in case she could see us. Now, I have seen MIL. She comes to every child's birthday party or baptism and even drove 900 miles out to see us once.
Anyway, I feel terrible that I hate her so much. I really try not to let my husband know, and I do t want to mess up my kids relationship with their grandma. I was talking to my mom about this making plans stuff. Am I doing something to sabatoge this in some way? My mom suggested that part of the problem is going through her to make plans. That she is old fashioned and she might prefer to make plans through her boyfriend.
Anyway, she texts me a few weeks ago and says that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Perfect opportunity. I call the boyfriend and ask when they are getting married because we would like to be there. Two weeks from now. In a Amal town without an airport 1200 miles from here. Of course, we can't come. So I suggested maybe we could plan a lunch with his family to celebrate sometime early this summer. He then goes on to tell me three or four places he will be visiting his family this spring that are all still hundreds of miles away from here. But doesn't really give me any contact information or suggestions that we could do a dinner or something there to celebrate. Then he says, "Of course," he says, "it would be nice for MIL if you would come out here. You have never even been out to the house."
I just said that we would think about it and hung up.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what I am asking for here. I guess it's just a vent. I am frustrated with the situation.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like a frustrating situation. Maybe she just doesn't care about having you over. Read her cues. Sometimes we pay more attention to words, when we should be paying attention to actions.

[Anonymous]

Could the problem be going through you rather than her son (expectation of going through boyfriend is weird). Anyway it sounds like she wants to see you but doesn't want to host. Stop going out there with that expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could the problem be going through you rather than her son (expectation of going through boyfriend is weird). Anyway it sounds like she wants to see you but doesn't want to host. Stop going out there with that expectation.

Actually, it was usually her and my husband making plans. But there were never any plans. So I thought it was my husband. So I tried. This stuff with the boyfriend is really a last ditch effort.

And you are right. Reading my post, it does sound like she doesn't really want us to visit her. I don't know why I keep trying. She just acts like she wants to see her grandkids more often, and she puts so much effort into coming out here.
Maybe I just wanted someone to tell me that it's okay to stop making the effort. Thanks internet stranger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what I am asking for here. I guess it's just a vent. I am frustrated with the situation.

Did you actually expect him to plan a celebration luncheon right there on the phone? He gave you some city names. Would you be interested in going to any of them for a long weekend over the summer?

If not, send your MIL and her new husband some kind of acknowledgement of her wedding. On the card, you can say, "Look forward to seeing you. Please let us know when you'll be in our neck of the woods or if you would like us to visit."

The ball is squarely in their court.

(Personally, she sounds like an odd duck. She may not be crazy about you, but rebuffing visits from her grandkids and son, sounds like she is very self centered or suffers from some kind of anxiety disorder. Maybe both.)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she just doesn't want to be bothered. Sad but maybe you need a reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what I am asking for here. I guess it's just a vent. I am frustrated with the situation.

Did you actually expect him to plan a celebration luncheon right there on the phone? He gave you some city names. Would you be interested in going to any of them for a long weekend over the summer?

If not, send your MIL and her new husband some kind of acknowledgement of her wedding. On the card, you can say, "Look forward to seeing you. Please let us know when you'll be in our neck of the woods or if you would like us to visit."

The ball is squarely in their court.

(Personally, she sounds like an odd duck. She may not be crazy about you, but rebuffing visits from her grandkids and son, sounds like she is very self centered or suffers from some kind of anxiety disorder. Maybe both.)

Yes? I mean, I initially expected that they hadn't made any wedding plans or we would have known about it. And when that didn't work out, I thought that he would maybe tell me that he would get in touch with his son who lives near him or something. Not tell me to meet him in Podunk Texas if I want to meet his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what I am asking for here. I guess it's just a vent. I am frustrated with the situation.

Did you actually expect him to plan a celebration luncheon right there on the phone? He gave you some city names. Would you be interested in going to any of them for a long weekend over the summer?

