Any psychologists here - would love your perspective...

[Anonymous]

As long as I can remember, I have been staunchly feminist. My mom wasn't happy with her life staying home and taking care of the kids, and going to work as a teacher fulfulled her. I don't think she picked a mate wisely either, and struggled in a marriage to an old-fashioned, pig-headed (though I love him!) man who never cut her any slack on meeting his standards no matter if she was in night school, working 40 hrs/wk, and taking care of the kids. Not sure why I posted this except as background on my female role model?

I think the crux of my issues somehow relate to my dad. I was the last of several daughters, no sons. I was a tomboy and became the "boy" my dad never had. I loved to fish and camp with my dad, and this was something we did a lot up until I was around 10 I guess. It gets fuzzy here, but I remember suddenly my dad just stopped taking me fishing and started going out with partners tournament fishing. Maybe he thought I was hitting puberty and too old to be doing boy things... Around that same time, I have vivid memories of really hating church, and the sermons about wives submitting to their husbands and everything being written in the masculine. I must have been 12 when I first thought about ways to get even with men for having all the power. How weird and irrational is that at 12?

Fast forward 30 years and I'm still struggling to make sense of my life and understand this big gap in my relationship with my dad. I love him to bits now, he is so mellow and so like me in so many ways. My mom is still the one I am not at peace with - - maybe we're too alike, too similarly disappointed with life to do anything but argue with each other. There was a point when my mom told me my dad felt like I hated him (around age 11, and I probably did at the time) but I can't tell you why I hated/ resented him so much.

Ack, this is getting long and rambling but I mostly wonder what a pyschologist would make of this historical profile and say what kind of person I turned out to be, and what kind of mate(s) or not I've chosen. I promise to write back -- I just wonder if my upbringing influenced heavily my ability to select a mate and do well in marriage to what kind of person. Thanks for reading all this rambling!

[Anonymous]

OP, no one can possibly tell you what kind of a person you are and what kind of a mate you've selected or will select based on a few facts about your background and your parents. People are not data sets where X + Y + GY + ZH always equals 367, nor can they be boiled down to fortune cookie psychological profiles who choose father figures or crave adventure or whatever. No, we are much more complex than that, and everyone is a combination of thousands of life experiences, plus their innate temperament, genetics, and environmental factors.

If you are truly interested in finding out what makes you tick, why not try talk therapy? Your life experiences are unique and worth exploring in depth.

[Anonymous]

I am a psychologist and I am going to decline making any assertions on the basis of this post. It would be unethical and I hope that anyone who attempts to interpret the data you've provided does not identify himself or herself as a psychologist.

I agree with the PP, however, that you would likely benefit from therapy to explore your questions. They are valid ones and your story sounds interesting.

[Anonymous]

oh, so OP wants free therapy?
LOL

[Anonymous]

OP again. I am in therapy actually, primarily focused on my struggling marriage and whether to stay or go. I married a total opposite of my dad, who ended up chronically and intentionally unemployed but oh so friendly (like being married to a great dog, lol) We divorced about 13 years ago. I was single for about 4 years and then married a guy who is very similar to my dad. I find myself in exactly the same difficult marriage my parents had, feeling rebellious toward my husband b/c he acts like the same dad I had. We cannot agree on anything, we are both extremely strong-willed and are like the clash of the titans.

I am beginning to think I would be happiest single, dating solely for entertainment. I wonder if the things I want from a man are impossible to find in the same man: an egalitarian best friend, a strong personality that I won't squelch out with mine, and tolerant/ kind to others, and faithful to the end.

[Anonymous]

I have to confess that I'm mystified by the phenomenon of people who look to "therapy" because they're not fulfilled. I did go through some of this as a teen, but in my adult life, I haven't had hours and hours to spend talking about myself. OP, stay, go, consult an oracle, pay some one... what... my parents paid $100/hr almost 20 years ago... to explore the inner recesses of whatever makes you tick! It all seems pretty self-indulgent to me and completely at odds with the starker realities (and time pressures) of adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I do not go to therapy because I'm not fulfilled. I hope the PP does not think that is why everyone goes.

To the OP, relationships can be a train wreck no matter what kind of parents you had. Why you pick a certain partner is extremely complicated and remember that you are not in it alone. Even if there was a clear cut equation, you are only half of it. Also, I thought that learning interpersonal relationships started very early, like before you can even form long-term memories.

The answers you are looking for are not likely there to be found.

I honestly don't understand what people expect to get from therapy if it is not treatment for a condition or disorder. I'm not saying that to be bitchy. If anyone knows, please fill me in.

[Anonymous]

9:32 here- I support therapy as treatment for disorders. You are correct to draw the distinction.

[Anonymous]

What about sexual abuse? Or being beaten or mistreated? Those are not a condition or disorder, but they inflict serious emotional trauma.

[Anonymous]

I think the best thing is to stop dwelling on the past and the "why"s and start focusing on the "now what"s. Sometimes people want to understand and analyze and dissect, but what good does it do when there are no clear answers or explanations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about sexual abuse? Or being beaten or mistreated? Those are not a condition or disorder, but they inflict serious emotional trauma.

They would qualify as damaging "conditions" requiring intervention for the sake of the victim's mental health, of course. I don't think anyone is disputing that. I just think that people whose experiences fall within the normal range of frustrations are not well served by talking their problems to death, unless it just makes them feel better to pay somebody to listen. I guess that's valid if they can afford the time or the fees, but it all seems very Beatles going to India to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about sexual abuse? Or being beaten or mistreated? Those are not a condition or disorder, but they inflict serious emotional trauma.

Actually, it is the long-term affects/symptoms that determine is someone has a disorder or condition. This is the 11:37 and I am in therapy for PTSD (an anxiety disorder), which was the result of a single attack.

[Anonymous]

I was mistreated in my family and by my newly husband.
I feel the need of talk therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP again. This is why I don't really see the value of getting into the "me" part of therapy. I could talk it all through with a therapist and maybe gain some insight into what caused some of my views to become warped, but at the end of the day, what good does that do me? What else can I do, but realized that my views are distorted and give them less credibility. I think my safest bet is to withdraw from relationships with men, and focus on just finding happiness in my own life. I have major trust issues and don't think I'll ever truly trust anyone.

[Anonymous]

so OP, your parents are still married to each other?