friendships with other moms- can we see each other and not have a playdate?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whom I don't see very much anymore. We are both working moms (me a toddler and an infant and her an older baby) and we have been trying to schedule a get together. I told her I hoped we could get together just the two of us since its challenging to have a full conversation with the distraction of babies needing attention, etc. She came back and said she'd like to bring her baby along for whatever we did. I understand people wanting to see their children- I'm the same way and for this reason, rarely get out to see people anymore. But we live very close to each other and even an hour meeting away would be welcome, given, there's very little time lost commuting. She has a partner who doesn't work weekends and parents who moved to the area specifically to help with the grandchild so I know childcare isn't an issue. I feel annoyed.

Does anyone else experience this?

[Anonymous]

I should note we were friends for several years before we had kids- we aren't mom-friends from day care, playgroups etc.

[Anonymous]

It is awfully hard for some people to leave their children. It just is. (and particularly so if breastfeeding). Arranging childcare for an hour can be exhausting, too.

People are different and approach motherhood differently. Doesn't make it bad or wrong.

The only way I've seen it work is mom's night out - a planned night out for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is a first-time mom with a baby...surely you remember that experience?

I'm much more likely to try to do something one on one with a friend the second time around, but first time around it just felt so impossible to schedule. Cut her some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is awfully hard for some people to leave their children. It just is. (and particularly so if breastfeeding). Arranging childcare for an hour can be exhausting, too.

People are different and approach motherhood differently. Doesn't make it bad or wrong.

The only way I've seen it work is mom's night out - a planned night out for dinner.

I suggested multiple options, including dinner, but she said she preferred daytime with her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a first-time mom with a baby...surely you remember that experience?

I'm much more likely to try to do something one on one with a friend the second time around, but first time around it just felt so impossible to schedule. Cut her some slack.

Yes, I hear this. And maybe this is where I'm going to sound like a terrible person and DCUM land is going to go nuts. She has help here. They moved here TO help. We gave ourselves a wide date range to schedule too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is a first-time mom with a baby...surely you remember that experience?

I'm much more likely to try to do something one on one with a friend the second time around, but first time around it just felt so impossible to schedule. Cut her some slack.

Actually OP stated that her friend has an older baby, so I am going to assume the baby is not that little. I have a 3 year old and I completely understand the OP point on communication when the kids are around. It's almost impossible to have a good discussion about anything when the kids are all running around. My best friend has 2 children, a toddler and infant and we do have play dates often, but we also schedule time to have one on one adult time that allows us to have decent conversation. It is important to our friendship and I would also be annoyed OP. I think k you just need to gently tell your friend that you value the friendship and would love some one on one time!

[Anonymous]

I save my childcare favors for when I need them. Like appts or places I cant take a baby.
If I was meeting a friend who also has kids, I would want to bring my baby too.

Why dont you get together at one of your houses for coffee?

[Anonymous]

Unless you're telling her something hugely important, then just suck it up this time. She will probably be more willing to do a solo date in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is awfully hard for some people to leave their children. It just is. (and particularly so if breastfeeding). Arranging childcare for an hour can be exhausting, too.

People are different and approach motherhood differently. Doesn't make it bad or wrong.

The only way I've seen it work is mom's night out - a planned night out for dinner.

I suggested multiple options, including dinner, but she said she preferred daytime with her child.

I was the PP. The only other thing I'd add is that sometimes (or some specific periods of time), you just feel like there are SO many demands on your time. Baby always wants something, DH always wants something, now a friend is suggesting multiple things that require her to think......and maybe you just don't have it in you to give. The multiple options raised a red flag for me. There's a fine line between pestering and providing options, you know? She may be growing annoyed with you because she's stated her preference, and you keep coming back with the one thing she doesn't want to do. Heck maybe she's not overwhelmed, but maybe she just has really wrapped herself in babyhood. Some women do that, too.

Maybe, for now, you meet the friend and she has her baby and you leave yours at home. The makes it easier on you to engage with her.

Depending on this friendship, meeting someone where they are at the time might be the best way to go. At least for a little while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I save my childcare favors for when I need them. Like appts or places I cant take a baby.
If I was meeting a friend who also has kids, I would want to bring my baby too.

Why dont you get together at one of your houses for coffee?

I'm not opposed to that- we did that last time, however. As the PP said, one on one time is important to a friendship and perhaps its a good idea for me to just ask if that's possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is awfully hard for some people to leave their children. It just is. (and particularly so if breastfeeding). Arranging childcare for an hour can be exhausting, too.

People are different and approach motherhood differently. Doesn't make it bad or wrong.

The only way I've seen it work is mom's night out - a planned night out for dinner.

I suggested multiple options, including dinner, but she said she preferred daytime with her child.

I was the PP. The only other thing I'd add is that sometimes (or some specific periods of time), you just feel like there are SO many demands on your time. Baby always wants something, DH always wants something, now a friend is suggesting multiple things that require her to think......and maybe you just don't have it in you to give. The multiple options raised a red flag for me. There's a fine line between pestering and providing options, you know? She may be growing annoyed with you because she's stated her preference, and you keep coming back with the one thing she doesn't want to do. Heck maybe she's not overwhelmed, but maybe she just has really wrapped herself in babyhood. Some women do that, too.

Maybe, for now, you meet the friend and she has her baby and you leave yours at home. The makes it easier on you to engage with her.

Depending on this friendship, meeting someone where they are at the time might be the best way to go. At least for a little while.

Thanks for the feedback. I offered two options before we made any decisions, not AFTER she said she'd rather do a daytime.

[Anonymous]

12:10 poster again. I don't understand what the big deal is to have a couple hours to yourself without your child, especially if your partner can be the one home with the child? Fostering adult relationships is certainly important and should not just disappear once you have children. That's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

After reading DCUM FORUM for awhile, I have a few thoughts. Dad is incapable of watching the little snowflake (did anyone read about the dad that left a 6 yr old at the swimming pool ALONE?). Another thought: bedtime for said child requires all hands on deck (mom and dad rocking, reading 12 books, endless sips of water then ultimately laying with child etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:10 poster again. I don't understand what the big deal is to have a couple hours to yourself without your child, especially if your partner can be the one home with the child? Fostering adult relationships is certainly important and should not just disappear once you have children. That's not healthy.

The first year of the first baby's life...you do what you need to do. Friends, particularly friends who have been through it, respect that.

Someone mentioned older infants: both times I hit lows of exhaustion when my baby was nine months, between illnesses, teeth, and the sleep regression. Later doesn't necessarily mean she is out of the woods of baby exhaustion.