If not, send your MIL and her new husband some kind of acknowledgement of her wedding. On the card, you can say, "Look forward to seeing you. Please let us know when you'll be in our neck of the woods or if you would like us to visit."

The ball is squarely in their court.

(Personally, she sounds like an odd duck. She may not be crazy about you, but rebuffing visits from her grandkids and son, sounds like she is very self centered or suffers from some kind of anxiety disorder. Maybe both.)

OP here again. That is a very good suggestion on the card and gift. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Her focus in on her boyfriend and showing off. My mom is like that. Forget it and move on. My mom will travel hundreds of miles to babysit her boyfriend's grandkids but cannot keep mine overnight (easy kids who adore her). She can buy those kids gifts, but cannot even buy my kid a pack of underwear. I gave up a long time ago and only do minimal for my children's sake.

[Anonymous]

Stop putting in the effort. She's a grown woman, and if she wants to see her grandkids and her son she'll make it a priority.

[Anonymous]

I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her focus in on her boyfriend and showing off. My mom is like that. Forget it and move on. My mom will travel hundreds of miles to babysit her boyfriend's grandkids but cannot keep mine overnight (easy kids who adore her). She can buy those kids gifts, but cannot even buy my kid a pack of underwear. I gave up a long time ago and only do minimal for my children's sake.

OMG! You've described my widowed mother who prioritizes her step kids! ! She lives 600 miles away from us (in my hometown). We started planning a trip back to visit with our 3 kids. She and I discussed coming during a local festival (3 months in the future) so the kids and DH could experience it (it's really cool) and we settled on the week of the festival. DH and I request leave from work and made plans to drive out there. Two weeks before our trip, I called her to discuss some aspect of the visit and she mentioned that she wouldn't be there. What?! Her stepson and his wife were going out of town and wanted her to babysit their DD (same age as my oldest). She didn't want to disrupt her step-grandaughter's routine so my mother was going to go stay at their house which was 2 hours from hers. Oh, but we were still welcome to stay at her house! WTF!? The whole point was to visit with her and so she could spend time with my kids! She babysits for her stepson at least twice a month but only see my kids once a year! I cancelled the visit with her and we went to Williamsburg for the week instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.

I get what you are saying, and typically DH does make the plans, but 90% of the work isn't making the plans. It's getting things packed, driving out there with the kids (IL's live about three hours from my parents, so even when we were out visiting them, we still had to rent a car and drive several hours), all to get there and have her not be home and not available to see us. Or to call and cancel plans for breakfast after I already got the kids to bed in a cramped hotel room near their house. I took over and called the boyfriend because I thought maybe DH and his mom were just bad at communicating their plans. And then he accused me of never coming out to visit. Which kind of makes me wonder of she ever told him that we come and she cancels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd let your DH handle this pretty much 100%. You can be supportive when he does make plans with her by helping him get the kids there. Other than that, I'd take some huge steps back and let this fall as it will. If your DH wants to see her, he'll figure it out. If he doesn't care, or she doesn't care, then everyone can go about their lives.

I get what you are saying, and typically DH does make the plans, but 90% of the work isn't making the plans. It's getting things packed, driving out there with the kids (IL's live about three hours from my parents, so even when we were out visiting them, we still had to rent a car and drive several hours), all to get there and have her not be home and not available to see us. Or to call and cancel plans for breakfast after I already got the kids to bed in a cramped hotel room near their house. I took over and called the boyfriend because I thought maybe DH and his mom were just bad at communicating their plans. And then he accused me of never coming out to visit. Which kind of makes me wonder of she ever told him that we come and she cancels.

Wow, what a pain. I agree with letting DH handle scheduling any visits. If you have the new husband's contact info, confirm any future visits in emails to MIL, him, and DH. Follow up with texts the day before. If she's always been like this, there's nothing you can do. If it coincides with the new relationship in her life, then maybe it will work itself out. However, if she stands you up again, I'd wouldn't bother trying to coordinate future visits. Let her come to you. You've done your due diligence.